Monday, April 02, 2012

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, Elite Eight

#5 Wichita Shockers vs. #10 Xavier Musketeers

I've already briefly lost my mind and decided that the Animated Wheat Abominations embodied by WuShock shouldn't be affected by gunfire, as projectiles would probably pass through them pretty easily. On the other hand, it's not as though wheat's got a lot of offensive capabilities. If wheat is going to kill a musketeer, it's going to have to either be incorporated into some sort of poisonous dish (preferably of the period most closely associated with the musketeers so that he'll eat it without suspicion) or by not being there for long enough that the Musketeer starves to death.

D'artagnan, on the other hand, was mostly concerned with actual combat but did, I'm guessing, have some sort of blade which could conceivably cut through wheat.

Xavier advances.

#1 Michigan State Spartans vs. #10 Virginia Cavaliers

This is turning out to be surprisingly human heavy near the end of the bracket. It makes sense from a "we have all the weapons, and occasionally the opponent is wheat, as though this is like the inverse of an after school nutrition special" point of view, but I'm worried this is merely highlighting some sort of underlying specieism I've been trying to think I've dealt with. It's probably more the weapons thing, though.

I could get into the differences in weaponry between 4th century BC Peleponnesians and 17th century frenchmen, but it's really more relevant to my interests to note that the Virginia Cavalier mascot (the unimaginatively named CavMan) has one of the few goatees in the tournament, and it's terrifying.

Cavman's only form of communication is maniacal laughter.

The Spartan mascot (Sparty) is more muscular, but lacks facial hair entirely. Also firearms.

Virginia advances.

#13 Montana Grizzlies vs. #3 Florida State Seminoles

There's another geographical disconnect here; grizzly bears tend to hang out in the northwest, and the Florida State Seminoles are pretty solidly centered in Florida. And the Seminoles have a fighting chance, as they've got weapons and have probably taken down a bear or two in their time. That'd be great if we were dealing with a standard bear, but we've previously established that Monte (following in the tradition of giving incredibly plain names to mascots) has both a motorcycle and a bandana.

Which, as we all know, universally signifies badassery.

I can't think of much that would stand up against a 700 pound grizzly bear flying around on a motorcycle, but I'm now going to live the rest of my life terrified that that is a thing that will happen.

Montana advances.

#1 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. #15 Detroit Titans

Rameses is great, and all, but when you get right down to it, he's an oversized ram with oddly yellow horns.

I'm concerned they might be indicative of some kind of health issue.

The "Tar Heel" thing seems to literally come from tar and pitch that were produced in North Carolina. There's a "standing their ground" implication that goes along with that, but honestly, I think speed and agility is going to be significantly more important, especially when going up against a deity. The Titans, as ever, have an uncomfortably wide smile and Bruce Campbell's chin.

Detroit advances.

No comments: