2013 Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Sweet Sixteen - South/East

#16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers vs. #4 Michigan Wolverines

Wolverines have a reputation for ferocity, but I'm not sure how well just being ferocious is going to hold up against the screaming terror that is Big Red.

He's also got time for the occasional bit of solemn contemplation.

Part of the issue is that while they've got a team name, Michigan doesn't actually have a mascot. There's that wolverine from the 1920s who kept trying to kill his handlers (though, to be fair to the wolverine, we only really have the handlers' account of the whole thing), but even if we presume some sort of temporal anomaly that allows the Jazz Age wolverine to compete against Big Red, he'll be dazed by the advances in technology, commercial flight and the noted absence of Jelly Roll Morton.

Wolverine Blues, indeed.

I'm sure the wolverine would put up a fight, but Big Red abandoned fear when he donned the WKU lettering. I"m guessing he just swings his giant head open and tosses the wolverine in.

Western Kentucky advances.

#6 UCLA Bruins vs. #7 San Diego State Aztecs

I've been pretty emphatic in my belief that bears are basically monsters, and Joe Bruin is no different. He's three-quarters of a ton of claws and fury in light blue shorts, and I can't decide whether the shorts make him less intimidating (because it's a bear wearing shorts) or more intimidating (because he clearly doesn't care).

Fun fact: Brown bears are serially monogamous and are constantly doing this sort of nonsense.

Luckily for the Aztec, bears aren't really pack animals, because if they were humans would never have stuck around long enough to come up with college basketball. As the Aztec mascot exists as part of a standing army, he's got the ability to strategize and figure out how to take down a bear before it rips his head off. Atlatls, maybe, which I've read can be quite accurate. Most YouTube videos I've found regarding atlatls seem to throw that into question, but then again most of them are made by guys in Rockford who throw darts at stuff for fun.

Who am I kidding? I sort of want an atlatl now.

I'll assume the San Diego State Aztec is pretty good at things.

San Diego State advances.

#8 North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. #5 UNLV Rebels

Mr. and Mrs. Wuf are at least nominally part of a Wolfpack, but I also get the feeling they spend most of their time looking for yard sales and spoiling their grandkids. It's the sweaters and souvenir hats, I think.

If this were a competition about building models of tall ships, Mr. Wuf would win hands down.

On the other side of things, we've got Hey Reb, who will devour your soul in an unspeakably terrifying ceremony.

He just wants a hug! And to siphon all of your good memories!

Hey Reb also has a slightly less "buttoned-down surburbanite" vibe to him. More of a "lives in the middle of the desert and spends most of his time focused on his mustache, occasionally staggering into town to scream something about the Lizard Overlords Who Control Us All" sort of thing.

If this were the Murphspot Mascot Hat Bracket, Hey Reb would win convincingly. And why not.

UNLV advances.

#11 Bucknell Bison vs. #15 Pacific Tigers

I like Bucky the Bison. He's the size of a sedan, can move about as fast (if the sedan's in a residential neighborhood) and he seems genuinely pleased by the whole situation.

A little surprised, sure, but happy. Like he just found out he's going to a theme park.

Power Cat, on the other hand, has quickly become a grizzled veteran of the Mascot Bracket by virtue of the fact that he's been apparently designed to be grizzled.

The issue here is that I set out in the Rules at the beginning of this iteration of the bracket that Precedent Counts. As Power Cat has already taken care of the Colorado Buffalo, I'll have to apply the same result here, which leads me to regrettably take the Bison out of consideration. Which is a shame, because he had such a promising career as the head of a crime syndicate.

Pacific advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, Elite Eight

#5 Wichita Shockers vs. #10 Xavier Musketeers


I've already briefly lost my mind and decided that the Animated Wheat Abominations embodied by WuShock shouldn't be affected by gunfire, as projectiles would probably pass through them pretty easily. On the other hand, it's not as though wheat's got a lot of offensive capabilities. If wheat is going to kill a musketeer, it's going to have to either be incorporated into some sort of poisonous dish (preferably of the period most closely associated with the musketeers so that he'll eat it without suspicion) or by not being there for long enough that the Musketeer starves to death.

