2013 Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Final Four and Championship

#9 Missouri Tigers vs. #11 Belmont Bruins

I've been harping on Truman's over-earnest demeanor brow this entire time, and yet we're in the Final Four and he's still here.

Maybe I just like the idea of a mascot being named after a President who happened to be from the state, though not one who attended the University (as Harry Truman didn't have a college degree; I assume everything he needed to know, he learned in the hobo camps he slept in.)

I really do not want to know what one learns in hobo camps. I'm ok.

I am a little disappointed that they didn't restrict themselves to alumni, if only because we'd have a chance at the University of Missouri Fightin' Berengers.

I could have gone with Platoon Tom Berenger, but Major League Tom Berenger seems more fitting.

In the end, though, Bruiser just seems more determined, in addition to the fact that he's probably got a few hundred pounds on Truman and razor sharp claws.

Belmont advances.

#16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers vs. #5 UNLV Rebels

Hey Reb! gets points for being the only mascot in the bracket whose proper name includes punctuation. It makes him seem more dynamic, which builds on the whole "soul-consuming eyes" and "fire conjured from his fingertips" mythos that we've previously established.

He's also got a big ridiculous statue on the UNLV campus.

I'm not entirely sure how Hey Reb! sees things. Maybe he's like a Ringwraith, but with a hat instead of a ring and Las Vegas instead of the Realm of the Unseen

So he's durable. And yet, at the core, he's a frontiersman. He's looking to get to the top of the next hill to see what's on the other side.

Big Red's already on the top of the hill, with his Shin Guards of Madness and Surprisingly Slender Ankles. He's also three years older than Hey Reb! (Hey Reb! in 1982 in order to replace controversial Confederate symbology with a frontiersman, while Big Red was designed in 1979 in order to make life better.)

I don't know how this would go down, as the minds of mere mortals would be shattered upon actually watching this battle.

But in the end, only one can win.

Western Kentucky advances.

#11 Belmont Bruins vs. #16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

And now we come to the unstoppable force against the immovable object. Or, I guess, the immovable object against a bear. I've always been pretty big on making up the rules as I go along for this thing, so while some other brackets would have eliminated Big Red long ago for not being something that can fight to the death, he's finally made it to the Final.

I appreciate Bruiser's physicality. It's built into his name, and he seems more than willing to tear something limb from limb. But in the end, I really don't think it's enough to withstand the overwhelming and probably pathological Joy represented by a mascot who doesn't seem to mind all that much that the primary directive for his design was to make his head look like a hill, because the college is on a hill and hills are nice.

It's his year.

2013 Murphspot Mascot Bracket Champion

BIG RED - WESTERN KENTUCKY UNIVERSITY

Whee-hah.

Post Bracket Comment

I've been writing this bracket for six years, watching it get progressively longer and more ridiculous and never quite sure who's reading it. I enjoy it, and I hope that it makes at least a few of you laugh.It was sort of a goofy, though nowhere near original idea in 2008 (when the Xavier Musketeers won over the Cal State Fullerton Titans by virtue of having actually existed), and looking back on those entries, they were really, really short compared to what I've got going now, and I'm not sure which is better.

I'm never quite sure whether I should keep doing this each March/April, but then someone winds up asking me about it and I decide to go ahead again, so I hope this was to your liking. Mostly, I just wanted to thank whoever's reading this for reading. I'll hopefully continue updating with non-mascot bracket related personal blogging (which I've gotten away from in recent years), but I won't post that all over social media.

Also, my sister and her husband have a dog who looks like the Billiken, and now I'm kind of frightened of him.

The stuff of nightmares

2013 Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Sweet Sixteen - South/East

#16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers vs. #4 Michigan Wolverines

Wolverines have a reputation for ferocity, but I'm not sure how well just being ferocious is going to hold up against the screaming terror that is Big Red.

He's also got time for the occasional bit of solemn contemplation.

