Fifth Annual Murphspot Bracket, Round Two, West

#16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers vs. #9 Connecticut Huskies

I think I might have built Big Red up too much. He's somehow become, within the confines of the bracket, this bizarre amalgam of Elmo, the Kool-Aid man and an unspeakable Lovecraftian horror sent to drive the world into madness and despair.

That thigh-pocket? THAT'S WHERE HE KEEPS SOULS. 

Of course, it should go without saying that Big Red loves all animals large and small and would elect to not fight the Huskies unless it were absolutely necessary. It is, of course, and given that this competition isn't based on who can drag a sled through the Yukon most efficiently, I think Big Red's probably got the upper hand. I'm not going to say he'd definitely unhinge his giant floppy head and swallow the Huskies whole, but that's precisely what he'd do.

 Western Kentucky advances.


#5 Wichita State Shockers vs. #13 New Mexico State Aggies

I feel like Pistol Pete of the New Mexico State Aggies has gotten away from his agricultural roots. The much maligned Lasso Larry had a lasso, which at least alludes to him taking care of livestock and while pistols are great, I don’t know that they necessarily mean he’s taking care of business at the farm.

 He even missed this year’s International Irrigation Conference. What the hell, Pete. 

The Shockers, on the other hand, are fielding this Wheat Golem.

Now, I’ve never fought a field of wheat brought to life by whatever dark magic’s being employed in Wichita, but I’m going to go ahead and guess that bullets would go right through this guy without having much effect. Actually, that would make a good take on the zombie genre. An ever advancing horde of Wheat Elementals constantly closing in with no hope of being stopped, until the hero discovers that they’re only vulnerable to scythes to the head, but by that point most of his party’s been turned into wheat and what the hell am I writing?


Wichita State advances


#6 UNLV Rebels vs. #3 Baylor Bears

Hey Reb’s still got me traumatized, but damn if the man can’t grow a moustache.

Those eyes, though. Portals to the netherworld.

He doesn’t appear to have any weapons, though, and “Rebels” in this context refers to UNLV coming into its own apart from University of Nevada, Reno. That’s really the only way this could make sense, as Nevada was never part of the Confederacy. They were admitted to the Union in 1864, sure, and it turns out that UNLV did have a mascot in a Confederate uniform for a while as part of a convoluted attack on Reno, whose mascot wore a Union uniform, but people complained and it didn’t make sense, so we’ve got Hey Reb.

The thing, though, is that the Baylor Bear isn’t (as far as I can tell) from Reno, and without weapons, Hey Reb’s going to have a hell of a time fighting off a bear.


Baylor advances.


#10 Xavier Musketeers vs. #15 Lehigh Mountain Hawks

I don’t want to get into a debate about the relative merits of the Royal Household Guard of Louis XIII versus other military units. There was a time in my life where that would have been appropriate, but that’s long past and also I have no idea what I’m talking about in that regard.

Not that that’s stopped me so far.

As much as I like the Mountain Hawks, the problem here is that they’re really only going to be able to dive in and attack from above and, honestly I think the Musketeer’s wide-brimmed hat is going to impede the efficacy of that. Also, he’s got a feather.

The man lives to shoot birds out of the sky. 

 Sorry, Lehigh.


Xavier advances

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, Midwest, Round One, Part Two

#6 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #11 North Carolina State Wolfpack

At first glance, this seems to be a classic matchup pitting man against beast and could actually be a sporting match, as the Aztec mascot’s got a shield and spear, as opposed to, say, a Howitzer.

And North Carolina State specifies that it’s a wolfpack, and if this is going to be an entire pack fighting one Aztec Warrior, it’ll be a struggle. On the other hand, the mascots for North Carolina State are Mr. and Mrs. Wuf.

 

This is where we’re starting.

They apparently get married on occasion by the Wake Forest Demon Deacon who appears to hold standing in North Carolina to serve as a wedding officiant and who sadly isn’t in the bracket this year (I’ll assume he’s riding across the American Southwest and writing a memoir). I’m not going to hold that against them, but I am going to hold that little hat against Mr. Wuf.

Listen, I get it. You’re a mascot, you’ve been around for a while and your wardrobe was picked out in the 30’s, but this is severely limiting my ability to pick NC State.

The Aztec Warrior headgear, on the other hand, is awesome.

Maybe this is the Murphspot Hat Bracket after all.  

San Diego State advances.

