4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Southeast, Round of 32

#16 University of Arkansas - Little Rock Trojans vs. #9 Old Dominion Monarchs

I feel like the Trojans have been getting a bit of an easy run so far. Yeah, they're people with weapons, which gives them an edge in "fight to the death" style mascot brackets, but they're also have that odd "semi-legendary" quality to them which makes me think that I should probably dock them a few points. If we just examine them as they exist in Homer's works, they're ruled by a monarchy, which I have to think will give Old Dominion somewhat of an edge. Wikipedia gives Priam, the king of Troy during the Trojan War, the original name "Podarces", which makes me think of podraces, which makes me think of The Phantom Menace, which makes me sad. With that convoluted bit of reasoning, Old Dominion advances.

#12 Utah State Aggies vs. #13 Belmont Bruins

Here, it really doesn't matter whether I take the Utah State mascot to be actual agricultural students (which is a practical if lame mascot) or whether I take it to be Big Blue, the bull who's had enough of this shit.



Big Blue would like to know when you're planning on knocking it the hell off already.


If anything, Big Blue just makes me miss Western Kentucky's Big Red, who can bring joy and merriment wherever he goes with his hinged jaw, optimistic eyebrows and weird leg pocket. If only WKU were in this year's bracket, perhaps the world would
just be a little bit better.

You know what? Screw it.



WHEE-HAH!


Hooray! Big Red! We missed you. Diversions aside, the bear is going to kill either the bull or the student, so Belmont advances.

#6 St. John's Red Storm vs. #3 Brigham Young Cougars
There's pretty much two incarnations of the Red Storm that I can actually conceive of. Either it's an elemental force of destruction which will tear anything in its path apart or it's a soft drink marketed to teenagers who like the idea of dangerous sports. So that's a wash. Evidently, St. John's chose an actual mascot in the last few years. Johnny the Thunderbird. Here's a video of him dancing alone.



I don't know. He's got a weird rounded beak, and he makes me think of cars from the 1970s. I've got to think that the Cougar wouldn't have much of a problem smacking that thing in the face and then destroying everything it has ever loved. Brigham Young advances.

#10 Michigan State Spartans vs. #15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos
An occupational/cultural matchup! Gauchos are impressive and all, and the mascot appears to be wearing the kind of hat you'd want to wear if you were going to turn it into some kind of razor-throwing-weapon-hat, like Oddjob or Kung Lao, but then I looked up the actual UCSB Gaucho mascot.



The ¡Olé! belt buckle might be a bit much. Evidently that's his name, and I'm not sure if that makes it better.

What is this? That's not nearly as terrifying as the amorphous shadow mascot promised in the logo. That's a pretty spectacular moustache, but the bandana mask just makes me want to figure out who it is. A young, black-haired Hulk Hogan? Nick Cave-every-once-in-a-while? The guitarist for Steely Dan? It's too much, and while it's making motions toward a big reveal, the Spartan is going to come in and kick it down a well. Michigan State advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Southwest, Round of 32

#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels
The UNLV Rebel has pretty much everyone beat in the Mascot Facial Hair category, which is just one of the many metrics on which I'm basing all of these careful decisions. If your mascot is Sam Elliott with an awesome hat, you get some points toward victory. The Jayhawks, on the other hand, have no facial hair to speak of. This is probably because they are birds. And mythical. And not Sam Elliott. Which is a shame. The Rebel looks as though he's got at least one gun and even has a feather in his hat. This is a man who has killed birds before. UNLV advances.

#5 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #13 Morehead State Eagles
So, country rock or funk, then. Or, a fight between Don Henley and Lionel Ritchie. Notably, the Commodores weren't responsible for Witchy Woman, which sends me into a rage. I'm not sure why. I think that it was one of those songs that played on the generic non-offensive radio in places I worked growing up. Maybe it's the falsetto. I'm not sure. Plus, Brick House. If we're going with the frontman's solo career, I can't think of a Don Henley solo song other than "The Boys of Summer", whereas Ritchie's got "Hello", "All Night Long" and "Endless Love", and where would overwrought wedding dances be without that. Of course, the video for Hello sort of creeps me out (there's a definite power imbalance going on between Ritchie and the student who makes a bust of him), but I just honestly can't give this to the Eagles.


Have fun with the nightmares about the unstoppable Ritchie Golem.
Vanderbilt advances.

#11 VCU Rams vs. #3 Purdue Boilermakers
The Rams are making a legitimately impressive run in the actual tournament, but that nonsense doesn't matter in the Murphspot mascot bracket. All that matters is whether a ram, which as far as I can tell hangs around and eats plants, is going to be able to destroy a train, which as far as I can tell is a hulking steel machine whose job it is to not be stopped by livestock. It's even got a little metal bit on the front whose sole purpose is to push everything the hell out of the way. I'm imagining that isn't a gentle process. I can't even make this about 70's music, though I guess I could bring Ram Jam into it, but other than "Black Betty", they're not helping at all. Purdue advances.

#10 Florida State Seminoles vs. #2 Notre Dame Fighting Irish
And we're back with another Ethnic Group Matchup, which makes my squishy liberal body feel tense and afraid. Rather than outright declaring one group better than the other, I'll simply note the difference in weaponry. The Seminoles definitely have a spear, but it's not evident whether the Fighting Irish have more than their fists and a jauntily cocked hat. Yes, the boxing stance from 1920 is impressive, but it does have a glaring weakness in terms of leaving the boxer unable to defend against a damn spear to the face. Florida State advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - West, Round of 32

#16 Hampton Pirates vs. #7 Michigan Wolverines

The real battle here, it seems to me, is not going to be decided by people who hijack ships and the largest land-dwelling weasel. It could, and that would potentially be hilarious to watch (even moreso if the parrot got involved), human-against-small-but-ferocious-animal is not what the Murphspot Mascot Bracket is about. It's about trying to think of ways to differentiate every round from every other round. Hence, comics. Wolverine, of course, is pretty much indestructible given that he's survived having the adamantium ripped from his skeleton and being torn in half by Hulk. But he's overexposed to the point that pointing out how overexposed Wolverine is is a cliche on its own. As far as Pirates, the closest I could think of was DC's Psycho-Pirate who is a bit of an anti-Wolverine. He's an empath and uses a mask to project emotions on to people, which is pretty far from the whole "tearing into things with metal claws" on the "Methods of Attack" spectrum. And he tends to pop up only occasionally. He died, came back for Blackest Night, then died again, so he's certainly destructible. Still, if you're going to have something fight Wolverine, feeding on angst is probably not a terrible way to go. I'd give it to the Pirates, but then I have to mention that the character I've been using to push for them looks like this.