Part of the issue is that while they've got a team name, Michigan doesn't actually have a mascot. There's that wolverine from the 1920s who kept trying to kill his handlers (though, to be fair to the wolverine, we only really have the handlers' account of the whole thing), but even if we presume some sort of temporal anomaly that allows the Jazz Age wolverine to compete against Big Red, he'll be dazed by the advances in technology, commercial flight and the noted absence of Jelly Roll Morton.

Wolverine Blues, indeed.

I'm sure the wolverine would put up a fight, but Big Red abandoned fear when he donned the WKU lettering. I"m guessing he just swings his giant head open and tosses the wolverine in.

Western Kentucky advances.

#6 UCLA Bruins vs. #7 San Diego State Aztecs

I've been pretty emphatic in my belief that bears are basically monsters, and Joe Bruin is no different. He's three-quarters of a ton of claws and fury in light blue shorts, and I can't decide whether the shorts make him less intimidating (because it's a bear wearing shorts) or more intimidating (because he clearly doesn't care).

Fun fact: Brown bears are serially monogamous and are constantly doing this sort of nonsense.

Luckily for the Aztec, bears aren't really pack animals, because if they were humans would never have stuck around long enough to come up with college basketball. As the Aztec mascot exists as part of a standing army, he's got the ability to strategize and figure out how to take down a bear before it rips his head off. Atlatls, maybe, which I've read can be quite accurate. Most YouTube videos I've found regarding atlatls seem to throw that into question, but then again most of them are made by guys in Rockford who throw darts at stuff for fun.

Who am I kidding? I sort of want an atlatl now.

I'll assume the San Diego State Aztec is pretty good at things.

San Diego State advances.

#8 North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. #5 UNLV Rebels

Mr. and Mrs. Wuf are at least nominally part of a Wolfpack, but I also get the feeling they spend most of their time looking for yard sales and spoiling their grandkids. It's the sweaters and souvenir hats, I think.

If this were a competition about building models of tall ships, Mr. Wuf would win hands down.

On the other side of things, we've got Hey Reb, who will devour your soul in an unspeakably terrifying ceremony.

He just wants a hug! And to siphon all of your good memories!

Hey Reb also has a slightly less "buttoned-down surburbanite" vibe to him. More of a "lives in the middle of the desert and spends most of his time focused on his mustache, occasionally staggering into town to scream something about the Lizard Overlords Who Control Us All" sort of thing.

If this were the Murphspot Mascot Hat Bracket, Hey Reb would win convincingly. And why not.

UNLV advances.

#11 Bucknell Bison vs. #15 Pacific Tigers

I like Bucky the Bison. He's the size of a sedan, can move about as fast (if the sedan's in a residential neighborhood) and he seems genuinely pleased by the whole situation.

A little surprised, sure, but happy. Like he just found out he's going to a theme park.

Power Cat, on the other hand, has quickly become a grizzled veteran of the Mascot Bracket by virtue of the fact that he's been apparently designed to be grizzled.

The issue here is that I set out in the Rules at the beginning of this iteration of the bracket that Precedent Counts. As Power Cat has already taken care of the Colorado Buffalo, I'll have to apply the same result here, which leads me to regrettably take the Bison out of consideration. Which is a shame, because he had such a promising career as the head of a crime syndicate.

Pacific advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, Elite Eight

#5 Wichita Shockers vs. #10 Xavier Musketeers


I've already briefly lost my mind and decided that the Animated Wheat Abominations embodied by WuShock shouldn't be affected by gunfire, as projectiles would probably pass through them pretty easily. On the other hand, it's not as though wheat's got a lot of offensive capabilities. If wheat is going to kill a musketeer, it's going to have to either be incorporated into some sort of poisonous dish (preferably of the period most closely associated with the musketeers so that he'll eat it without suspicion) or by not being there for long enough that the Musketeer starves to death.

D'artagnan, on the other hand, was mostly concerned with actual combat but did, I'm guessing, have some sort of blade which could conceivably cut through wheat.

Xavier advances.