#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #14 Belmont Bruins

I should go back through my brackets and see if I’ve ever advanced Georgetown through the first round. They’re named after their cheer (“Hoya Saxa”) which is Greek and Latin and irrelevant in a Mascot Bracket. They’ve got Jack the Bulldog, who is a bulldog.

The Bruins have the advantage of being brown bears, who historically have done very well in Murphspot Mascot Brackets. And Ray Bourque.

This isn’t even a competition. Jack’s adorable and all, but he’s also, what, 60 pounds on the high end? And he doesn’t have ridiculous claws?

Yeah.

Belmont advances

#7 Saint Mary’s Gaels vs. #10 Purdue Boilermakers

Oh, man am I sad it’s taken this long to get to Gael Force One.  

Look at this. 

That’s a ten foot tall knight who’s apparently made of mylar. That’s just great. Not terribly effective on the battlefield, but a fantastic use of inflatables technology. Actually, Gael Force One (who seems to be named by splitting the difference between Gaels, gale force winds and Air Force One) might have been useful for demoralizing an enemy, so long as they don’t have the ability to shoot projectiles at it.

Purdue, on the other hand, is a train, which (in the limited number of Westerns I’ve actually watched) seems to be pretty hard to actually stop. Presuming Gael Force One has to stay on the tracks (or if the Purdue Boilermaker is some manner of magical train that can travel without rails, which I guess is really just a truck and hence not very magical), this is going to end with a collision and a blow up knight bouncing ninety feet into the air.

And that is how you get a parade started.  

Purdue advances.  

#2 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #15 Detroit Titans

And we’re at the all-mythical matchup. Jayhawks were Abolitionists who associated themselves with John Jay, which has somehow come to be personified in Big Jay, a giant blue bird with shoes.

Actually, the shoes were added by the guy who was designing the mascot specifically so that it could kick opponents, which is pretty awesome and hints that they knew, a century in advance, that some guy in Chicago would be writing a series of posts about mascots actually fighting each other.

The Titans, on the other hand, are presumably huge deities who preceded the Olympians. The Titans’ mascot does nothing to dissuade this.

His expression only works if his head is tilted back, and he’s constantly saying “Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

As noble as the cause of the Jayhawks is, they’re not Zeus and so they’re likely going to have some issues with the sword-and-shield wielding God of Foam Rubber.  

Detroit advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, Midwest, Round One, Part One

#1 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. #16 Vermont Catamounts


Ca-tamounts. Catamounts. Catamounts. I’m still not sure I’m getting it. I’m never sure where to go with the Tar Heels. If I’m honest, it’s a local nickname, so this turns into “North Carolinians against mountain cats”. I suppose then it really comes down to which North Carolinians are sent in to fight off the catamounts. Presumably military figures would be the best, but honestly it’s more fun if it’s, let’s say, Zach Galifianakis, Edward R. Murrow and, let’s say, Vince McMahon. I think the belt counts as being lightly armored.

Alternately, it turns out Thelonious Monk was a North Carolinian, which is awesome. If this were the Murphspot Hat Bracket, that'd decide it.

If we stick with the mascot, on the other hand, the mascot is a Dorset sheep named Rameses; I’m pretty sure mountain cats can kill those. When it comes down to it, Thelonious Monk probably unduly biases me towards thinking of the Tar Heels as Denizens of North Carolina, who I presume would be able to fight off mountain cats, what with their guns and jazz piano and whatnot.

North Carolina advances.

 #8 Creighton Bluejays vs. #9 Alabama Crimson Tide

Bluejays are very, very rarely frightening.

Bautista notwithstanding.

It’s blue, which is sort of a jaunty color for a bird, I guess, and it eats nuts and acorns and sings little songs. Meanwhile, the Crimson Tide sounds like the end of The Shining. Even if we stick with a strict mascot-vs.-mascot definition of this bracket, Alabama’s got Big Al the Elephant, and I’m having a lot of trouble coming up with a way in which a songbird takes down any manner of elephant. Really, the best thing to note about this matchup is that Wikipedia’s got a List of Historical Elephants, which I shouldn’t be surprised by but amuses me nonetheless. And I now know the name of Charlemagne’s elephant. So that’s nice.


Alabama advances.


#5 Temple Owls vs. #12 California Golden Bears

Owls are somewhat frightening.

!

