Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket: Final Four and Championship

#10 Xavier Musketeers vs. #10 Virginia Cavaliers

Oh damn,  you guys. Not only do we finally have two human mascots going up against one another, and not only are they both at least presumed to have some sort of elite military training, but they both represent very specific factions serving close to their king at the same point in history. Roughly!

The Musketeers of the Guard (Mousquetaires de la garde!) were formed under Louis XIII in 1622 and spent most of their time protecting nobles, shooting things (nominally in the name of protecting nobles, but I’m sure that there was a 17^th century French equivalent of canned goods on a fence at some point) and waiting around for Alexandre Dumas to be born so that their story could eventually be romanticized, and then summarized by Wishbone.

Caution: If you actually ask Wishbone “What’s the story?”, he will cut you.

The Cavaliers, on the other hand were the loyalist component of the English Civil War, starting in 1642 and hung around through Oliver Cromwell’s rule and the Restoration of the Monarchy. They both had their own military problems to be concerned with (the Musketeers with trying to make sure the Huguenots didn’t kill the king; the Cavaliers fighting a civil war), so it’s difficult to say how they’d have done actually fighting each other. The Musketeers lose on numbers, but win on fancy hats and keeping kings alive (Louis XIII died of tuberculosis, and Louis XIV was a king for longer than anyone’s ever been a king in Europe). The Cavaliers had that period where the kings they supported were executed, but did mount a come-from-behind victory in that the Monarchy did show back up again.

I’d say this comes down to overwhelming force against a smaller, though better trained opponent, but honestly I keep reading “Musketeer” as “Mouseketeer” and I’m not going to make it to the end of this post if that keeps happening. So overwhelming force takes it.

Virginia advances.

#13 Montana grizzlies vs. #15 Detroit Titans

The Grizzlies have gotten here mostly by virtue of being 700 pounds and having razor sharp claws and murder in their hearts, along with a little help from the fact that Monte the Grizzly in particular rides a motorcycle and wears a bandana and is probably eventually going to be the subject of a critically well-received drama on FX. There’s a problem that comes up when your main advantage is size, though, and that’s when your opponent is something that serves as the base of synonyms for “really, really big”. 

 Oh dear.

The grizzlies have the advantage over most mortal things that aren’t several hundred pounds, but the Titans don’t exactly go down easily. Hell, it apparently takes a whole new set of gods to come in, which only really serves to imprison the Titans, and even then, you’ve got myths wherein Zeus overthrows Cronus by getting him drunk and putting him in a cave.

There’s simply no way a grizzly bear is walking out of that alive.

Detroit advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket Championship

#10 Virginia Cavaliers vs. #15 Detroit Titans

 So we've established that the Titans are somewhere between a ridiculous man with a ridiculous smile in ridiculous armor and powerful (though explicitly not omnipotent) deities. The Cavaliers had, well, horses. And swords. And their own creepy smile. And a reputation for drinking and carousing and having plumed hats, which I sympathize with. Basically all they've got on the Titans is that the Cavaliers existed, whereas the Titans didn't, except as a moon of Saturn (or moons, if we're counting things named after individual Titans as part of that set).

Even there, we're conflicted. Titan's got an atmosphere, but it's got sort of a yellow haze to it. There are oceans, but they're made of methane. There might be microbial life, but that's not terribly threatening unless we're going to give the Cavalier some sort of terrible infection. 

And while, as I mentioned, the Titans are powerful, they also have a history of failing pretty hard. I'm not sure whether the Cavaliers have Zeus' contact information, or if they've got the ability to summon an iceberg, but it's not as though the Titans are unstoppable. It's merely really hard.

What it really comes down to is the interaction between a guy with a horse, a sword, and a rifle and a Titan with a tendency to be overthrown. I'm not finding a lot about human-Titan interactions in myth, and the Titan that keeps popping up is Prometheus, who would probably have just handed the victory to the Cavalier and then gotten tortured for it. 

 Honestly, I think that's it. I'm going to say that Tommy Titan is merciful toward CavMan and allows him the victory, based solely on his humanity and his facial hair. Tommy Titan will be OK. Clint Eastwood will make a commercial for him.

This may have been unduly influenced by hat plumage.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Champion

 

The Virginia Cavaliers.

 

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, Midwest, Round One, Part Two

#6 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #11 North Carolina State Wolfpack

At first glance, this seems to be a classic matchup pitting man against beast and could actually be a sporting match, as the Aztec mascot’s got a shield and spear, as opposed to, say, a Howitzer.

And North Carolina State specifies that it’s a wolfpack, and if this is going to be an entire pack fighting one Aztec Warrior, it’ll be a struggle. On the other hand, the mascots for North Carolina State are Mr. and Mrs. Wuf.

 

This is where we’re starting.

They apparently get married on occasion by the Wake Forest Demon Deacon who appears to hold standing in North Carolina to serve as a wedding officiant and who sadly isn’t in the bracket this year (I’ll assume he’s riding across the American Southwest and writing a memoir). I’m not going to hold that against them, but I am going to hold that little hat against Mr. Wuf.