#1 Michigan State Spartans vs. #10 Virginia Cavaliers


This is turning out to be surprisingly human heavy near the end of the bracket. It makes sense from a "we have all the weapons, and occasionally the opponent is wheat, as though this is like the inverse of an after school nutrition special" point of view, but I'm worried this is merely highlighting some sort of underlying specieism I've been trying to think I've dealt with. It's probably more the weapons thing, though.

I could get into the differences in weaponry between 4th century BC Peleponnesians and 17th century frenchmen, but it's really more relevant to my interests to note that the Virginia Cavalier mascot (the unimaginatively named CavMan) has one of the few goatees in the tournament, and it's terrifying.

Cavman's only form of communication is maniacal laughter.

The Spartan mascot (Sparty) is more muscular, but lacks facial hair entirely. Also firearms.

Virginia advances.


#13 Montana Grizzlies vs. #3 Florida State Seminoles


There's another geographical disconnect here; grizzly bears tend to hang out in the northwest, and the Florida State Seminoles are pretty solidly centered in Florida. And the Seminoles have a fighting chance, as they've got weapons and have probably taken down a bear or two in their time. That'd be great if we were dealing with a standard bear, but we've previously established that Monte (following in the tradition of giving incredibly plain names to mascots) has both a motorcycle and a bandana.

Which, as we all know, universally signifies badassery.

I can't think of much that would stand up against a 700 pound grizzly bear flying around on a motorcycle, but I'm now going to live the rest of my life terrified that that is a thing that will happen.

Montana advances.


#1 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. #15 Detroit Titans


Rameses is great, and all, but when you get right down to it, he's an oversized ram with oddly yellow horns.

I'm concerned they might be indicative of some kind of health issue.

The "Tar Heel" thing seems to literally come from tar and pitch that were produced in North Carolina. There's a "standing their ground" implication that goes along with that, but honestly, I think speed and agility is going to be significantly more important, especially when going up against a deity. The Titans, as ever, have an uncomfortably wide smile and Bruce Campbell's chin.

Detroit advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Bracket, Round Two, West

#16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers vs. #9 Connecticut Huskies

I think I might have built Big Red up too much. He's somehow become, within the confines of the bracket, this bizarre amalgam of Elmo, the Kool-Aid man and an unspeakable Lovecraftian horror sent to drive the world into madness and despair.

That thigh-pocket? THAT'S WHERE HE KEEPS SOULS. 

Of course, it should go without saying that Big Red loves all animals large and small and would elect to not fight the Huskies unless it were absolutely necessary. It is, of course, and given that this competition isn't based on who can drag a sled through the Yukon most efficiently, I think Big Red's probably got the upper hand. I'm not going to say he'd definitely unhinge his giant floppy head and swallow the Huskies whole, but that's precisely what he'd do.

 Western Kentucky advances.


#5 Wichita State Shockers vs. #13 New Mexico State Aggies

I feel like Pistol Pete of the New Mexico State Aggies has gotten away from his agricultural roots. The much maligned Lasso Larry had a lasso, which at least alludes to him taking care of livestock and while pistols are great, I don’t know that they necessarily mean he’s taking care of business at the farm.

 He even missed this year’s International Irrigation Conference. What the hell, Pete. 

The Shockers, on the other hand, are fielding this Wheat Golem.

Now, I’ve never fought a field of wheat brought to life by whatever dark magic’s being employed in Wichita, but I’m going to go ahead and guess that bullets would go right through this guy without having much effect. Actually, that would make a good take on the zombie genre. An ever advancing horde of Wheat Elementals constantly closing in with no hope of being stopped, until the hero discovers that they’re only vulnerable to scythes to the head, but by that point most of his party’s been turned into wheat and what the hell am I writing?


Wichita State advances


#6 UNLV Rebels vs. #3 Baylor Bears

Hey Reb’s still got me traumatized, but damn if the man can’t grow a moustache.

Those eyes, though. Portals to the netherworld.

