In today’s (fast-paced/hectic/slow-moving/combustible) world, it’s becoming close to impossible to achieve absolutely nothing of substance. Even in your (low-level/earth-shaking/mind-numbing/apocalyptic) job, you may find that things would move at some rate slower without your input, however small, thus negating your efforts toward having no impact whatever on the world. You could, of course, simply do nothing, but this is too easy and does not warrant publication even on the blog to which this will be appended. You must do something, that much is clear, and the (magical/fruity/boxy/apocalyptic) solution is to confine oneself to doing only that which will have the minimal impact on your surroundings. In this way, you can be assured that not a single person would notice your absence at the two-minutes-hate, and you can relax, knowing that you’ve made no difference whatsoever. Just follow everything I tell you to do, and you’ll be on your way to not accomplishing a damn thing.
Play Flash Games
There’s almost nothing more inconsequential than (increasing your score/completing/passing out during) a poorly drawn game of your choice. Years ago, doing so required us to animate our own game in flipbook fashion or wait for the Powers that Be to release the next iteration of Tetris for us at $50 a pop, but now…oh, now… Tetris clones to infinity, pong clones like there’s no tomorrow and little maze games involving a representation of one’s own hopelessness in beach ball format have assuaged our fear of not being able to press arrow keys without impact on anything at all ever. Never has the age-old problem of confronting inner conflict and the philosophical implications of our own inevitable surrender to the annals of local history become manifest so perfectly in kitty launching as with FLASH.
Feign interest in self-improvement
What’s best for pretending to better oneself without actually improving is the time-tested practice of learning how to manage one’s time. Buy a planner/get a dry-erase board/make sticky-notes like there’s no tomorrow. Read about how other people manage their time and vow to mimic it. Don’t. That’d be productive, and that’s not what we’re going for here. I recommend How to Live by Arnold Bennett. Entertaining in its own right enough to prevent you from doing other things, it also appeared first in 1910 (as a series of articles-the first section), which will help you build the all-important worship of times past that you haven’t lived through but were assuredly better than times are now. Being able to assure yourself there was a Golden Age (there wasn’t) that would return if only these fools would stop screwing it up will be invaluable to you.
Write to People
More specifically, write opinion columns to the local newspaper (the smaller the better) about utterly unimportant things, such as complaining about the size of the television insert included or how they really ought to put a stoplight in any given place. Better yet, write into the sports columnist to enlighten him to the fact that the Pirates aren’t doing so well lately, and insist that the ownership do something to change what’s happening. Do not write about anything substantial or make any kind of move that would initiate anything that would change the status quo (such as not going to the Pirates games, which would register with the ownership).
Start A Blog, then Include News Updates In It
Actually, this one’s questionable. For the most part, the most it will do is let people know where you stand on issues, in which case you could exclude commentary, becoming instead of a voice talking about the news simply a bullhorn through which news that’s already been released and is readily available is relayed. Even in that way, you still might get someone (coughstevehazencough) who actually reads the blog you’ve initiated as a way to get news, rendering you a poor man’s version of an unfunny Daily Show. Thing is, that’s impact, and that slows down your assault on effectiveness.
Buy a Metal Detector
I hope you’ve gained nothing by reading this.
See? That’s what happens when I don’t have anything to comment on. I write articles like this. So, if you really care about the future of Welcome To Murphy, ignore the article above and go create something for me to comment on. Pass gay marriage laws (like Canada! has just done) or rob something, then claim some political cause. Don’t hurt anyone, though.
I’m going to go do something else.