Monday, March 26, 2012

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, East, Round Two

#16 UNC Asheville Bulldogs vs. #8 Kansas State Wildcats

Ah, the most adorable of Mascot Battles. Bulldogs are, I guess, occasionally more ferocious than some other breeds, but they seem very compact, which will probably affect their ability to compete in a battle against anything that has any sort of reach whatsoever.

On the other hand, they seemed to occasionally piss Frasier off, so they’ve got that going for them. 

The wildcats aren’t a Cheers spinoff, though, and can charitably be interpreted to be an actual large cat with prey and claws and stealth and things. It could be a serval!

I assume the tiny head helps with land speed? I guess? 

In any case, I can’t really make a case for the bulldog pulling this out.  

Kansas State advances.  

#5 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #13 Montana Grizzlies

The Commodores, sure, have military training, but Montana’s landlocked, which negates any ship-based artillery. Moreover, Commodores aren’t going to have the full strength of the men they’d theoretically command; this is one on one. And I’m trying to be gentle here, but the Commodore isn’t the youngest mascot. He’s been around, and apparently has some sort of spinal disorder.

I’m not looking forward to the point in the aging process where my skin gathers around my wrists. 

The Grizzlies are 700 pound monsters, and even though the Commodore probably has a sidearm and a (potentially ceremonial) sword, I’m going to give this to the Grizzlies on the grounds that they’d swat the Commodore’s head the rest of the way off while he’s trying to load his traditional musket.  

Montana advances.  

#11 Texas Longhorns vs. #3 Florida State Seminoles

 Listen, cows are great. I like cows. They’re stalwart, and it’s probably tough to fistfight one, if only because I think punching a cow is probably pretty ineffective.

What do you want? Moo. Are we good now? Great.

On the other hand, part of why I enjoy cows as much as I do is that they’re delicious, which certainly doesn’t bode well for them in a fight to the death. The Seminoles, in addition to being one of the few symbols sanctioned by the tribe for which they’re named, are on horseback and have a variety of weapons, most prominently a giant spear. So on one hand, we’ve got livestock, and on the other, a tribe that kept livestock.

Florida State advances.  

#10 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #2 Ohio State Buckeyes

West Virginia’s basically gone with Grizzly Adams as a mascot.

Never trust a man wearing that much fringe. Or a raccoon.

Meanwhile, and I don’t say this to denigrate Ohio State, but they’re a slightly poisonous nut. Sure, an anthropomorphic nut named Brutus, but an anthropomorphic nut nonetheless. I don’t know much about Mountaineering (hell, I can barely keep myself alive in modern civilization, surrounded by things designed to make sure I don’t accidentally wander into life threatening situations), but I’m pretty sure that early on in Mountaineering 101 is “Don’t eat the poison”.  

West Virginia advances.

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