He doesn’t appear to have any weapons, though, and “Rebels” in this context refers to UNLV coming into its own apart from University of Nevada, Reno. That’s really the only way this could make sense, as Nevada was never part of the Confederacy. They were admitted to the Union in 1864, sure, and it turns out that UNLV did have a mascot in a Confederate uniform for a while as part of a convoluted attack on Reno, whose mascot wore a Union uniform, but people complained and it didn’t make sense, so we’ve got Hey Reb.

The thing, though, is that the Baylor Bear isn’t (as far as I can tell) from Reno, and without weapons, Hey Reb’s going to have a hell of a time fighting off a bear.


Baylor advances.


#10 Xavier Musketeers vs. #15 Lehigh Mountain Hawks

I don’t want to get into a debate about the relative merits of the Royal Household Guard of Louis XIII versus other military units. There was a time in my life where that would have been appropriate, but that’s long past and also I have no idea what I’m talking about in that regard.

Not that that’s stopped me so far.

As much as I like the Mountain Hawks, the problem here is that they’re really only going to be able to dive in and attack from above and, honestly I think the Musketeer’s wide-brimmed hat is going to impede the efficacy of that. Also, he’s got a feather.

The man lives to shoot birds out of the sky. 

 Sorry, Lehigh.


Xavier advances

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, Midwest, Round One, Part Two

#6 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #11 North Carolina State Wolfpack

At first glance, this seems to be a classic matchup pitting man against beast and could actually be a sporting match, as the Aztec mascot’s got a shield and spear, as opposed to, say, a Howitzer.

And North Carolina State specifies that it’s a wolfpack, and if this is going to be an entire pack fighting one Aztec Warrior, it’ll be a struggle. On the other hand, the mascots for North Carolina State are Mr. and Mrs. Wuf.

 

This is where we’re starting.

They apparently get married on occasion by the Wake Forest Demon Deacon who appears to hold standing in North Carolina to serve as a wedding officiant and who sadly isn’t in the bracket this year (I’ll assume he’s riding across the American Southwest and writing a memoir). I’m not going to hold that against them, but I am going to hold that little hat against Mr. Wuf.

Listen, I get it. You’re a mascot, you’ve been around for a while and your wardrobe was picked out in the 30’s, but this is severely limiting my ability to pick NC State.

The Aztec Warrior headgear, on the other hand, is awesome.

Maybe this is the Murphspot Hat Bracket after all.  

San Diego State advances.

#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #14 Belmont Bruins

I should go back through my brackets and see if I’ve ever advanced Georgetown through the first round. They’re named after their cheer (“Hoya Saxa”) which is Greek and Latin and irrelevant in a Mascot Bracket. They’ve got Jack the Bulldog, who is a bulldog.

The Bruins have the advantage of being brown bears, who historically have done very well in Murphspot Mascot Brackets. And Ray Bourque.

This isn’t even a competition. Jack’s adorable and all, but he’s also, what, 60 pounds on the high end? And he doesn’t have ridiculous claws?

Yeah.

Belmont advances

#7 Saint Mary’s Gaels vs. #10 Purdue Boilermakers

Oh, man am I sad it’s taken this long to get to Gael Force One.  

Look at this. 

That’s a ten foot tall knight who’s apparently made of mylar. That’s just great. Not terribly effective on the battlefield, but a fantastic use of inflatables technology. Actually, Gael Force One (who seems to be named by splitting the difference between Gaels, gale force winds and Air Force One) might have been useful for demoralizing an enemy, so long as they don’t have the ability to shoot projectiles at it.

Purdue, on the other hand, is a train, which (in the limited number of Westerns I’ve actually watched) seems to be pretty hard to actually stop. Presuming Gael Force One has to stay on the tracks (or if the Purdue Boilermaker is some manner of magical train that can travel without rails, which I guess is really just a truck and hence not very magical), this is going to end with a collision and a blow up knight bouncing ninety feet into the air.

And that is how you get a parade started.  

Purdue advances.  