Who designed that? Tim Gunn would have them jailed. Also, Tim Gunn has standing to jail people, and I've just worked in references to Marvel, DC and Project Runway in a mascot bracket post. Michigan advances.

#12 Memphis Tigers vs. #13 Oakland Golden Grizzlies

I'm not sure whether either Memphis is particularly habitable for tigers. I guess Memphis, Tennessee is probably fine, but the ancient Egyptian capital for which it's named is probably not all that hospitable for jungle cats. For that matter, Oakland is pretty well urbanized, and I can't imagine that a grizzly is going to be allowed to just saunter about. So I guess that's a wash. Which is all to say that it's hard to make a reasonable length entry for another Bear/Tiger matchup. Tigers probably have the advantage as far as speed is concerned, but I guess bears can run at 40 mph and they're 900 pounds. They're essentially monsters. Plus, Wikipedia has a photo of this sign in their entry on bears.



That's right. Bear Danger. The worst kind of danger. And the best kind of band name.
I'm going to have to go with the bears. Oakland advances.

#6 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. #14 Bucknell Bisons

As excited as I was over the Cincinnati Fighting Binturongs, I do have to recognize that "Bearcat" is probably a bit misleading in the direction of fierceness. The thing weighs like 30 pounds, which is big-ish for a small mammal, but Bison are over a ton. And they've got horns. And probably a little anger to get out after we killed most of them, which they might misdirect in the direction of the humble bearcat. Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo step on binturongs.Bucknell advances

#10 Penn State Nittany Lions vs. #2 San Diego State Aztecs

And we're back to the whole "human vs. non-human" thing. I guess I should have defined the terms better straight away. I'd restrict the human mascots to having to fight barehanded, but then if a mountain lion's allowed to use its teeth, the human should probably be allowed to use its ability to make a spear to kill the mountain lion. Obviously, given the lack of Aztecs in central Pennsylvania, they probably don't have any direct experience in killing the wildlife on Mount Nittany, but I'm willing to bet they can figure it out. San Diego State advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - East, Round of 32

#16 UTSA Roadrunners vs. #9 George Mason Patriots

Given that the Roadrunners didn't so much gain entry to the second round because they're a viscious competitor but because they were fighting a nut. The Patriots almost certainly have some kind of firearm, and even if you're going to make some kind of "difficult to hit because it's a moving target" argument, I've got to think that the Patriots are going to have some sort of anti-Roadrunner strategic advantage. It's simply too much to overcome. George Mason advances.

#12 UAB Blazers vs. #13 Princeton Tigers

I was going to write something about how a dragon is basically a reptilian tiger with bigger claws and fire (and wings? Sure. Why not. It's not like it's a Balrog). But then the more I look at the matchup, the more this is evidently some manner of wuxia movie. I emailed Ang Lee to ask him what he thought, but he hasn't gotten back to me, so I'm going to have to go with the original analysis. Dragons would kill tigers more quickly than something that happens really quickly. UAB advances

#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #14 Indiana State Sycamores

Oh, Sycamores. Apparently, there are a number of trees called sycamores, but I'll assume this refers to the American Sycamore (given that Indiana State is not in either California or Arizona). It's a good shade tree, but I can only see that helping the musketeers, who might need to sit down after a long day of wearing jaunty hats and growing ridiculous facial hair. And once they're well rested, I imagine they've got a way to cut down the sycamore for firewood. So yeah. Xavier advances.

#7 Washington Huskies vs. #2 North Carolina Tar Heels

I was hoping that at the very least, I could have a dog beat a non-dog opponent to show that I really don't hate dogs, and I don't want to conjure up images of animal cruelty or allegations of specism by saying that the human mascots are going to triumph over the dog mascots, but there's not a lot of room to push here. The Tar Heels have the reach and the strategy to make up for the fact that the Huskies have more intimidating teeth. Plus, if you go with the "Isn't-Too-Concerned-About-The-Hail-of-Gunfire" definitions, I think I have to give it to the Tar Heels. North Carolina advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Southeast, Round One, Part Two

#6 St. John's Red Storm vs. #11 Gonzaga Bulldogs

I've written before about how the idea of Jupiter has always been unnerving to me, primarily because of the Great Red Spot. I'm not an inclement weather kind of person. I like nice, moderate temperatures with some occasional rain but mostly clear skies. The idea of a storm larger than the planet I'm on doesn't sit well with me. The bulldogs, on the other hand, are bulldogs. There are approximately 80 other schools that have entered bulldogs into this tournament, and I don't see them advancing more readily against a giant meteorological event. St. John's advances.

#3 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #14 Wofford Terriers

I think I'm giving off the impression that I have something against dogs. I really, really don't. I like dogs. Dogs are awesome, and I wouldn't want to piss most of them off. Even the tiny, yippy ones. It's just that they're not very formidable when going up against something that lives in the mountains and has giant claws, and survives by killing things pretty much constantly. Most dogs I've known got their food by waiting for a bowl to be filled, not by ripping out anything's throat. I think. I hope. It'd be really odd to find out that most dogs I've known are actually much more capable than I'm giving them credit for. But if they are, they're doing a good job of hiding it, so I've got no choice but to go with the obvious result here. Brigham Young advances.

#7 UCLA Bruins vs. #10 Michigan State Spartans

On one hand, Spartans probably have some sort of armor and weapons and presumably some level of strategy-making ability, and even against bears, I've got to think they've got a fighting chance. On the other hand, bears are terrifying and as far as I know never became a tourist attraction for the Roman elite. Bears, on the other hand, were never narrated by David Wenham.



Though not Spartan, I have to believe that Gondor would have been fine against bears.

Michigan State advances.

#2 Florida Gators vs. #15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos

The Gauchos were last year's Murphspot Mascot Bracket champions, and I've got a feeling they're going to be a force to be reckoned with again. Yeah, gators can eat you (and were inexplicably my alma mater's mascot, despite the fact that I don't think alligators are exactly thick on the ground in northwestern Pennsylvania), but I can't think that the whole "gator wrestling" thing would have become a thing if it weren't possible to outsmart them. Plus, a close look at the Gauchos mascot reveals he's possibly Meta Knight.