D'artagnan, on the other hand, was mostly concerned with actual combat but did, I'm guessing, have some sort of blade which could conceivably cut through wheat.

Xavier advances.


#1 Michigan State Spartans vs. #10 Virginia Cavaliers


This is turning out to be surprisingly human heavy near the end of the bracket. It makes sense from a "we have all the weapons, and occasionally the opponent is wheat, as though this is like the inverse of an after school nutrition special" point of view, but I'm worried this is merely highlighting some sort of underlying specieism I've been trying to think I've dealt with. It's probably more the weapons thing, though.

I could get into the differences in weaponry between 4th century BC Peleponnesians and 17th century frenchmen, but it's really more relevant to my interests to note that the Virginia Cavalier mascot (the unimaginatively named CavMan) has one of the few goatees in the tournament, and it's terrifying.

Cavman's only form of communication is maniacal laughter.

The Spartan mascot (Sparty) is more muscular, but lacks facial hair entirely. Also firearms.

Virginia advances.


#13 Montana Grizzlies vs. #3 Florida State Seminoles


There's another geographical disconnect here; grizzly bears tend to hang out in the northwest, and the Florida State Seminoles are pretty solidly centered in Florida. And the Seminoles have a fighting chance, as they've got weapons and have probably taken down a bear or two in their time. That'd be great if we were dealing with a standard bear, but we've previously established that Monte (following in the tradition of giving incredibly plain names to mascots) has both a motorcycle and a bandana.

Which, as we all know, universally signifies badassery.

I can't think of much that would stand up against a 700 pound grizzly bear flying around on a motorcycle, but I'm now going to live the rest of my life terrified that that is a thing that will happen.

Montana advances.


#1 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. #15 Detroit Titans


Rameses is great, and all, but when you get right down to it, he's an oversized ram with oddly yellow horns.

I'm concerned they might be indicative of some kind of health issue.

The "Tar Heel" thing seems to literally come from tar and pitch that were produced in North Carolina. There's a "standing their ground" implication that goes along with that, but honestly, I think speed and agility is going to be significantly more important, especially when going up against a deity. The Titans, as ever, have an uncomfortably wide smile and Bruce Campbell's chin.

Detroit advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, Midwest, Round One, Part Two

#6 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #11 North Carolina State Wolfpack

At first glance, this seems to be a classic matchup pitting man against beast and could actually be a sporting match, as the Aztec mascot’s got a shield and spear, as opposed to, say, a Howitzer.

And North Carolina State specifies that it’s a wolfpack, and if this is going to be an entire pack fighting one Aztec Warrior, it’ll be a struggle. On the other hand, the mascots for North Carolina State are Mr. and Mrs. Wuf.

 

This is where we’re starting.

They apparently get married on occasion by the Wake Forest Demon Deacon who appears to hold standing in North Carolina to serve as a wedding officiant and who sadly isn’t in the bracket this year (I’ll assume he’s riding across the American Southwest and writing a memoir). I’m not going to hold that against them, but I am going to hold that little hat against Mr. Wuf.

Listen, I get it. You’re a mascot, you’ve been around for a while and your wardrobe was picked out in the 30’s, but this is severely limiting my ability to pick NC State.

The Aztec Warrior headgear, on the other hand, is awesome.

Maybe this is the Murphspot Hat Bracket after all.  

San Diego State advances.

#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #14 Belmont Bruins

I should go back through my brackets and see if I’ve ever advanced Georgetown through the first round. They’re named after their cheer (“Hoya Saxa”) which is Greek and Latin and irrelevant in a Mascot Bracket. They’ve got Jack the Bulldog, who is a bulldog.

The Bruins have the advantage of being brown bears, who historically have done very well in Murphspot Mascot Brackets. And Ray Bourque.

This isn’t even a competition. Jack’s adorable and all, but he’s also, what, 60 pounds on the high end? And he doesn’t have ridiculous claws?

Yeah.