Anything that can turn its head around 270 degrees is going to be offputting to me, but even moreso if they’re prone to making loud, screeching noises that, if you know what they are, are merely infuriating. An d they’re associated with either wisdom or death, depending on which civilization you talk to.

Temple seems to have gone with a more flat-headed cherry-colored owl named Hooter.

Its brow-ridge-things do make it seem angry. I’ll give it that. I’m presuming that Hooter is a melodica aficionado, because that makes sense.

Still, this is a small bird of prey that usually pits itself against mice and rabbits. Bears are somewhat larger. And, if we’re taking some liberties with it, the Golden Bear could arguably be Jack Nicklaus. Sure, he’s 72 these days, but I’m guessing the guy can still swing a club well enough to knock an owl out of the sky. Or can propel a ball to do that for him. Or can license an arcade game that winds up in the back room of a bowling alley, which has a taxidermied owl somewhere on premises.

The point is, California advances.

 #4 Michigan Wolverines vs. # 13 Ohio Bobcats

In one corner, we’ve got (if we’re being boring)the largest of the weasels going up against a fairly large relative of the lynx. They’re both pretty fierce, and apparently both can take down and eat prey larger than they are if you let them. Bobcats have been reported to eat deer, but Wolverines will take down an elk without even bothering to feel bad.

The Elk has no idea what’s coming, because elk are notoriously bad at planning for the future. You should see their retirement accounts. Dreadful.

More interestingly, we’ve got a 150 year old Albertan mutant with a healing factor and an aftermarket adamantium skeleton going up against beloved(?) actor and comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, who was in some of the police academy movies, I guess.

I don’t see this going well for Bobcat.


Michigan advances

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, East, Round One, Part Two

#6 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. #11 Texas Longhorns

I don’t think there’s a mascot in this bracket that has a higher Badass Name to Actual Badassery ratio. Bearcats sound like they should be some sort of terrifying amalgam of horrors, like a tiger with bear arms,or a bear with a lion’s head, or something with laser eyes that can only be described by its shaking, horrified survivors.

Instead, it’s this thing.

Binturongs, I suppose. 

People keep them as pets. I mean, granted, it’s fighting a cow here, so it might have the advantage of being somewhat quicker and more willing to do something other than stand in a field, but the Longhorns definitely have range on their side, and I honestly don’t trust the Fighting Binturongs to just impale themselves on the Longhorns’ horns in the process of trying to actually do something that resembles fighting.  

Texas advances  

#3 Florida State Seminoles vs. #14 St. Bonaventure Bonnies

My mascot lies over the ocean, evidently. And it’s the Bona Wolf.

And is that guy at music festivals. Put some pants on. No one is enjoying this.

Actually, the history of the St. Bonaventure mascot’s more interesting than I’d have guessed. The mascot was originally the St. Bonaventure Brown Indian, who last appeared in 1992 what with the controversy about whether that’s ok or not. That was followed by the Bona Fanatic, who was unpopular enough that he was actually assaulted. So now we’re on the Bona Wolf, which St. Bonaventure would like you to know is relevant as they’re Franciscan, and St. Francis of Assisi once tamed a wolf. Sadly, that’s going to work against the Wolf here. If it were still wild, it might have stood a fighting chance against the Seminoles, but I’m going to trust that the Seminoles are able to kill and dismantle a tamed wolf with relative ease. They’ve got axes.

Florida State advances

#7 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. #10 West Virginia Mountaineers

I don’t see this being a good fight to the death. I see this being a mid-1970’s TV series that’s destined to be shoved into syndication after Little House on the Prairie.

Michael Landon went to USC, evidently, so he’s not terribly concerned with the outcome here.

In any case, while bulldogs may be tenacious, I really can’t see the Bulldog doing any actual damage to the Mountaineer. Maybe if the Mountaineer has some specialized footwear that the Bulldog can chew up that can indirectly lead to a fatal accident, but I think that vastly more likely is that if attacked by a rabid bulldog (to make it more threatening), the Mountaineer is going to take care of business and get back to making a table out of a tree, or something.

West Virginia advances.

 #2 Ohio State Buckeyes vs. #15 Loyola (MD) Greyhounds

I don’t want this to be a bracket in which I just hate on dogs. I like dogs. Some of my best friends are dogs. Really, I’m not anti-dog, but most of what I know about Greyhounds is that they’re fast and pretty good at chasing a mechanical rabbit, and that maybe we should stop making them do that.

