North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Arkansas Razorbacks
That's still a fierce looking pig, and the bit about razorbacks being able to kill humans still has me a bit concerned about them, but I think overall, the guile of inhabitants of North Carolina and their magical ram-controlling powers have to win out here. I'm not terribly sure, but I think I've had barbeque in North Carolina, and if so, it appears they know how to handle pigs. Plus, I'd like "magical ram powers" to continue a bit further in the tournament.
North Carolina advances.
George Mason Patriots vs. Washington State Cougars
All the freedom-fighting in the world isn't going to help you when a cougar's biting your neck off. I have it from a good authority that Roy Horn was incredibly patriotic, and look what happened to him. Cougars care not about your ideals and a new form of government. They care only about their dinner. Oh, and the age disparity in sexual relationships. They care about that too.
Washington State moves on.
St. Joseph's Hawks vs. Boise State Broncos
Again with the bird/horse matchup. Hawks are more dangerous, in my experience (which is zero) than cardinals, but I just really can't think of a way a bird is going to kill a horse. Please feel free to write in your suggestions in the comments. So, for now at least, Boise State soldiers on.
South Alabama Jaguars vs. Tennessee Volunteers
There's a lot of "humans getting their faces eaten by large cats" in the second round so far, but there's really no other way around that. Volunteers have a sense of accomplishment and grateful elderly women who now have a new roof and, perhaps, a circular saw. Jaguars devour you. South Alabama wins.
Portland State Vikings vs. University of Nevada-Las Vegas Runnin' Rebels
Finally, a matchup that's actually human-on-human. This one's tough. As mentioned previously, the Vikings have that whole "fighting for honor/dying/going to Valhalla" thing going, but look at this dude.
You can tell he's a badass because he's not afraid to cover every square inch of seam with frill. And what a 'stache.
Added to the fact that they at one time used a sort of slack-jawed wolf
Is Disney getting residuals from this?
I'm going to have to go with UNLV.
Clemson Tigers vs. Vanderbilt Commodores
Scene: It's the early eighteenth-century, and the United Kingdom is in the process of gaining political control over the Indian subcontinent. Recently given the rank of Commodore along with a squadron, Commodore Fredericks converses with Commander Insertwhiteguyname.
Fredericks: I say, it is a glorious day as we expand our empire.
Insertwhiteguyname: My word, Commodore, what is that approaching us with great speed?
Fredericks: Oh, Insertwhiteguyname, that is merely one of the Great Cats native to this area. I believe they are called tigers.
Insertwhiteguyname: Are they dangerous, Commodore?
Fredericks: I don't think so. They're relatively ta-AAAUUUGH.
Insertwhiteguyname: Oh dear. I believe I shall have some stereotypical British food and then stereotype stereotype.
University of Southern California Trojans vs. California State University-Fullerton Titans
I gave the USC Orlando Blooms a pass in the last round, but not here. I'm sure there's some sort of "Titan" condom joke I could run with here, but I won't. I'm going to have to take the giant mythological creatures over people who brought a giant enemy-containing horse into their walls because they thought hey, surely the opposition just up and left.
Cal State Fullerton advances.
Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Georgetown Hoyas
I'm giving this one to Gonzaga just because bulldogs actually exist, as opposed to "what" in Greek or, alternately, pretty tropical flowers. I've seen what bulldogs do to flowers. It's not pretty.
Round Two South/West when I feel like it.