Belmont advances

#7 Saint Mary’s Gaels vs. #10 Purdue Boilermakers

Oh, man am I sad it’s taken this long to get to Gael Force One.  

Look at this. 

That’s a ten foot tall knight who’s apparently made of mylar. That’s just great. Not terribly effective on the battlefield, but a fantastic use of inflatables technology. Actually, Gael Force One (who seems to be named by splitting the difference between Gaels, gale force winds and Air Force One) might have been useful for demoralizing an enemy, so long as they don’t have the ability to shoot projectiles at it.

Purdue, on the other hand, is a train, which (in the limited number of Westerns I’ve actually watched) seems to be pretty hard to actually stop. Presuming Gael Force One has to stay on the tracks (or if the Purdue Boilermaker is some manner of magical train that can travel without rails, which I guess is really just a truck and hence not very magical), this is going to end with a collision and a blow up knight bouncing ninety feet into the air.

And that is how you get a parade started.  

Purdue advances.  

#2 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #15 Detroit Titans

And we’re at the all-mythical matchup. Jayhawks were Abolitionists who associated themselves with John Jay, which has somehow come to be personified in Big Jay, a giant blue bird with shoes.

Actually, the shoes were added by the guy who was designing the mascot specifically so that it could kick opponents, which is pretty awesome and hints that they knew, a century in advance, that some guy in Chicago would be writing a series of posts about mascots actually fighting each other.

The Titans, on the other hand, are presumably huge deities who preceded the Olympians. The Titans’ mascot does nothing to dissuade this.

His expression only works if his head is tilted back, and he’s constantly saying “Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

As noble as the cause of the Jayhawks is, they’re not Zeus and so they’re likely going to have some issues with the sword-and-shield wielding God of Foam Rubber.  

Detroit advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, West, Round One, Part Two

#6 Murray State Racers vs. #11 Colorado State Rams

Both schools here have an actual, living mascot, which I think makes me a little uncomfortable about speculating about which one would win in a fight to the death.

Not so uncomfortable that I won’t proceed, though.


Murray State’s got Racer One, a disappointingly generically named Thoroughbred who makes me think we’re playing an arcade game from the early 90s. Cruis’n USA, maybe. Racer One apparently runs around the field following a touchdown, which isn’t relevant here, but is more interesting than sitting in stable all day getting fat off of the flesh of other mascots.

Colorado State’s got CAM the Ram, a bighorn sheep with an initialism for a name and some ridiculously curved horns.



Note: Sheep pupils are rectangular and I may or may not have an irrational fear of them.

So, yes, CAM would likely be able to cause some damage by headbutting Racer One, but he’s still a sheep, while Racer One’s filled with adrenaline from getting HBO to stop production on Luck. Plus, Racer One’s presumably got metal on his hooves, which seems like it’d hurt.

Murray State advances

#3 Marquette Golden Eagles vs. #14 Iona Gaels

I’m sorry. I’ve been doing this for years, and every time I get to Marquette, all I can see is this.



I know. They were the Screaming Eagles. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

It’s a little ridiculous, as Golden Eagles exist and seem to be able to fend for themselves pretty well without assistance from Jerry Van Dyke and Bill Fagerbakke, while Screaming Eagles are, I’m pretty sure, what you see when you have some sort of horrible drug interaction.

Falconry appears to have been practiced more widely among the Saxons than the Gaels, so Iona’s not going to be able to rely on simply being able to control the Golden Eagles, and I’m unfamiliar with any origin story that makes Hawkman a Gael (Ancient Egyptian prince or Space Policeman from Thanagar, sure, but never Gaelic). They did have weapons, though, while the eagle is going to have to try to rip apart its big creepy head.

I don’t see that happening, especially with all those damned teeth.

Iona advances

#7 Florida Gators vs. #10 Virginia Cavaliers

Cavman seems skeptical.



I assume he’s trying to figure out whether the right side of his hat is meant to evoke a feather or some sort of ridiculous fur trim.