Separated at birth.

So we've got a reptile that eats puppies and a guy with probably a sword and bolas and a fantastic hat. UC Santa Barbara advances

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Southeast, Round One, Part One

#1 Pittsburgh Panthers vs. #16 University of Arkansas - Little Rock Trojans

Panthers (or Pumas or Catamounts or Mountain Lions or whatever else that species is going by these days) are kind of intimidating on their face, but I'm tempted to dock them points for essentially sharing a mascot with Penn State. I just prefer a bit more variety in my mascot bracket. The fact is, every time I think of Panthers, I think of Pumas, which makes me think of The Pumaman.



When. You want. The flavor of bacon in a dip.

Granted, a good episode of MST3K, and if that were any justification for advancement in the mascot bracket, Pitt would be much better off. But I'm pretty sure that there isn't an Aztec named Vadinho to do all the actual fighting here, and the Trojans are armed. Probably. Right? I think they had arms. Yes. Anyway, UALR advances

#8 Butler Bulldogs vs. #9 Old Dominion Monarchs

I'm puzzled as to why a university in Norfolk is Monarchist, but I'm going to just go ahead and pretend that there's a subdivision of Norfolk that's been the one place in the nation that's held out since the Revolutionary War and absolutely refuses to acknowledge that fireworks shows are fun and that the obvious health concerns that should come to mind when considering hot dogs are better left ignored because that would get in the way of hilarious contests. We've already covered bulldogs, so all that's left is to determine whether the Monarchs are of the "capable of leading a nation into battle" variety or of the "languishing in their halls while the world moves on without them" variety. Oh, also, apparently my concepts of monarchs are based on whether Gandalf has convinced Theoden that he shouldn't be hiring guys named "Wormtongue" as advisors yet. To hell with it. The monarchs have a crown wearing lion, which can beat a bulldog. Old Dominion advances

#5 Kansas State Wildcats vs. #12 Utah State Aggies

An epic matchup for the ages between slightly more aggressive cats and agricultural students. I really have no idea how to make this one interesting. Some hacky jokes about who owns who in cat/person relationships? Wry comments about Utah that really aren't fair, given that I've never been there and that I like the people that I've met that are from there? I guess the agricultural students could do something about the cat's food supply. Or the Big Blue Bull that Utah State utilizes as a mascot would probably gore the poor thing. Either way, the Wildcats remain an unimpressive mascot, and Utah State advances

#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #13 Belmont Bruins

I'm led to believe that badgers will rip your face off. That's probably true. I'm not sure what I'd do if I encountered one in the wild. I have very little in the way of "wild animal encounter" knowledge. I'd like to think I'd fare well if I had to (for some reason) be in the wilderness suddenly, but that is a lie. I would be eaten pretty much instantly by anything that happened across me. Even the wildcats. But then, Belmont's got brown bears. Or Bobby Orr. Bears are even better at killing me, and Orr revolutionized how defensemen play the game. Either way, I don't see how I can give this to the Badgers. Sure, they'd kill me, but this isn't about me. This is about whether it would kill a bear, or Bobby Orr. It would not. Belmont advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Southwest, Round One, Part Two

#6 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #11 VCU Rams

I guess, if we're going to go with Mascots rather than team names, we've got to judge this on Jack the Bulldog and not an ill-defined team name (which may be part of a phrase which is a cross of Latin and Greek because apparently students in the 1890's were hipsters and neither classical language was, alone, obscure enough for them). Apparently "Hoya" is also Mayim Bialik's middle name so concievably this could be a matchup between Rams and Blossom. Even if we stick with Jack the Bulldog, I'm going to have to go with the size advantage the Ram's got, as well as the ridiculous horns. VCU advances.

#3 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #14 St. Peter's Peacocks

To be fair to the Peacocks, Purdue always puts up a pretty good fight in these mascot brackets, whether I'm defining them as steam-powered trains or simply the people who make the steam-powered trains. So the peacock is really overmatched. The fact that the school name is a possessive (and that these are St. Peter's peacocks) conjures up images of the Gates of Heaven guarded by trancendentally fancy birds which doesn't help it in this fight, but is pretty fantastic in its own right. Purdue advances.

#7 Texas A&M Aggies vs. #10 Florida State Seminoles
The Seminoles have to get points for actually getting permission to call their team the Seminoles. Plus, they appear to have a horse, which gets them the "actual live animal mascot" bonus and a spear, both of which probably aren't involved in basketball.



They also appear to have people who are lost and in khaki shorts. Which aren't an inappropriate mascot for Florida, actually.


The aggies are, I guess, agricultural school students. Which is unique, I guess, in that it's the only one of these mascots that's actually accurate. And they'd probably have a fighting chance if this were a "find a way to utilize modern farming techniques efficiently" contest. It's not. It's a fight to the death, and I'm going with the guy that has a spear over the guy that has some engineering texts. Florida State advances.

#2 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #15 Akron Zips
The zips have a kangaroo. With a statue.


And a McDonald's!

So there's that. I'm not sure how swift kangaroos are in the wild, and I'm not sure what kangaroos could have to do with the name "Zips", but I do know that the name originally referred to a brand of galoshes, which is awesome and something they should have stuck with. If this bracket broke down to "choose the thing that will let me avoid wet socks", Akron would win every year. Every. Year. They'd certainly do better against the Fighting Irish, who I'm going to say can take down a kangaroo. Are kangaroos hard to kill? I have no idea. Oh no. Maybe they're Terminators. Is that why the statue's metal? Have I underestimated the Kangaroo Threat? These are thoughts for another day when I'm less sleep deprived. Notre Dame advances

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Southwest, Round One, Part One

#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #16 Boston University Terriers

"A mythical cross between a blue jay and a sparrow hawk." Really? It seems like we're getting a little loose with what we're granting mythic status. "Oh, you know. Mythical. Like the Norse pantheon. Or King Arthur. Or the Jayhawks." It just seems like "fictional" works just as well there. Terriers, on the other hand, exist. But they're kind of difficult to get excited about in an imagined fight to the death. I know they've got a Boston Terrier pictured, but I can't keep myself from thinking that it's actually Eddie from Frasier that's going to be headed into battle here. Oddly, I think the edge goes to the Jayhawk. Maybe it can borrow Mjolnir for the fight.

