Memphis Tigers vs. Mississippi State Bulldogs
I think we're going to see a bit of a Tiger bottleneck coming up rather soon. Especially if we're tossing smallish, stubby dogs into the tiger cage. But my hands are tied by the rules of the mascot bracket that I'm making up as I go along. Memphis advances.
Michigan State Spartans vs. Pittsburgh Panthers
Most of what I know about the culture of Sparta comes from 300, which is something that I'm currently totally fine with. There may come a time in my life where I want to learn more about the Spartans and their encounters with eight-foot tall androgynous god-king Paulo-from-Lost-s, but for now, that suffices. And as much as I want to fix this so that Pittsburgh wins it, I can recall a young Leonidas killing some kind of wolf-or-such with a pointy stick, so I'm going to have to give this to Michigan State.
Kentucky Wildcats vs. Stanford Cardinal
Ignoring once again that the Tree is unofficial, this one's still going to have to go to Stanford. Sure, wildcats are feral and vicious and have scratchy claws and could probably do some damage to the bark of the tree, but if the cat dares to climb up into the tree, we've got to call the fire department to get it down.
Miami Hurricanes vs. Texas Longhorns
I want to say that the Longhorns would look at the storm stoically and press on in the face of adversity, but doing a google image search for "tornado cow" doesn't bring up good images, and they seem to be tossed around a lot in hurricanes, or confined to trailers in an attempt to get them out. The Hurricanes are going to win this matchup.
UCLA Bruins vs. Brigham Young University Cougars
Here's the kind of matchup I was hoping for when I started this. Bears, in my mind and because I know nothing about them, seem big and full of brute force. Perhaps quick on occasion and protective of cubs, but more on the "fat guy" side of things if we're taking all fights to be an analogy of the three character choices in Ice Hockey on the NES. Cougars are quick and claw-y and with the biting your jugular. So I'm not sure whether I want to go for guile or brute force. I think what it comes down to is that Bears sleep for a good chunk of the year, and so do I, and so they win.
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers vs. San Diego Toreros
I really, really want that goofy, happy, skipping guy with the floppy mouth to win this one. I really, really do. Unfortunately, that Torero's still got the banderillas and the sword and the ingenuity and he's not some big red blob.
San Diego advances.
Purdue Boilermakers vs. Xavier Musketeers
You probably think I'm going to hand another one to the Train, don't you? Because it's big and strong and if the musketeer were tied to the track, he'd be dead. And you'd be right. But he's not tied to the track, and even though his musket is going to be useless against a steam engine, I'm going to have to go with the musketeer being resourceful enough to board the train and figure out how to stop it.
Xavier moves on.
West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Belmont Bears
One-on-one in a naked brawl, I'm going to take the bear every time. But as that wasn't the rule I set out at the beginning and I'm making this up as I go, I'm going to go with the Mountaineers, simply because I've been to West Virginia and I've seen bear traps, and I'm pretty sure a mountaineer could figure out a way to kill a bear, at least by the weird, creepy, animal-carpet industry's existence.
West Virginia makes it.