Alligators are intimidating in that “reptiles shouldn’t be that large or keen on eating people” sort of way, and they’re at least somewhat more appropriate in Florida, where I understand they exist, than as the mascot for my alma mater, where they don’t.

On the other hand, the Cavalier explicitly has a sword, which gives him some range over the Gator and, I think, is enough for a victory.

Virginia advances

#2 Missouri Tigers vs. #15 Norfolk State Spartans

If nothing else, this is a better matchup than the Spartan/Blackbird match earlier this round. There aren’t tigers in Laconia as far as I know, so it’s possible that the Spartans wouldn’t quite know what to do with a tiger.

On the other hand, Tru, the Missouri Mascot looks like this:



I don’t know what it is, but that looks like the most vulnerable tiger I’ve ever seen. I think maybe the stripe above his eyes? Like he’s pleading for approval. And I’d like to give it to him, but this bracket is about survival and fighting prowess and utter nonsense, so I’ll assume the Spartan’s well trained enough to pull this off.

I’m sorry, Tru. It’s ok. I’ll get you some ice cream. Maybe next year.

Norfolk State advances

Resolutions

Honestly, I'm not even sure what I want from this anymore. I started this (after several failed attempts) because I was bored at work in undergrad, and only really stuck with it because I was working the overnight shift at a McDonald's and needed something to keep me from snapping.

I'm not sure that last part has changed significantly. I work eight hours, have some sort of terrible meal roughly in the middle of it, then spend an hour getting angry at traffic. I still have long stretches where I'm not actually doing anything, but I'm not writing because I don't want to be confrontational or because I've set this huge road block for myself where I've got to come up with something brilliant because I haven't written since last year.

That's ridiculous. There are somewhere around five blogs for every person on the planet, and no one's reading this. So to hell with it. This "only writing for March Madness" thing isn't cutting it anymore. The confrontation thing doesn't make sense either, except that I'm hypersensitive to it. When we moved in to this apartment, we nailed something to the wall at 10pm, and our downstairs neighbor came up and asked us to knock it off. Totally reasonable request. Since then, I've been terrified of making noise and have been sneaking around this place like an overweight, lumbering, ineffective ninja.

It's ludicrous.

That's not to say I haven't been trying to get myself to get back to this. I'll record half-assed attempts at notes on my lunch break at work and buying these tiny little notebooks that are annoying as shit to write in because I've convinced myself that if I carry paper and a pencil around I'll become creative and turn this nonsense into something read and fawned over by millions.

The only time I update reliably is when I set some sort of schedule, like I'm forced to with March Madness. Which is great, and I can get myself worked up over a theme, but then as soon as I'm done, it flames out and I'm left with nothing again. I'm not even sure why I'm so reluctant just to relegate Murphspot to the pile of half-journals I've had over the years that go nowhere. It's probably some nonsense about a crippling fear that I've become unremarkable, which I have. And that's fine.

That happens to almost everyone.

Jesus, Peter Francis Gerasi. Could your commercials be any louder?

I thought about doing some sort of list of resolutions challenge to myself. Given
that I never posted it and it's nearly February, that's failed. It was too concrete and too ambitious and changing everything because it's mid-winter and we're out of holidays is completely arbitrary. The upside of that, I guess, is that there's nothing particularly wrong with claiming a resolution and starting it whenever you want.

So then. Let's start now? I guess? The original idea was to use this as a sort of checkpoint, so that I'd give myself goals and then could write about the progress. I'm not sure that's a terrible place to start, but at the risk of jeopardizing the chance that I'll get anything done, I think I'd like it to be less restrictive than I'd thought at first. I'll still post bits of progress on various goals I've got for myself that I'd like to make progress on before next year, but I'm going to not try to set something up that I'll fail at, which'll just lead to me stopping all posting because hey, I've already fallen behind.