#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #9 Illinois Fighting Illini

Hey everyone! It's the politically uncomfortable mascot matchup! Actually, it turns out the Rebel thing comes from when UNLV emerged from the shadow of University of Nevada - Reno, which makes the whole thing seem a bit administrative. The Illini have been surrounded by controversy over their team name and mascot, and I'm not sure how to put the fact that they retired Chief Illiniwek in 2007 into the mascot bracket, leaving them with no actual mascot. I guess it defaults to UNLV. UNLV advances


#5 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #12 Richmond Spiders

I guess if this were some sort of spider vs. small, gullible animal that would let a spider bite it matchup, there'd be some actual kind of battle here. Commodores, as far as I know, have both shoes and can potentially access a newspaper, so the Spider isn't going to stand much of a chance. Even if it's radioactive. Vanderbilt advances.


#4 Louisville Cardinals vs. #13 Morehead State Eagles

Cardinals, so far as I know, aren't particularly agressive birds. I don't think they can be what with the bright colors and poofy head feather thing. which I believe is a scientific term. The most disturbing thing about the Louisville Cardinal is that he has teeth. Which is every nightmare I'm going to have from here on out. Eagles are birds of prey, as opposed to toothy abominations, so I'm going with the mascot that doesn't make me weep uncontrollably. Morehead State advances

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - West, Round One, Part Two

I should address the obvious fact that these are going up after the tournament has started. Mostly because I have a job, and getting up an entire bracket with a paragraph on each game is hard to do between Sunday and Thursday. Given that the mascot bracket has little to do with the actual tournament and that no one in their right mind should have been using this as a guide for filling out a bracket, we're just going to ignore the fact that most of it is going up after the start of things. Expediency isn't what the mascot bracket is about. It's about trying to figure out what kind of bear will beat what kind of tiger.

#6 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. #11 Missouri Tigers

BINTURONG!

Bonus points for having the best species name thus far in the tournament. Yes. The tiger is likely going to have an advantage in a straight out one on one brawl, but bearcats can, according to Wikipedia, be vicious when cornered and have a tendency to chuckle. Also, binturong musk smells like buttered popcorn. That sounds made up. Given that, I think it's entirely reasonable to ascribe magical powers to it. Also, the Bearcats remind me of The Bear Coat, which is fun. Am I being swayed by a preference for less common mascots so that I don't have a dozen Tiger/Tiger and Bear/Bear matchups? Possibly. If that bothers you, I invite you to do your own in depth writeup of the ridiculous concept of mascot brackets. Go on. I'll wait. Cincinnati advances.

#3 UConn Huskies vs. #14 Bucknell Bisons

I'm not sure what to make of the position of the right hoof of the Bucknell Bison. I think it's supposed to look as though it's charging, which it sort of does, but it also looks like it could be hunched over and writing an angry email to everyone it knows about Obama's birth certificate. Either way, I have to imagine that the Bison is going to be more than a match for a Husky, heterochromia notwithstanding. Bucknell advances.

#7 Temple Owls vs. #10 Penn State Nittany Lions

I'll have to admit that I like Penn State in a general sort of way, and I'll even allow "Nittany Lion" to be what it's meant as; a mountain lion that hangs out around Mount Nittany. According to the Wikipedia write-up, it even originates from a Mascot Bracket style matchup.

"The mascot was the creation of Penn State senior H. D. "Joe" Mason in 1907. While on a 1904 trip to Princeton University, Mason had been embarrassed that Penn State did not have a mascot. Mason did not let that deter him: he fabricated the Nittany Lion on the spot and proclaimed that it would easily defeat the Princeton Bengal tiger.[2] The Lion's primary means of attack against the Tiger would be its strong right arm, capable of slaying any foes (this is now traditionally exemplified through one-armed push-ups after the team scores a touchdown)."

Owls are fine too (even if they're not going to have a fighting chance against a mountain lion), but if you're doing a Mascot comparison in 1907, you're making it at least to the second round. Penn State advances.

#2 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #15 Northern Colorado Bears


I'm always amused to see what a mascot in a logo is doing with its limbs. As with the Memphis Tiger, I'm kind of puzzled here. Yeah, the Bear doing some sort of menacing swat at the person who's drawing him, but he also looks like there might be a turntable just off to his lower left. I can't tell. The Aztecs probably have had to deal with a few bears in the course of their existence (there used to be a Mexican Grizzly Bear, but it's extinct now so that's probably significant). And they're likely have weapons, so they'll be able to overtake DJ RAARRGHHHGHGHH. San Diego State advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - West, Round One, Part One

#16 Hampton Pirates vs. #1 Duke Blue Devils

Every year, Duke presents a problem as I'm not sure how to deal with the ambiguity. Are they a French military force? Flowers? DC Comics' stuntman-turned-actual demon Dan Cassidy? A jazz band? Penn Jillette? I can't tell. Pirates, at least the Buccaneer version shown in the logo, are at least sort of a known quantity. They've got cutlasses and firearms and crippling alcoholism and dozens of diseases. I'm pretty sure they could handle the flowers or the jazz band (depending on the band, I guess; none of the bands I was in would have stood a chance), but they might have a harder time with an organized military unit or a blue guy with a healing factor. Given the confusion, and the fact that a lot of those diseases can be pretty nasty, we're going with the Pirates. Hampton advances.

#8 Michigan Wolverines vs. #9 Tennessee Volunteers

I know that the Volunteers they're referring to are military recruits from the wars we tended to get into in the 19th century, but as hard as I try, I can't make myself see anything but a crazed but idealistic 23 year old armed with canned goods and those hard plastic cafeteria trays from the nursing home. I guess they could have a nail gun or be guided by Jimmy Carter, but overall it's not a terribly threatening image.

Actually, it kind of is. Stone cold.

Wolverines, on the other hand, are crazy little bastards that will rip your face off. They don't even care about time spent with the Peace Corps. Sure, they're dicks, but that's not what matters. What matters is that they're going to terrorize the ideals out of their opponent, leaving him or her a shell of good intentions and tool belts. Michigan advances.

