I think I might have built Big Red up too much. He's somehow become, within the confines of the bracket, this bizarre amalgam of Elmo, the Kool-Aid man and an unspeakable Lovecraftian horror sent to drive the world into madness and despair.
That thigh-pocket? THAT'S WHERE HE KEEPS SOULS.
Of course, it should go without saying that Big Red loves all animals large and small and would elect to not fight the Huskies unless it were absolutely necessary. It is, of course, and given that this competition isn't based on who can drag a sled through the Yukon most efficiently, I think Big Red's probably got the upper hand. I'm not going to say he'd definitely unhinge his giant floppy head and swallow the Huskies whole, but that's precisely what he'd do.
Western Kentucky advances.
#5 Wichita State Shockers vs. #13 New Mexico State Aggies
I feel like Pistol Pete of the New Mexico State Aggies has gotten away from his agricultural roots. The much maligned Lasso Larry had a lasso, which at least alludes to him taking care of livestock and while pistols are great, I don’t know that they necessarily mean he’s taking care of business at the farm.
He even missed this year’s International Irrigation Conference. What the hell, Pete.
Now, I’ve never fought a field of wheat brought to life by whatever dark magic’s being employed in Wichita, but I’m going to go ahead and guess that bullets would go right through this guy without having much effect. Actually, that would make a good take on the zombie genre. An ever advancing horde of Wheat Elementals constantly closing in with no hope of being stopped, until the hero discovers that they’re only vulnerable to scythes to the head, but by that point most of his party’s been turned into wheat and what the hell am I writing?
Wichita State advances
#6 UNLV Rebels vs. #3 Baylor Bears
Hey Reb’s still got me traumatized, but damn if the man can’t grow a moustache.
Those eyes, though. Portals to the netherworld.
He doesn’t appear to have any weapons, though, and “Rebels” in this context refers to UNLV coming into its own apart from University of Nevada, Reno. That’s really the only way this could make sense, as Nevada was never part of the Confederacy. They were admitted to the Union in 1864, sure, and it turns out that UNLV did have a mascot in a Confederate uniform for a while as part of a convoluted attack on Reno, whose mascot wore a Union uniform, but people complained and it didn’t make sense, so we’ve got Hey Reb.
The thing, though, is that the Baylor Bear isn’t (as far as I can tell) from Reno, and without weapons, Hey Reb’s going to have a hell of a time fighting off a bear.
#10 Xavier Musketeers vs. #15 Lehigh Mountain Hawks
I don’t want to get into a debate about the relative merits of the Royal Household Guard of Louis XIII versus other military units. There was a time in my life where that would have been appropriate, but that’s long past and also I have no idea what I’m talking about in that regard.
Not that that’s stopped me so far.
As much as I like the Mountain Hawks, the problem here is that they’re really only going to be able to dive in and attack from above and, honestly I think the Musketeer’s wide-brimmed hat is going to impede the efficacy of that. Also, he’s got a feather.
The man lives to shoot birds out of the sky.