#2 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #15 Detroit Titans

And we’re at the all-mythical matchup. Jayhawks were Abolitionists who associated themselves with John Jay, which has somehow come to be personified in Big Jay, a giant blue bird with shoes.

Actually, the shoes were added by the guy who was designing the mascot specifically so that it could kick opponents, which is pretty awesome and hints that they knew, a century in advance, that some guy in Chicago would be writing a series of posts about mascots actually fighting each other.

The Titans, on the other hand, are presumably huge deities who preceded the Olympians. The Titans’ mascot does nothing to dissuade this.

His expression only works if his head is tilted back, and he’s constantly saying “Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

As noble as the cause of the Jayhawks is, they’re not Zeus and so they’re likely going to have some issues with the sword-and-shield wielding God of Foam Rubber.  

Detroit advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - West, Round One, Part One

Quick note: The remaining first round sets will be split to avoid ludicrously long posts. And so I can sleep.

#1 Michigan State Spartans vs. #16 LIU Blackbirds
I think I’ve gotten to the point where I can hear “Spartan” and not have Gerard Butler be the only thing that comes to mind. I think that’s probably the romantic comedies at work; my Peloponnesian history isn’t what it should be, so I don’t know exactly how ancient Spartans would have responded to The Bounty Hunter, but I have to assume it wouldn’t have been pretty.

Spartan McNulty is displeased.

The Blackbirds, on the other hand, probably aren’t going to fare well against a guy with a sword wearing a cuirass. They’re fine as something for Paul McCartney to sing about, and seem to be pretty good at pestering Jon Snow for corn, but against an actual military unit, I’m afraid that the birds aren’t going to fare well.


Yes, I’m sorry. It’s ok. You can be even more dour now.


Michigan State advances.

#8 Memphis Tigers vs. #9 Saint Louis Billikens





So that’s a Billiken, then. I was really worried that I was missing something really basic about what in the world this is supposed to be, but Introduction to Charm Doll Fads of the Early 1900s That Appeared In the Dreams of an Art Teacher wasn’t required for my major, so it’s an area in which I know I’m deficient. It’s evidently a good luck… thing, which is good as something tells me that if the Billiken deems it, things can go south in a hurry. Then suddenly the Brady Bunch has to go back to St. Louis to return the Billiken because Bobby can’t leave well enough alone and it turns into a weird parable about how we have to care for and preserve St. Louis.

The Tigers are Tigers, I guess, but for some reason I assume the Billiken’s got anti-Tiger powers. Which would actually explain the 2006 World Series, so let’s run with that.

Saint Louis advances.

#5 New Mexico Lobos vs. #12 Long Beach State 49ers

We could sit here and debate the positives and the negatives of the California Gold Rush, but we won’t, because I don’t feel like reading enough about it to have a strong opinion one way or the other. I am relatively certain that Long Beach wasn’t involved in any actual gold rushing.

The Lobos, on the other hand have, presumably, Lobo.


This is what Glenn Danzig sees when he looks in the mirror.

I’m not sure what the 49ers have in the way of weaponry (Gold pans? Sieves? Maybe a pickaxe?), but I’m pretty sure that whatever it is, it won’t quite match up to the 1990s distilled into a single ridiculous character.

New Mexico advances.

#4 Louisville Cardinals vs. #13 Davidson Wildcats

I’ve already dealt with both Cardinals and Wildcats, and neither is terribly threatening. The Louisville Cardinal (somewhat disappointingly just named “Cardinal Bird”) has teeth, which is starting to make me think I’m wrong and that cardinals have teeth. I don’t think they do, but it’s such a consistent feature that it’s unsettling.



I don’t feel cheer from Cardinal Bird. I feel like I’ve wronged him.

The Wildcats, on the other hand, have this big grey thing with whiskers and detached cheeks? Or something? Gills? It does have little tufts of hair coming out of the tops of its ears, which makes me think they’re going for some kind of lynx, but frankly, I’m just sort of confused.