#5 Arizona Wildcats vs. #12 Memphis Tigers

We've already had this matchup, so it should be pretty obvious how it's going to go, no matter how ridiculous the "pounce" pose that the Memphis tiger seems to be stuck in is. Apparently, Memphis has a live mascot (which the website calls TOM III, all caps, which makes me think he might be a robot) who the University insists gets world-class care. I don't have any reason to think that's not the case, and so I'm left with the idea of a 600 pound cat going up against my cat, who has been sleeping since I got home from work. Memphis advances.

#4 Texas Longhorns vs. #13 Oakland Golden Grizzlies

As opposed to the "Golden Eagles", I don't think "Golden Grizzly" is a real bear. For some reason, and I'm not sure why, it makes me think that it's going to be advertising cereal. Still, if we just presume a golden grizzly is like a normal grizzly, it's basically a giant killing machine. Majestic, sure, but not something you want to go right up next to on the off chance that it'll want to hang out. Longhorns have those giant horns, and they get bonus points for being a real thing, I guess, so they could impale the bear before it got close enough to rip it to pieces, but they just seem really unwieldy. Not that I'm going to go around messing with Longhorns. It's just that in the cold, cruel world of the Mascot Bracket, "awesome but potentially unwieldy" loses to "giant claws of death". Oakland advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - East, Round One, Part Two

#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #11 Marquette Golden Eagles

Good on Marquette for picking a specific eagle and not having it be the Bald Eagle. Bald eagles are great and all, but I would have taken it as a blatant attempt to win the Murphspot Mascot Bracket through an appeal to patriotism. I'm sure Golden Eagles are as majestic as you get without fashioning a teensy crown and scepter and somehow convincing a bird to carry it. Wikipedia claims they eat not only rabbits and squirrels, but mountain goats(!) and deer (!!). I can't imagine John Darnielle is too pleased with this. But in the end, Xavier's mascot is defined by the concept that he's armed and though my shooting things out of the sky experience is terribly limited, I can't imagine that this one's going to end in the eagle's favor.

Xavier advances.

#3 Syracuse Orange vs. #14 Indiana Sycamores

Seriously?

Seriously?

Actually, reading into it, the mascot situation at Indiana State is more interesting than I would have thought at first glance. They were evidently the "Fighting Teachers" early in the school's history, which would be actually politically relevant if Indiana State were in Wisconsin. The students then voted to change it to "Sycamores", possibly as a joke. They kept using the tree as a mascot for a while, then changed it to Chief Quabachi and his Princess, both because a tree isn't ferocious (and thus would not win the Murphspot Mascot Bracket) and because "Quabachi" is potentially worth 102 points in Scrabble (not counting 50 points if it's played as a bingo). They stopped using Chief Quabachi and Princess (I can't find a name for her) in 1989, then chose "Sycamore Sam" who appears to be a blue fox, but Wikipedia calls him a "blue furry woodland creature". So I don't know. Syracuse is just named after a color and uses an anthropomophic orange, which would either be eaten by the "woodland creature" or ignored by the tree until it rotted. Either way, Indiana State advances.

#7 Washington Huskies vs. #10 Georgia Bulldogs

Given that dog fighting is a real thing, I'm feeling some trepidation about how to figure this one out, so I'll just temporarily dispense with the "which mascot would kill the other" and focus on their attributes. Huskies tend to be associated with cold climates (+1 for toughness, but -1 for reminding me that I'm in Chicago and that spring will evidently never come), but they're good if your antitoxin needs to get to Nome, and they have that heterochromia thing. Bulldogs are solidly built, but tend to suffer from hip dysplasia and will not drag a guy in a sled across barren stretches of Alaska.
Washington advances.

#2 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. #15 Long Island Blackbirds

I'm not sure if it's a positive thing or a negative if your team name makes me think of Paul McCartney. I think that's not good. If you want to progress in the mascot bracket, you should inspire fear. Well, fear that you could hurt me, not fear that you'll make me listen to the incomprehensible parts of the White Album and then pick through my trash.

Still, if "Tar Heel" simply means "North Carolinian", then I'm not sure how this is going to be much of a fight. I'm not sure how many people I know from North Carolina, but I'm pretty sure they'd be able to take care of a small bird, no matter how much a giant anthropomorphic representation is imploring them to bring it.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - East, Round One, Part One

#16 UTSA Roadrunners vs. #1 Ohio State Buckeyes

These mascot brackets would have a better chance at not being irredeemably wrong every time if Ohio State had the decency to be bad every once in a while. Yeah, Aesculus Glabra has poisonous fruit and anything called a "fetid buckeye" is enough to make me question the wisdom of going straight after it, but cartoons have led me to believe that roadrunners generally know what's up and wouldn't rush in to eat the thing.

Besides, if your entire method for killing your opponent is "hope it eats me", you're not doing so well. Sorry Ohio State, UTSA advances.

#9 Villanova Wildcats vs. #8 George Mason Patriots

I've discussed at length how overrated Wildcats are in terms of mascot ferocity in previous years, and I'd like to get over it (partly, of course, I'd like to see Northwestern do well in the event they ever make the tournament), but it's honestly kind of a high hurdle to clear. Wildcats (F. Silvestris) are barely different than housecats. And housecats are pushovers. The most I've seen Boris attack successfully was a shoestring.

Which Patriots we're referring to here aren't well defined, but just because it's fun to make this as lopsided as possible, let's presume we've got the following matchup. European Wildcat vs. MIM-104 Patriot.


VS.




You could say that cats don't fly, so using a surface-to-air missle isn't going to be effective, but by the time you did that, I'd have moved on to the next matchup. George Mason advances.

#5 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #12 UAB Blazers

West Virginia gets a bad deal in the public relations department, honestly. I've known several people from West Virginia and went there often as a kid and have very little negative to say about the experience. They're potentially fellow Pirates fans, so I can't slam them too much, which is why I'm not going to make a crack about West Virginians being unfamiliar with what a blazer is. Mountaineers, I guess, would be denizens of the Appalachian Mountains (which I'm a fan of, in my limited experience of "occasionaly driving through them), but that doesn't help the fact that Blaze is still a freaking dragon, and he's going to be hard to bring down.

Maybe they'll eventually run into some knights or something. For the time being, UAB advances.

