Saturday, March 17, 2012

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket: East, Round One, Part One

#1 Syracuse Orange vs. #16 UNC Asheville Bulldogs

This is usually about the point where the Murphspot Mascot Bracket leaves reality behind forever, choosing instead to wander through the park at two in the morning shouting at the trees. But honestly, what am I supposed to do here? The Orange? The mascot's even literally an orange.

You're not giving me a lot to work with here, Syracuse.

When they were the Orangemen, I could at least make some connection to Protestant Fraternal Organizations which would have made things interesting in the event that they ever wound up playing Notre Dame. Their only hope against a bulldog is going to be to poison it, but as this slideshow of dogs looking sad near food points out, oranges get along with dogs' digestive systems just fine. Also, the University of Georgia came up with this pumpkin, which they’re calling the Orange Bulldog. That’s irrelevant, but will probably be a strong contender for the Murphspot Pumpkin Bracket.

 #8 Kansas State Wildcats vs. #9 Southern Miss Golden Eagles

Well, this is embarrassing. We’re already at another set of Golden Eagles and I’ve just used up my admittedly weak Golden Eagle humor, which consisted entirely of confusing it with a television show from the mid-nineties. Happily, I can go a decade earlier with the references here, as Kansas State has elected to go with the Thundercats logo.

So on one hand, we’ve got a fairly intimidating bird of prey as far as birds of prey go, and on the other, we’ve got a mascot that I presume is wielding the Sword of Omens. So this whole exercise seems pretty straightforward.  

Kansas State advances.

#5 Vanderbilt Commodores vs.#12 Harvard Crimson If you had asked me to name a Commodore, I wouldn’t have been able to. Part of that is because the US Navy no longer uses it as a rank, but it’s not like I know a large number of people who are in the Navy, so even if it were, I’m not sure that’d help. What I do know is that despite my Obligation from Birth as a Pittsburgher to oppose all things Cleveland, this is pretty solid.

And named for Oliver Hazard Perry, whose middle name was Hazard because he was just. that. metal.

So Vanderbilt’s up in the “strained association with a solid IPA category”. The Crimson’s mascot is John Harvard, and apparently looks like this, which I assume would have looked out of place even in the early 1600s.

They probably could have gone with something other than “visibly ill John Harvard”.

The closest I could find quickly in the beer category to compete is Peak Organic’s King Crimson, which seems to have middling reviews, but does allow me to post a video of King Crimson playing 21st Century Schizoid Man.

That’s not enough, I think, to win over the Commodore.

Vanderbilt advances.

#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #13 Montana Grizzlies

I am not going to make a honey badger joke. That would be hacky.

Badgers are pretty fierce, and Wikipedia claims that they can fight off bears, which would make for a pretty awesome nature documentary, though it’s sparse on details about whether that’s one on one, which is relevant for this bracket.

Grizzly bears, on the other hand, are 700 lbs of anger and association with picnic baskets and Werner Herzog. I presume Montana Grizzly Bears are also ruggedly individualist.
I’m going to have to go with sheer size and rage and go with the Grizzlies.

Montana advances.

1 comment:

Susan said...

You may have enough class not to make a honey badger joke, but UW merchandising sure doesn't! Which it turns out is all to its good, as apparently the only way to get me to pay attention to sports is to make them more relevant to my internet addiction. I'm not, in point of fact, even sure what happens with basketball in March (although apparently there are sixteen of it) but I have considered purchasing a shirt that says "Bucky Badger don't care" on it.