Deciding between the two entirely on which one I wouldn’t want to have cut off in traffic, I’ll have to give this to Cardinal Bird. He’s got a lot of anger, and I think that probably is the deciding factor in this.

Louisville advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, South, Round One

#1 Kentucky Wildcats vs. #16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

You know, I think I've probably been a little rough on Wildcats over the past few years. I'd been running with the "thing that's the same size as a domestic cat and mostly only tries to kill things smaller than it" definition without even considering the Lynx, which is at least somewhat larger, or the Bobcat. Or professional wrestler Wildcat Chris Harris. All completely legitimate interpretations, and there's really no excuse for having excluded those as possibilities to this point.


I’ll just stay over here, thanks. No. It’s not you. It’s me.

On the other hand, no matter what definition of wildcat I'm running with (like, say, the 1986 Goldie Hawn vehicle that was apparently the debut of Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson), the sad truth of the matter is that this wildcat had the poor fortune to run into Western Kentucky and I'm unreasonably excited about Big Red being back in the tournament. Big Red seems to be larger than most of the actual cats, and so probably wouldn't be targeted as prey and that professional wrestler I just found out exists is still a mere mortal. He'll have to sleep at some point, which is when I imagine Big Red will bound joyfully from the shadows to put this match to an end.

Western Kentucky advances

#8 Iowa State Cyclones vs. #9 Connecticut Huskies

Huskies are great. They're big, energetic dogs and I get the feeling that if I ever found myself in the arctic wilderness with a sled and a pack of huskies, I would die immediately because I am utterly clueless about how to handle that situation and they'd run away to safety, but they probably wouldn't be too condescending about the whole experience.

Really, it's remarkable that there exist a number of sports which amount to "tie dogs to mode of transit and have them run", if only for the jargon. Take the opening sentence from the Wikipedia article on "Bikejoring".

"Bikejoring is a dog mushing activity related to skijoring, canicross, and dog scootering."

Oh! Of course! Just like canicross and dog scootering. I'm glad we're all on the same page.

Cyclones, on the other hand, are a destructive force of nature. I was considering counting them out simply because of the recent tornado outbreak that's actually caused a lot of damage across the midwest because tornadoes can go to hell, but wasn't sure how to work around that if this is supposed to be mascot combat.

The solution is somehow a bird with teeth.

That’s where we are as a society.


Happily, Iowa State did that for me, because despite being named the Cyclones, their mascot is a Cardinal named Cy, who's apparently won some National Mascot Awards in a world where that is a thing that exists. As discussed previously, cardinals are certainly not a force of nature. They eat seeds. They're occasionally loud. They're easy to distinguish from the background. If it's mascot vs. mascot, Jonathan the Husky takes this in a walk.

Connecticut advances.

#12 Virginia Commonwealth Rams vs. #5 Wichita State Shockers
I like that after five years of doing this, I’m still finding mascots where I’ve got no idea what the hell they are. The Shockers were last in the tournament in 2006, just before I started doing this, and I’m woefully underprepared with regards to the Missouri Valley Conference. And so here we are.

Apparently, “Shockers” refers to early students shocking the wheat fields, which is what you call harvesting wheat fields if you’re a late 90’s Mountain Dew commercial. I’m going to assume WuShock has got some sort of electrical powers, like a second rate, more wheat-centric Black Lightning.


Black Lightning’s also got much better lapels.

The Rams seem a little mundane in comparison. Sure, they’ve got the big horns and the standing around and chewing grass (though I’m sure they might chew wheat if they had to), and I guess I could twist things around to construe them as some sort of battering ram, but I have no idea what Wichita has in the way of fortified city walls. I do know that I’ll jump on any chance to post a Toasters song.


Wichita State advances.

#4 Indiana Hoosiers vs. #13 New Mexico State Aggies

Good on New Mexico State for actually having a character to go along with the ever-present “Aggie” nickname. Sure, he’s got a jaunty vest and he makes me feel a little like I might have cheated him at poker without realizing it, but he’s present and I don’t have to make up some nonsense about the relative merits of students of Agricultural and Mechanical Colleges.