#4 Kentucky Wildcats vs. #13 Princeton Tigers

As far as matchups go, there's not much to say when one mascot is a larger, more deadly version of the other mascot. I'm going to go ahead and admit that I'm not as familiar with Ivy League mascots as I should be (I guess?). Dartmouth's apparently got an unofficial mascot called "Keggy the Keg", which is refreshing and whimsical. But all I've got to go on is the matchup I'm presented with, and it's barely a fight. Princeton advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - First Four

Oh dear. It's time for the Murphspot Mascot Bracket again. For those of you who weren't here the last time this nonsense happened, it's not that difficult, really. I'm going to take the NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Championship bracket (that is, the March Madness bracket) and fill it out by comparing the relative merits of the mascots of each team. Rather than, say, their ability to be good at basketball. Ideally, each of these is going to be the answer to the question "which one of these would win in a fight to the death", with the caveat that if we run into abstract team names, teams without mascots that I can find within a very short time or any other kind of nonsense, I reserve the right to make things up.

This is supposed to be somewhere in the realm of humor. Please do not enter a March Madness pool with this bracket. You will lose. It would be hilarious.

So! To start things off: The Play In Round. Or the "First Four" if you want to go with the NCAA's marketing.

#16 University of North Carolina Asheville Bulldogs vs. #16 University of Arkansas-Little Rock Trojans



Bulldogs are one of those mascots that are used by a lot of schools, and I'm not entirely positive why. They're (from what I can tell; I haven't spent much time around bulldogs) tenacious little things, and they're pretty solidly built, and "bulldog" is easier to fit onto merchandise than, say, the University of North Carolina-Asheville Bernese Mountain Dogs. The latter doesn't really roll off the tongue, even though they're basically a bear (or "bear sized" at least. Perhaps "Large enough to make Ryan think there's a bear in the room, which is distressing". That's probably it.)

Trojans, of course, have the unfortunate fate of conjuring up images of condoms and military forces that can be fooled by giant wooden horses. It's funny, actually, how often throughout history giant wooden animals that are big enough to contain a small strike team have been pivotal in military conflicts.

(They haven't. It was just that one time.)

Still, I have to imagine the University of Arkansas - Little Rock Trojan has a sword or shield or some kind of weapon, and if I'm going to link it to prophylactics, I should also note that Trojan Records is pretty awesome, and having Trojans as a mascot this early gives me an excuse to post a link to Toots and the Maytals. That's enough to clinch it. UALR advances.

#12 University of Alabama at Birmingham Blazers vs. #12 Clemson Tigers



I was momentarily kind of worried that UAB was somehow employing sportcoats into a ridiculous yachting mascot (yachting? regattaful? I have no idea what the proper term is). But no. They went the awesome route and employed a goddamn dragon. Named Blaze. Which actually increases the odds he's wearing a sportcoat.

Clemson's got a tiger, which would usually be pretty fierce, but as far as I know, it's not a tiger that breathes fire or guards a hoard of treasure at the Lonely Mountain. And even the logo isn't a tiger, but rather the proof that the tiger has recently been here.

It probably isn't here any more because it's running from the fashionable dragon. UAB advances

#16 University of Texas-San Antonio Roadrunners vs. #16 Alabama State Hornets



Good on UTSA for not using the obvious preexisting character and coming up with their own logo. Oregon, take notes. Plus, Geococcyx is one of the better genus names out there. Hornets, on the other hand are annoying if you come across them unexpectedly and don't have a can of Raid on hand. Otherwise, they're not that intimidating. Add in that, evidently, roadrunners eat insects. I could probably make up something to make this more competitive, but this is about integrity, damn it. UTSA advances.

#11 USC Trojans vs. #11 Virginia Commonwealth University Rams



Trojans, again? Already? We've just started and we're already getting repetitive with our mascots. Rams, on the other hand, have awesome horns and are "uncastrated male sheep" which means, to me at least, that they know enough about how to fight humans that they were able to keep the guy with the scissors at bay. They're not horses, obviously, but I really think the whole "hide in a giant wooden cart that we wheel in to the city" would have worked whether the ungulate they used were odd or even-toed. I just don't have that much faith in the Trojans. VCU advances.

Stuffed Chicken: An Odyssey

In terms of getting a handle on setting expectations that are artificially inflated, I think I've struck on another.


The Kiev is a lie.

I have something deeply embarrasing to admit. I've never actually made a stuffed chicken breast. From scratch, that is. I've heated these frozen things up which are fine, but I always suspect that when I buy something frozen, it's completely artificial. Like there's a machine somewhere that just churns these things out wholly formed, because otherwise I can't really conceive of how you make a little football of chicken and ham and fun. I have had non-frozen stuffed chicken, obviously, but I think usually those have been professionally prepared at weddings and graduation parties and places that are likely to have a lot of Sterno on hand. And, of course, I assume that culinary schools are basically Hogwarts, and that the rules don't apply. Of course those guys can make delicious little packets of chicken. They're magic.

Then, I came across this. Which seems easy enough, and I thought I'd try out given that I had chicken, bread crumbs and little cans of green chiles. Which is fun, until I got to the part where I had to suture the chicken together with toothpicks. I think the first problem is that I overestimated how elastic a hammered-out half chicken breast is. I did not overestimate the possibilities for "Hammered-Out Chicken Breast" as the name for a trip-hop band, because those are endless. But I'm pretty sure I tried to fit too much inside the little chicken roll-up. Something went wrong, because it looks like a horrorshow. Even moreso when it was time to cover it in egg and breading.

Twenty minutes later, it still looks nowhere near professional, but the seam has sort of been sealed by the cheese, which is how I think seams should work in general. Very slightly overcooked (which I'm fine with, given that I'm still desperately clinging to the "just figuring out how to cook without poisoning everyone" label). I overbreaded it a bit and evidently forgot how many toothpicks I'd used to stitch the damned thing together, but "slightly more bready chicken" seems worth "demystifying chicken envelopes".

"Demystifying Chicken Envelopes" being a ridiculous jam band that no one would voluntarily listen to.

Resolutions

Honestly, I'm not even sure what I want from this anymore. I started this (after several failed attempts) because I was bored at work in undergrad, and only really stuck with it because I was working the overnight shift at a McDonald's and needed something to keep me from snapping.

