Monday, March 19, 2012

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, East, Round One, Part Two

#6 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. #11 Texas Longhorns

I don’t think there’s a mascot in this bracket that has a higher Badass Name to Actual Badassery ratio. Bearcats sound like they should be some sort of terrifying amalgam of horrors, like a tiger with bear arms,or a bear with a lion’s head, or something with laser eyes that can only be described by its shaking, horrified survivors.

Instead, it’s this thing.

Binturongs, I suppose. 

People keep them as pets. I mean, granted, it’s fighting a cow here, so it might have the advantage of being somewhat quicker and more willing to do something other than stand in a field, but the Longhorns definitely have range on their side, and I honestly don’t trust the Fighting Binturongs to just impale themselves on the Longhorns’ horns in the process of trying to actually do something that resembles fighting.  

Texas advances  

#3 Florida State Seminoles vs. #14 St. Bonaventure Bonnies

My mascot lies over the ocean, evidently. And it’s the Bona Wolf.

And is that guy at music festivals. Put some pants on. No one is enjoying this.

Actually, the history of the St. Bonaventure mascot’s more interesting than I’d have guessed. The mascot was originally the St. Bonaventure Brown Indian, who last appeared in 1992 what with the controversy about whether that’s ok or not. That was followed by the Bona Fanatic, who was unpopular enough that he was actually assaulted. So now we’re on the Bona Wolf, which St. Bonaventure would like you to know is relevant as they’re Franciscan, and St. Francis of Assisi once tamed a wolf. Sadly, that’s going to work against the Wolf here. If it were still wild, it might have stood a fighting chance against the Seminoles, but I’m going to trust that the Seminoles are able to kill and dismantle a tamed wolf with relative ease. They’ve got axes.

Florida State advances

#7 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. #10 West Virginia Mountaineers

I don’t see this being a good fight to the death. I see this being a mid-1970’s TV series that’s destined to be shoved into syndication after Little House on the Prairie.

Michael Landon went to USC, evidently, so he’s not terribly concerned with the outcome here.

In any case, while bulldogs may be tenacious, I really can’t see the Bulldog doing any actual damage to the Mountaineer. Maybe if the Mountaineer has some specialized footwear that the Bulldog can chew up that can indirectly lead to a fatal accident, but I think that vastly more likely is that if attacked by a rabid bulldog (to make it more threatening), the Mountaineer is going to take care of business and get back to making a table out of a tree, or something.

West Virginia advances.

 #2 Ohio State Buckeyes vs. #15 Loyola (MD) Greyhounds

I don’t want this to be a bracket in which I just hate on dogs. I like dogs. Some of my best friends are dogs. Really, I’m not anti-dog, but most of what I know about Greyhounds is that they’re fast and pretty good at chasing a mechanical rabbit, and that maybe we should stop making them do that.

This wouldn’t seem to be an issue, as the Buckeyes are either a tree or seeds from that tree.

Valiant effort to work that into a wearable suit, but I think the cap might be a bit much. 

The only way that the Buckeyes are going to be able to pull ahead here is by being poisonous which, luckily, they are. And dogs, in my experience, will eat any damn thing without checking to see if it’s going to give them digestion problems, so bizarrely Ohio State succeeds where Syracuse failed.  

Ohio State advances.

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