Listen, I get it. You’re a mascot, you’ve been around for a while and your wardrobe was picked out in the 30’s, but this is severely limiting my ability to pick NC State.

The Aztec Warrior headgear, on the other hand, is awesome.

Maybe this is the Murphspot Hat Bracket after all.  

San Diego State advances.

#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #14 Belmont Bruins

I should go back through my brackets and see if I’ve ever advanced Georgetown through the first round. They’re named after their cheer (“Hoya Saxa”) which is Greek and Latin and irrelevant in a Mascot Bracket. They’ve got Jack the Bulldog, who is a bulldog.

The Bruins have the advantage of being brown bears, who historically have done very well in Murphspot Mascot Brackets. And Ray Bourque.

This isn’t even a competition. Jack’s adorable and all, but he’s also, what, 60 pounds on the high end? And he doesn’t have ridiculous claws?

Yeah.

Belmont advances

#7 Saint Mary’s Gaels vs. #10 Purdue Boilermakers

Oh, man am I sad it’s taken this long to get to Gael Force One.  

Look at this. 

That’s a ten foot tall knight who’s apparently made of mylar. That’s just great. Not terribly effective on the battlefield, but a fantastic use of inflatables technology. Actually, Gael Force One (who seems to be named by splitting the difference between Gaels, gale force winds and Air Force One) might have been useful for demoralizing an enemy, so long as they don’t have the ability to shoot projectiles at it.

Purdue, on the other hand, is a train, which (in the limited number of Westerns I’ve actually watched) seems to be pretty hard to actually stop. Presuming Gael Force One has to stay on the tracks (or if the Purdue Boilermaker is some manner of magical train that can travel without rails, which I guess is really just a truck and hence not very magical), this is going to end with a collision and a blow up knight bouncing ninety feet into the air.

And that is how you get a parade started.  

Purdue advances.  

#2 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #15 Detroit Titans

And we’re at the all-mythical matchup. Jayhawks were Abolitionists who associated themselves with John Jay, which has somehow come to be personified in Big Jay, a giant blue bird with shoes.

Actually, the shoes were added by the guy who was designing the mascot specifically so that it could kick opponents, which is pretty awesome and hints that they knew, a century in advance, that some guy in Chicago would be writing a series of posts about mascots actually fighting each other.

The Titans, on the other hand, are presumably huge deities who preceded the Olympians. The Titans’ mascot does nothing to dissuade this.

His expression only works if his head is tilted back, and he’s constantly saying “Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

As noble as the cause of the Jayhawks is, they’re not Zeus and so they’re likely going to have some issues with the sword-and-shield wielding God of Foam Rubber.  

Detroit advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, South, Round One

#1 Kentucky Wildcats vs. #16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

You know, I think I've probably been a little rough on Wildcats over the past few years. I'd been running with the "thing that's the same size as a domestic cat and mostly only tries to kill things smaller than it" definition without even considering the Lynx, which is at least somewhat larger, or the Bobcat. Or professional wrestler Wildcat Chris Harris. All completely legitimate interpretations, and there's really no excuse for having excluded those as possibilities to this point.


I’ll just stay over here, thanks. No. It’s not you. It’s me.

On the other hand, no matter what definition of wildcat I'm running with (like, say, the 1986 Goldie Hawn vehicle that was apparently the debut of Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson), the sad truth of the matter is that this wildcat had the poor fortune to run into Western Kentucky and I'm unreasonably excited about Big Red being back in the tournament. Big Red seems to be larger than most of the actual cats, and so probably wouldn't be targeted as prey and that professional wrestler I just found out exists is still a mere mortal. He'll have to sleep at some point, which is when I imagine Big Red will bound joyfully from the shadows to put this match to an end.

Western Kentucky advances

#8 Iowa State Cyclones vs. #9 Connecticut Huskies

Huskies are great. They're big, energetic dogs and I get the feeling that if I ever found myself in the arctic wilderness with a sled and a pack of huskies, I would die immediately because I am utterly clueless about how to handle that situation and they'd run away to safety, but they probably wouldn't be too condescending about the whole experience.

Really, it's remarkable that there exist a number of sports which amount to "tie dogs to mode of transit and have them run", if only for the jargon. Take the opening sentence from the Wikipedia article on "Bikejoring".

"Bikejoring is a dog mushing activity related to skijoring, canicross, and dog scootering."

Oh! Of course! Just like canicross and dog scootering. I'm glad we're all on the same page.

Cyclones, on the other hand, are a destructive force of nature. I was considering counting them out simply because of the recent tornado outbreak that's actually caused a lot of damage across the midwest because tornadoes can go to hell, but wasn't sure how to work around that if this is supposed to be mascot combat.

The solution is somehow a bird with teeth.

That’s where we are as a society.


Happily, Iowa State did that for me, because despite being named the Cyclones, their mascot is a Cardinal named Cy, who's apparently won some National Mascot Awards in a world where that is a thing that exists. As discussed previously, cardinals are certainly not a force of nature. They eat seeds. They're occasionally loud. They're easy to distinguish from the background. If it's mascot vs. mascot, Jonathan the Husky takes this in a walk.

Connecticut advances.