I'm not sure that last part has changed significantly. I work eight hours, have some sort of terrible meal roughly in the middle of it, then spend an hour getting angry at traffic. I still have long stretches where I'm not actually doing anything, but I'm not writing because I don't want to be confrontational or because I've set this huge road block for myself where I've got to come up with something brilliant because I haven't written since last year.

That's ridiculous. There are somewhere around five blogs for every person on the planet, and no one's reading this. So to hell with it. This "only writing for March Madness" thing isn't cutting it anymore. The confrontation thing doesn't make sense either, except that I'm hypersensitive to it. When we moved in to this apartment, we nailed something to the wall at 10pm, and our downstairs neighbor came up and asked us to knock it off. Totally reasonable request. Since then, I've been terrified of making noise and have been sneaking around this place like an overweight, lumbering, ineffective ninja.

It's ludicrous.

That's not to say I haven't been trying to get myself to get back to this. I'll record half-assed attempts at notes on my lunch break at work and buying these tiny little notebooks that are annoying as shit to write in because I've convinced myself that if I carry paper and a pencil around I'll become creative and turn this nonsense into something read and fawned over by millions.

The only time I update reliably is when I set some sort of schedule, like I'm forced to with March Madness. Which is great, and I can get myself worked up over a theme, but then as soon as I'm done, it flames out and I'm left with nothing again. I'm not even sure why I'm so reluctant just to relegate Murphspot to the pile of half-journals I've had over the years that go nowhere. It's probably some nonsense about a crippling fear that I've become unremarkable, which I have. And that's fine.

That happens to almost everyone.

Jesus, Peter Francis Gerasi. Could your commercials be any louder?

I thought about doing some sort of list of resolutions challenge to myself. Given
that I never posted it and it's nearly February, that's failed. It was too concrete and too ambitious and changing everything because it's mid-winter and we're out of holidays is completely arbitrary. The upside of that, I guess, is that there's nothing particularly wrong with claiming a resolution and starting it whenever you want.

So then. Let's start now? I guess? The original idea was to use this as a sort of checkpoint, so that I'd give myself goals and then could write about the progress. I'm not sure that's a terrible place to start, but at the risk of jeopardizing the chance that I'll get anything done, I think I'd like it to be less restrictive than I'd thought at first. I'll still post bits of progress on various goals I've got for myself that I'd like to make progress on before next year, but I'm going to not try to set something up that I'll fail at, which'll just lead to me stopping all posting because hey, I've already fallen behind.

At the moment, I'll just resolve to stop insisting that I have fully formed and brilliant posts as a prerequisite for writing, and I'll try to stop holding myself to some kind of unattainable standard. When I posted most often on this, it was primarily because I was getting off of work at 7am and no one was awake, but I don't see why I can't get back to the sort of mindset I was in when that was happening. The first post after a long break is always the most difficult, and maybe I'm still being too ambitious with this, but to hell with it.

Beloit College Mindset List

Beloit College seems like a fine enough place. It looks like the same sort of tiny, possibly pretentious, liberal arts place I went to undergrad, and even shows up in the same bok that duped all of our non-Pittsburgh area students into living in Meadville for four years. There's probably even some weird Wisconsinite version of the Penny Bar, though probably with fewer national monument replicas made of pennies and more, I don't know. Packers, I guess.

Every year, Beloit publishes The Mindset List, which ostensibly exists to help faculty realize how dated the references are using are, but which has the side effect of making me feel like a bitter old man who hates everything.

Some excerpts, all with the obvious implication that you get the hell off my lawn.

1. Few in the class know how to write in cursive.

This is something I am absolutely fine with. I can't remember the last time I wrote in proper cursive. My printing is just this side of legible, and adding flourishes and connecting everything isn't helping.

2. Email is just too slow, and they seldom if ever use snail mail.

That's fine, and all, and I'll grant that waiting for them to check their email isn't as quick as texting them, but I just felt like I should get on the record that the phrase "snail mail" needs to die. Paper mail is trying as hard as it can, damn it. Plus, there's the problem of having to constantly escalate, if the problem is that email is now too slow.

7. “Caramel macchiato” and “venti half-caf vanilla latte” have always been street corner lingo.

I still have no idea what I'm doing in regards to non-diner coffee, but that's my failing, not the Class of 2014's. I don't think it's even a refusal to learn new things. I think it's just my social neuroses that make me prefer ordering a coffee by flipping over a mug.

9. Had it remained operational, the villainous computer HAL could be their college classmate this fall, but they have a better chance of running into Miley Cyrus’s folks on Parents’ Weekend.

Would they really? Is Miley Cyrus going to Beloit? Are the Cyruses from rural Wisconsin? Why would HAL 9000 be attending a small liberal arts college anyway? What would his presence do to the college's life support systems? Who would HAL 9000 have brought to Parents' Weekend? There are so many questions.


10. A quarter of the class has at least one immigrant parent, and the immigration debate is not a big priority…unless it involves “real” aliens from another planet.

I was with you up until here, Mindset List. I'm a supporter of successive generations getting more progressive, but I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume that the class of 2014 reserves debate for extraterrestrials. I'll concede that they're young, and that I'm old, but that's it. They're from 1992, not the goddamn future.

38. Bud Selig has always been the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.

I sort of want this to be literally true. An immortal Bud Selig has been adopting new personae for centuries until he wound up as Kennesaw Mountain Landis, and he's just been staying in the same job for decades by changing his appearance every once in a while. Commissioner Who.

If Christopher Eccleston somehow manages to become the Commisioner, I shall be vindicated.

46. Nirvana is on the classic oldies station.

Now hold on one goddamn minute. This is nonsense. This is... what the hell is this? The hell they are. If I flew back to Pittsburgh and put on 3WS, entirely because I don't know the Chicago classic rock station and refuse to learn, I will not hear "Polly". I will hear Rod Stewart and that is the way things should be. I accepted Roseanne and Fresh Prince on Nick-at-Nite, but this "Nirvana on the Oldies" station bullshit will not stand.

59. By the time their folks might have noticed Coca Cola’s new Tab Clear, it was gone.

Is this youth-dependent? I didn't notice Tab Clear. I have a vague recollection of Crystal Pepsi, but only because they were handing it out outside of Three Rivers one day, but I was nine, so they didn't give me any.

70. The artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg has always been rapping.

I'm not sure that's specific to the class of 2014. Snoop has always been rapping. He exists outside of the conventional timestream of we mere mortals.