And what a moustache.

Hoosiers, as ever, are residents of Indiana. For the purposes of this matchup, let’s assume that’s Red Skelton. Now, Vaudevillians are frightening, but look at this. Does this look like the face of someone who’s going to deal well with Tom Selleck, New Mexico Ranger?



I sort of want to make the guy a pie.

Yeah, unarmed Red Skelton isn’t going to fair well here.

New Mexico State advances

#6 UNLV Rebels vs. #11 Colorado Buffaloes

I thought, when I was first looking through the bracket, that this wouldn’t really be a matter of who would win, but how accurate of a shot Hey Reb is behind his awesome, possibly sentient moustache. And then I finally got around to looking up what the actual mascot looks like.



Oh hey, it’s the last thing you see before you die. Terrific.


I’m not sure whether it’s the soulless eyes, or the barely visible yet still threatening teeth, or the goalie gloves. The moustache and hat don’t even come into it. There’s only one true response to Hey Reb. And that is to run as fast as you can. I’m sorry Buffaloes. It’s you or me, and I’ve got matchups to write.

UNLV advances

#3 Baylor Bears vs. #14 South Dakota State Jackrabbits
Interesting choice by South Dakota State, loading up on dexterity and putting basically nothing into strength. I guess the goal here would be to stay the hell away from the Baylor Bear until he gets bored and wanders into an active minefield just to feel alive.

The Jackrabbits do appeal to me, not because I’ve ever been to South Dakota, but in that I’m going to presume they were named in tribute to the wooden coaster at Kennywood. But even there, it winds up playing it too safe. Sure, it’s got the lift hill in the middle of the ride and a double dip (without which it’d be a even more toned down version of Racer without the Racing), but if this were a matchup between the Baylor Bears and the South Dakota State Thunderbolts, we’d have a matchup both in the Vengance of Zeus sense and the “Liable to cause internal injuries if you’re sitting on the wrong side” sense. Sadly, that’s not what we’ve got here, and there’s no way a straight up Jackrabbit/Bear fight ends in anything but calls to the next of kin of the rabbit.

Baylor advances.

#7 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #10 Xavier Musketeers

So the Xavier mascot is this guy.

He’s not actually cheerleading here. He’s just trying to tell anyone who will listen about the great deal he got on those boots.

As far as big foam rubber humans go, that’s actually pretty mild. He’s got puffy sleeves and a big goofy goatee, and he seems to be a French musketeer, which is a shame because the Xavier Redcoats would have filled this matchup with unintended political overtones. Presumably, the guy was selected from a pool of potential musketeers for his prowess in musketing, which is a hard field to get into but pays off with great benefits and the ability to wear culottes in public without getting harassed over it. The Fighting Irish on the other hand, have gone with a leprechaun instead of, say, a big, foam rubber Charles Stewart Parnell. Sure, he’s got that shillelagh, but the musketeer by definition has a musket, and I don’t know if a leprechaun’s abilities include being able to bat musket balls out of the air.

I don’t think that’s part of the package.

Xavier advances

#2 Duke Blue Devils vs. #15 Lehigh Mountain Hawks

And we’ve reached the part of the year where I don’t know what the hell to do with Duke. They’re either Australian flowers, French mountain infantry, a jazz band from Oklahoma or depression. Only one of those has any actual combat training, and that one (regretfully) isn’t the one that Count Basie used to be involved with. Mountain Hawks, as near as I can tell, are eagles native to the Indian subcontinent, which isn’t near Bethlehem, PA, but at least they’ve got the decency to be one easily identifiable thing.

They’re also called “Hodgson’s Hawk-Eagle”, which makes me think Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot might be involved, which fills me with glee.

Joel Hodgson, Benevolent Dictator

Just for that, actually, and because there’s a (slight) possibility that the Blue Devils might be a flower, Lehigh advances.