At the moment, I'll just resolve to stop insisting that I have fully formed and brilliant posts as a prerequisite for writing, and I'll try to stop holding myself to some kind of unattainable standard. When I posted most often on this, it was primarily because I was getting off of work at 7am and no one was awake, but I don't see why I can't get back to the sort of mindset I was in when that was happening. The first post after a long break is always the most difficult, and maybe I'm still being too ambitious with this, but to hell with it.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Final Four and Championship

#15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies


It's a testament to the degree to which I make this up as I go that this is what we've wound up with in the Final Four. I've been talking up the honesty of the Golden Grizzlies lately, but I think the wildcard here is the ingenuity of the Santa Barbara Gaucho. I mean, their job is subduing animals, to an extent. Further, a friend of mine works at a Brazilian Steakhouse, and her restaurant refers to the guys that come around with the giant skewers full of meat as "gauchos", so they've clearly got something going on. In the end, I'm going to defer to the UC Santa Barbara Gauchos' stealth and meat-powers.

UC Santa Barbara advances to the final.

#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers


I've been way too big on the Demon Deacons. The Boilermakers have practical knowledge and would be pretty damn useful in an emergency. I'm not sure what a Demon Deacon would do. Read the bible from a motorcycle, I guess. Which is, you know, impressive, but not precisely useful. I'm going to say that this match ends when the Boilermakers use their boilermaking abilities to knock out the lights, then attack the Demon Deacons with an acetylene torch.

Purdue advances to the final.

FINAL

#15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers


The Gauchos have come pretty far since defeating Ohio State back in the first round. Purdue's been steady; a high seed that kept on keeping on, what with being (as far as I can tell) a train full of welders. It's an epic showdown with hammers and lassos and welding masks. I wasn't sure which way this was going to go upon first inspection. But then, the answer revealed itself. Nerdiness solves all problems.



That is El Gaucho. He's a member of a group called "Batmen of All Nations", a story that appeared in Detective Comics #215 and revisited during Grant Morrison's run on Batman. The Batmen of All Nations are various heroes from across the world inspired by Batman to fight crime locally. That solved it.

Batman (or in this case, a Batman analogue) always wins.

Your 2010 Murphspot Mascot Bracket Champions.

University of California - Santa Barbara Gauchos

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Elite Eight

#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #15 UCSB Gauchos


I've never been out west, really. Certainly not as far as either Nevada or California. I've always viewed that as somewhat of a personal failing; one which I intend to address as soon as I have enough disposable income to visit. The result is that I'm not sure I've ever met a UC Santa Barbara fan, and I've never met a UNLV fan. There's only one time I can clearly recall seeing someone wearing UNLV gear in the media. That one person? Chumlee.


If this guy isn't your personal hero, you're living your life incorrectly.

I'm not sure what it means that I managed to relate the mascot bracket to Pawn Stars. I think probably something terrible. Still, this sort of handicaps the Runnin' Rebels if there's an art appraisal portion to the competition. There isn't, but it's enough to shake my faith in UNLV and say that this one ends in an upset. UC Santa Barbara advances.

#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies


I feel like I should address the fact that Commodore isn't a rank in the United States Navy. It's a title, but it's not attached to a paygrade (they're senior Captains, but "Commodore" is no longer its own rank). It had its heyday before the Civil War, when Congress refused to authorize admirals. So that takes a measure of awesomeness away from Vanderbilt that even Lionel Richie might not be able to restore. Actually, he definitely won't be able to restore it. I'm not knocking "Hello", but the minute of Lionel Richie being a teacher is just unnecessary. Additionally, the Golden Grizzlies have the element of surprise. The Navy doesn't plan for Grizzlies. Not at sea, anyway. I imagine they would if they were stationed somewhere where there were bears.

Still, I'm saying that Oakland advances.

#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #2 West Virginia University Mountaineers


The Mountaineers have been skating along, able to kill pretty much at will because they've been going up against things that you could reasonably hunt. Not so with the Demon Deacons. I imagine this ends with the Deacons sitting the Mountaineers down to talk to them about ethics and how they've been living their lives, followed by the distant rumble of motorcycles as the Deacons' gang comes rolling in to take out the disarmed (both literally and emotionally) Mountaineers.

Wake Forest advances.