74. They've always been able to blast off with the Sci-Fi (SYFY) Channel.

This isn't Beloit's fault, but no one will ever "blast off" with the SyFy channel. People will stay planted firmly in reality and will take up sensible hobbies until the spelling is made less ridiculous. I'll call it the Willis Tower before I accept that there's a "SyFy" channel.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Final Four and Championship

#15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies


It's a testament to the degree to which I make this up as I go that this is what we've wound up with in the Final Four. I've been talking up the honesty of the Golden Grizzlies lately, but I think the wildcard here is the ingenuity of the Santa Barbara Gaucho. I mean, their job is subduing animals, to an extent. Further, a friend of mine works at a Brazilian Steakhouse, and her restaurant refers to the guys that come around with the giant skewers full of meat as "gauchos", so they've clearly got something going on. In the end, I'm going to defer to the UC Santa Barbara Gauchos' stealth and meat-powers.

UC Santa Barbara advances to the final.

#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers


I've been way too big on the Demon Deacons. The Boilermakers have practical knowledge and would be pretty damn useful in an emergency. I'm not sure what a Demon Deacon would do. Read the bible from a motorcycle, I guess. Which is, you know, impressive, but not precisely useful. I'm going to say that this match ends when the Boilermakers use their boilermaking abilities to knock out the lights, then attack the Demon Deacons with an acetylene torch.

Purdue advances to the final.

FINAL

#15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers


The Gauchos have come pretty far since defeating Ohio State back in the first round. Purdue's been steady; a high seed that kept on keeping on, what with being (as far as I can tell) a train full of welders. It's an epic showdown with hammers and lassos and welding masks. I wasn't sure which way this was going to go upon first inspection. But then, the answer revealed itself. Nerdiness solves all problems.



That is El Gaucho. He's a member of a group called "Batmen of All Nations", a story that appeared in Detective Comics #215 and revisited during Grant Morrison's run on Batman. The Batmen of All Nations are various heroes from across the world inspired by Batman to fight crime locally. That solved it.

Batman (or in this case, a Batman analogue) always wins.

Your 2010 Murphspot Mascot Bracket Champions.

University of California - Santa Barbara Gauchos

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Elite Eight

#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #15 UCSB Gauchos


I've never been out west, really. Certainly not as far as either Nevada or California. I've always viewed that as somewhat of a personal failing; one which I intend to address as soon as I have enough disposable income to visit. The result is that I'm not sure I've ever met a UC Santa Barbara fan, and I've never met a UNLV fan. There's only one time I can clearly recall seeing someone wearing UNLV gear in the media. That one person? Chumlee.


If this guy isn't your personal hero, you're living your life incorrectly.

I'm not sure what it means that I managed to relate the mascot bracket to Pawn Stars. I think probably something terrible. Still, this sort of handicaps the Runnin' Rebels if there's an art appraisal portion to the competition. There isn't, but it's enough to shake my faith in UNLV and say that this one ends in an upset. UC Santa Barbara advances.

#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies


I feel like I should address the fact that Commodore isn't a rank in the United States Navy. It's a title, but it's not attached to a paygrade (they're senior Captains, but "Commodore" is no longer its own rank). It had its heyday before the Civil War, when Congress refused to authorize admirals. So that takes a measure of awesomeness away from Vanderbilt that even Lionel Richie might not be able to restore. Actually, he definitely won't be able to restore it. I'm not knocking "Hello", but the minute of Lionel Richie being a teacher is just unnecessary. Additionally, the Golden Grizzlies have the element of surprise. The Navy doesn't plan for Grizzlies. Not at sea, anyway. I imagine they would if they were stationed somewhere where there were bears.

Still, I'm saying that Oakland advances.

#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #2 West Virginia University Mountaineers


The Mountaineers have been skating along, able to kill pretty much at will because they've been going up against things that you could reasonably hunt. Not so with the Demon Deacons. I imagine this ends with the Deacons sitting the Mountaineers down to talk to them about ethics and how they've been living their lives, followed by the distant rumble of motorcycles as the Deacons' gang comes rolling in to take out the disarmed (both literally and emotionally) Mountaineers.

Wake Forest advances.

#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials


The problem with Colonials is that they're by definition living in the Colonial era, which means they'll be overwhelmed by the technology that the Boilermakers wield. They were also indirectly responsible, I expect, for a meal I had at about 4am in a small diner called the Colonial Inn just outside of New York City where they yelled at us for trying to order things that they had on the menu. The nerve. Plus, the Colonials would have had to rely on much slower means of transport than the Boilermakers, weakening their strategic position as communication between outposts takes weeks. Technology wins and Purdue advances

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Sweet Sixteen - East/South

#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #4 Wisconsin Badgers


When I decided that Wake Forest would make it past the first round, I thought the Demon Deacons would be knocked out relatively quickly. They've hung in there, and now they're going up against something from the Weasel family in a sweater. I guess it could give the Deacon rabies, but we've seen over and over that there's nothing more the Deacon likes to do than tool around on his motorcycle. The badger's roadkill, and I somehow managed to get through Wisconsin's tenure in the tournament without it devolving into just saying "Badger Badger" over and over until a snake shows up. Mushroom Mushroom.

Wake Forest advances.

#14 Montana Grizzlies vs. #2 West Virginia Mountaineers


I've been in enough houses with bear rugs to know the outcome of this one. The grizzlies had a good run, and I'm sorry to see them go, but if there's one thing the mountaineer has, it's guns. Lots and lots of guns. And occasionally some hunting permits. Sometimes.

West Virginia advances.

#8 California Golden Bears vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers


As well as bears were doing, they've been running into opponents they can't match up against. Whether it's the guy with the arc welder or a train that's been built onto a truck chassis, it's someone with superior weaponry or several thousand pounds of force behind it. Were they the California Titanium Bears, then maybe. As it stands? Purdue advances.

#3 Baylor Bears vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials


There were revolutionary era battlefields around the area where I grew up, and I think I would have been a lot more interested when we took trips to them in elementary school if there were at least one or two stories about the fort being overrun by bears. Hell, if that's what happened to Roanoke, I'm officially interested. Unfortunately, to my knowledge, none of that ever transpired. It's a shame. I'm going to assume it's because bears were terrified of the Colonials and their well known advanced anti-bear tactics. Robert Morris advances.