#12 Virginia Commonwealth Rams vs. #5 Wichita State Shockers
I like that after five years of doing this, I’m still finding mascots where I’ve got no idea what the hell they are. The Shockers were last in the tournament in 2006, just before I started doing this, and I’m woefully underprepared with regards to the Missouri Valley Conference. And so here we are.

Apparently, “Shockers” refers to early students shocking the wheat fields, which is what you call harvesting wheat fields if you’re a late 90’s Mountain Dew commercial. I’m going to assume WuShock has got some sort of electrical powers, like a second rate, more wheat-centric Black Lightning.


Black Lightning’s also got much better lapels.

The Rams seem a little mundane in comparison. Sure, they’ve got the big horns and the standing around and chewing grass (though I’m sure they might chew wheat if they had to), and I guess I could twist things around to construe them as some sort of battering ram, but I have no idea what Wichita has in the way of fortified city walls. I do know that I’ll jump on any chance to post a Toasters song.


Wichita State advances.

#4 Indiana Hoosiers vs. #13 New Mexico State Aggies

Good on New Mexico State for actually having a character to go along with the ever-present “Aggie” nickname. Sure, he’s got a jaunty vest and he makes me feel a little like I might have cheated him at poker without realizing it, but he’s present and I don’t have to make up some nonsense about the relative merits of students of Agricultural and Mechanical Colleges.



And what a moustache.

Hoosiers, as ever, are residents of Indiana. For the purposes of this matchup, let’s assume that’s Red Skelton. Now, Vaudevillians are frightening, but look at this. Does this look like the face of someone who’s going to deal well with Tom Selleck, New Mexico Ranger?



I sort of want to make the guy a pie.

Yeah, unarmed Red Skelton isn’t going to fair well here.

New Mexico State advances

#6 UNLV Rebels vs. #11 Colorado Buffaloes

I thought, when I was first looking through the bracket, that this wouldn’t really be a matter of who would win, but how accurate of a shot Hey Reb is behind his awesome, possibly sentient moustache. And then I finally got around to looking up what the actual mascot looks like.



Oh hey, it’s the last thing you see before you die. Terrific.


I’m not sure whether it’s the soulless eyes, or the barely visible yet still threatening teeth, or the goalie gloves. The moustache and hat don’t even come into it. There’s only one true response to Hey Reb. And that is to run as fast as you can. I’m sorry Buffaloes. It’s you or me, and I’ve got matchups to write.

UNLV advances

#3 Baylor Bears vs. #14 South Dakota State Jackrabbits
Interesting choice by South Dakota State, loading up on dexterity and putting basically nothing into strength. I guess the goal here would be to stay the hell away from the Baylor Bear until he gets bored and wanders into an active minefield just to feel alive.

The Jackrabbits do appeal to me, not because I’ve ever been to South Dakota, but in that I’m going to presume they were named in tribute to the wooden coaster at Kennywood. But even there, it winds up playing it too safe. Sure, it’s got the lift hill in the middle of the ride and a double dip (without which it’d be a even more toned down version of Racer without the Racing), but if this were a matchup between the Baylor Bears and the South Dakota State Thunderbolts, we’d have a matchup both in the Vengance of Zeus sense and the “Liable to cause internal injuries if you’re sitting on the wrong side” sense. Sadly, that’s not what we’ve got here, and there’s no way a straight up Jackrabbit/Bear fight ends in anything but calls to the next of kin of the rabbit.

Baylor advances.

#7 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #10 Xavier Musketeers

So the Xavier mascot is this guy.

He’s not actually cheerleading here. He’s just trying to tell anyone who will listen about the great deal he got on those boots.

As far as big foam rubber humans go, that’s actually pretty mild. He’s got puffy sleeves and a big goofy goatee, and he seems to be a French musketeer, which is a shame because the Xavier Redcoats would have filled this matchup with unintended political overtones. Presumably, the guy was selected from a pool of potential musketeers for his prowess in musketing, which is a hard field to get into but pays off with great benefits and the ability to wear culottes in public without getting harassed over it. The Fighting Irish on the other hand, have gone with a leprechaun instead of, say, a big, foam rubber Charles Stewart Parnell. Sure, he’s got that shillelagh, but the musketeer by definition has a musket, and I don’t know if a leprechaun’s abilities include being able to bat musket balls out of the air.

I don’t think that’s part of the package.

Xavier advances

#2 Duke Blue Devils vs. #15 Lehigh Mountain Hawks

And we’ve reached the part of the year where I don’t know what the hell to do with Duke. They’re either Australian flowers, French mountain infantry, a jazz band from Oklahoma or depression. Only one of those has any actual combat training, and that one (regretfully) isn’t the one that Count Basie used to be involved with. Mountain Hawks, as near as I can tell, are eagles native to the Indian subcontinent, which isn’t near Bethlehem, PA, but at least they’ve got the decency to be one easily identifiable thing.

They’re also called “Hodgson’s Hawk-Eagle”, which makes me think Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot might be involved, which fills me with glee.

Joel Hodgson, Benevolent Dictator

Just for that, actually, and because there’s a (slight) possibility that the Blue Devils might be a flower, Lehigh advances.