#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials


The problem with Colonials is that they're by definition living in the Colonial era, which means they'll be overwhelmed by the technology that the Boilermakers wield. They were also indirectly responsible, I expect, for a meal I had at about 4am in a small diner called the Colonial Inn just outside of New York City where they yelled at us for trying to order things that they had on the menu. The nerve. Plus, the Colonials would have had to rely on much slower means of transport than the Boilermakers, weakening their strategic position as communication between outposts takes weeks. Technology wins and Purdue advances

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Sweet Sixteen - East/South

#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #4 Wisconsin Badgers


When I decided that Wake Forest would make it past the first round, I thought the Demon Deacons would be knocked out relatively quickly. They've hung in there, and now they're going up against something from the Weasel family in a sweater. I guess it could give the Deacon rabies, but we've seen over and over that there's nothing more the Deacon likes to do than tool around on his motorcycle. The badger's roadkill, and I somehow managed to get through Wisconsin's tenure in the tournament without it devolving into just saying "Badger Badger" over and over until a snake shows up. Mushroom Mushroom.

Wake Forest advances.

#14 Montana Grizzlies vs. #2 West Virginia Mountaineers


I've been in enough houses with bear rugs to know the outcome of this one. The grizzlies had a good run, and I'm sorry to see them go, but if there's one thing the mountaineer has, it's guns. Lots and lots of guns. And occasionally some hunting permits. Sometimes.

West Virginia advances.

#8 California Golden Bears vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers


As well as bears were doing, they've been running into opponents they can't match up against. Whether it's the guy with the arc welder or a train that's been built onto a truck chassis, it's someone with superior weaponry or several thousand pounds of force behind it. Were they the California Titanium Bears, then maybe. As it stands? Purdue advances.

#3 Baylor Bears vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials


There were revolutionary era battlefields around the area where I grew up, and I think I would have been a lot more interested when we took trips to them in elementary school if there were at least one or two stories about the fort being overrun by bears. Hell, if that's what happened to Roanoke, I'm officially interested. Unfortunately, to my knowledge, none of that ever transpired. It's a shame. I'm going to assume it's because bears were terrified of the Colonials and their well known advanced anti-bear tactics. Robert Morris advances.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Sweet Sixteen - Midwest/West

#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #5 Michigan State Spartans


The Spartans get a lot of credit, but honestly, I'm not sure they have enough going for them to win this. They've got their spears and swords and shields, but they don't have a Smith & Wesson. The Runnin' Rebel presumably does. And the Spartans are led by Gerard Butler, which may have been intimidating if he weren't in every romantic comedy that comes out these days.

P.S. I'LL KILL YOU

Unfortunately for military city-states everywhere, the Spartans don't have enough to make it to the Elite Eight. UNLV advances.

#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #15 UCSB Gauchos


Well, Aztecs were in the southern part of Mexico, while gauchos are more associated with the Brazil, Argentina and Chile. If this were the Aztecs vs. the Charros (horsemen from mexico, not Charo, which would be terrifying, but not as relevant), it might have some weird political undertones. As it stands, we have a 15th century empire in Mesoamerica going up against what I've previously established as "Ninja Cowboys". This one goes to the Gauchos due to their superior weaponry and ability to disappear into the shadows. UCSB advances

#9 Florida State Seminoles vs. #4 Vanderbilt Commodores


Again with the making me uncomfortable with the inherent politics of the mascot bracket. But this is my lot in life, so I had better just get down to it. The Seminoles are one of the few NCAA teams to use their mascot with permission from the Seminole Tribe of Florida, which is nice. Still, the Commodores have cannons, subordinates and recorded "Brick House".

If this were the Murphspot Funk Bracket, this would be over already

Good luck getting that out of your head ever. Vanderbilt advances.

#14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies vs. #7 Brigham Young Cougars


These bear/large cat matchups are both entirely too common and still somehow pretty awesome. Given that I've already had the Golden Grizzlies beat the Panthers and have established them as sufficiently badass to take down P. concolor generally, but particularly if they're from Provo. Have you seen the flag Provo came up with?


This is the flag Provo came up with. Prrrovo!

Oakland advances.