Washington State Cougars vs. South Alabama Jaguars
See, this is what I was afraid of. Two huge, fierce cats that I know nothing about meeting up in the final match for this regional. I could violate my premise and everything I stand for and consider that Washington State is ranked higher, or that South Alabama had a 26-6 record to Washington State's 24-8. Or I could go with the fact that jaguars have cool spots, which probably helps them in some sort of camouflage-y way. Yeah. We'll go with that.
South Alabama moves to the Final Four
UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. Cal State Fullerton Titans
It may be that the Runnin' Rebel's mustache has finally run out of victory. Sure, he's a beast of a man, but Titans weren't overpowered by much other than the Olympians, and besides, Titan's pretty solid, as far as satellites of Saturn go. This one's going to have to go to Cal State Fullerton.
Michigan State Spartans vs. Stanford Cardinal
Which wins? The warrior society or the eternal tree? Considering that the Spartans are the first opponent that Stanford has encountered that I'm aware of that would have been able to build things out of wood, I'm going to presume they know how to chop down a tree as well. Michigan State makes it to the Final Four.
San Diego Toreros vs. Xavier Musketeers
And again, with the human-on-human matchup. I think, once again, I'm going to have to go with the superior weaponry, the proclivity to oppose Cardinal Richelieu, and the fact that I've met people who use muskets, while I've never met a Torero. Xavier fills out the Final Four.