#16 UTSA Roadrunners vs. #9 George Mason Patriots
Given that the Roadrunners didn't so much gain entry to the second round because they're a viscious competitor but because they were fighting a nut. The Patriots almost certainly have some kind of firearm, and even if you're going to make some kind of "difficult to hit because it's a moving target" argument, I've got to think that the Patriots are going to have some sort of anti-Roadrunner strategic advantage. It's simply too much to overcome. George Mason advances.
#12 UAB Blazers vs. #13 Princeton Tigers
I was going to write something about how a dragon is basically a reptilian tiger with bigger claws and fire (and wings? Sure. Why not. It's not like it's a Balrog). But then the more I look at the matchup, the more this is evidently some manner of wuxia movie. I emailed Ang Lee to ask him what he thought, but he hasn't gotten back to me, so I'm going to have to go with the original analysis. Dragons would kill tigers more quickly than something that happens really quickly. UAB advances
#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #14 Indiana State Sycamores
Oh, Sycamores. Apparently, there are a number of trees called sycamores, but I'll assume this refers to the American Sycamore (given that Indiana State is not in either California or Arizona). It's a good shade tree, but I can only see that helping the musketeers, who might need to sit down after a long day of wearing jaunty hats and growing ridiculous facial hair. And once they're well rested, I imagine they've got a way to cut down the sycamore for firewood. So yeah. Xavier advances.
#7 Washington Huskies vs. #2 North Carolina Tar Heels
I was hoping that at the very least, I could have a dog beat a non-dog opponent to show that I really don't hate dogs, and I don't want to conjure up images of animal cruelty or allegations of specism by saying that the human mascots are going to triumph over the dog mascots, but there's not a lot of room to push here. The Tar Heels have the reach and the strategy to make up for the fact that the Huskies have more intimidating teeth. Plus, if you go with the "Isn't-Too-Concerned-About-The-Hail-of-Gunfire" definitions, I think I have to give it to the Tar Heels. North Carolina advances.