Monday, March 17, 2008

Mascot Bracket, Round One Midwest

Kansas Jayhawks vs. Portland State Vikings

This one seems no contest. We have yet another bird going up against a big horn-wearing adventurer whose culture is centered around crushing you, Odin and flaming ships. Portland State in an unprecidented upset.

UNLV Running Rebels vs. Kent State Golden Flashes

The mascot for the Golden Flashes appears to be some manner of bird, which already is enough to send me into a fit. It's somewhat fierce looking and "Golden Flashes" is kind of sweet for a meaningless name, except that it sounds like a sex act I don't want to know about. I'm going to presume they went with that because their zoological prowess is impaired by the nearby Akron Zoo, which is the saddest damn place I've ever been. Running Rebels, on the other hand, remind me of Oi! bands from the eighties and definitely have guns. UNLV takes it.

Clemson Tigers vs. Villanova Wildcats

Hey there. Finally, a matchup that not only doesn't involve birds, it's actually kind of interesting. Which wins? The tiger, obviously. Apparently, wildcats are kind of puny, and even if you go with Wildcat as a superhero, he's apparently stuck using slang from the 1950's and pissing off Power Girl.
There's such a thing as tact, dude.

Clemson it is, then.

Vanderbilt Commodores vs. Siena Saints

Saints aren't exactly known for their fighting prowess, while commodores are at least military. I imagine the saints are going to turn the other cheek in a deathmatch and wait for their reward in the afterlife. Which is all fine and good, but doesn't move you along in this bracket. Vanderbilt wins it.

USC Trojans vs. Kansas State Wildcats

I've already established that wildcats are kind of puny and susceptible to being whomped, and it seems like you'd just pick the warriors and be done with it, but it's a bit more difficult than that. It depends, mostly, on which Trojan. I have no doubt that most would crush the cat into non-existence, but if your Trojan is Orlando Bloom, I imagine he's going to lose, then cry and beg for Eric Bana to make it all better.

What a douche.

Still, it's not fair to judge a group of people by their affiliation with Orlando Bloom, so reason will have to prevail and the Trojans take it.

Wisconsin Badgers vs. Cal State Fullerton Titans

From what I understand, badgers are unpleasant little bastards that will rip your face off. Which would be fine and good if they weren't going up against the embodiment of hugeness. Plus, it'll make this dude happy.

Cal State Fullerton takes it.

Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Davidson Wildcats

I've previously expressed my skepticism about the tenacity of bulldogs, but that might be unfair since I've never actually met one. I've also painted wildcats as feral, but not much else. So which do I choose? I'm going to have to go with the Bulldogs. The standard dog/cat relationship is there and the spiked collar probably helps instill some fear. Gonzaga wins it.

Georgetown Hoyas vs. University of Maryland-Baltimore County Retrievers

I've gotten no closer to figuring out what a Hoya is (and Wikipedia leads me to believe there's no real answer) so I'll be substituting a bulldog, since that's what Georgetown uses as a mascot. I'm kind of stunned by the use of a Chesapeake Bay Retriever as a mascot, and want to give it points for sheer inventiveness, but I'm still going to take the bulldog in a fight. If this were a fetching contest, I might go a different way, but it's not, and that means the win goes to Georgetown.

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