This wouldn’t seem to be an issue, as the Buckeyes are either a tree or seeds from that tree.

Valiant effort to work that into a wearable suit, but I think the cap might be a bit much. 

The only way that the Buckeyes are going to be able to pull ahead here is by being poisonous which, luckily, they are. And dogs, in my experience, will eat any damn thing without checking to see if it’s going to give them digestion problems, so bizarrely Ohio State succeeds where Syracuse failed.  

Ohio State advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket: East, Round One, Part One

#1 Syracuse Orange vs. #16 UNC Asheville Bulldogs

This is usually about the point where the Murphspot Mascot Bracket leaves reality behind forever, choosing instead to wander through the park at two in the morning shouting at the trees. But honestly, what am I supposed to do here? The Orange? The mascot's even literally an orange.

You're not giving me a lot to work with here, Syracuse.
When they were the Orangemen, I could at least make some connection to Protestant Fraternal Organizations which would have made things interesting in the event that they ever wound up playing Notre Dame. Their only hope against a bulldog is going to be to poison it, but as this slideshow of dogs looking sad near food points out, oranges get along with dogs' digestive systems just fine. Also, the University of Georgia came up with this pumpkin, which they’re calling the Orange Bulldog. That’s irrelevant, but will probably be a strong contender for the Murphspot Pumpkin Bracket.

 #8 Kansas State Wildcats vs. #9 Southern Miss Golden Eagles

Well, this is embarrassing. We’re already at another set of Golden Eagles and I’ve just used up my admittedly weak Golden Eagle humor, which consisted entirely of confusing it with a television show from the mid-nineties. Happily, I can go a decade earlier with the references here, as Kansas State has elected to go with the Thundercats logo.

So on one hand, we’ve got a fairly intimidating bird of prey as far as birds of prey go, and on the other, we’ve got a mascot that I presume is wielding the Sword of Omens. So this whole exercise seems pretty straightforward.  

Kansas State advances.

#5 Vanderbilt Commodores vs.#12 Harvard Crimson If you had asked me to name a Commodore, I wouldn’t have been able to. Part of that is because the US Navy no longer uses it as a rank, but it’s not like I know a large number of people who are in the Navy, so even if it were, I’m not sure that’d help. What I do know is that despite my Obligation from Birth as a Pittsburgher to oppose all things Cleveland, this is pretty solid.

And named for Oliver Hazard Perry, whose middle name was Hazard because he was just. that. metal.
So Vanderbilt’s up in the “strained association with a solid IPA category”. The Crimson’s mascot is John Harvard, and apparently looks like this, which I assume would have looked out of place even in the early 1600s.

They probably could have gone with something other than “visibly ill John Harvard”.
The closest I could find quickly in the beer category to compete is Peak Organic’s King Crimson, which seems to have middling reviews, but does allow me to post a video of King Crimson playing 21st Century Schizoid Man.



That’s not enough, I think, to win over the Commodore.


Vanderbilt advances.

#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #13 Montana Grizzlies

I am not going to make a honey badger joke. That would be hacky.

Badgers are pretty fierce, and Wikipedia claims that they can fight off bears, which would make for a pretty awesome nature documentary, though it’s sparse on details about whether that’s one on one, which is relevant for this bracket.

Grizzly bears, on the other hand, are 700 lbs of anger and association with picnic baskets and Werner Herzog. I presume Montana Grizzly Bears are also ruggedly individualist.
I’m going to have to go with sheer size and rage and go with the Grizzlies.

Montana advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, West, Round One, Part Two

#6 Murray State Racers vs. #11 Colorado State Rams

Both schools here have an actual, living mascot, which I think makes me a little uncomfortable about speculating about which one would win in a fight to the death.

Not so uncomfortable that I won’t proceed, though.


Murray State’s got Racer One, a disappointingly generically named Thoroughbred who makes me think we’re playing an arcade game from the early 90s. Cruis’n USA, maybe. Racer One apparently runs around the field following a touchdown, which isn’t relevant here, but is more interesting than sitting in stable all day getting fat off of the flesh of other mascots.

Colorado State’s got CAM the Ram, a bighorn sheep with an initialism for a name and some ridiculously curved horns.



Note: Sheep pupils are rectangular and I may or may not have an irrational fear of them.

So, yes, CAM would likely be able to cause some damage by headbutting Racer One, but he’s still a sheep, while Racer One’s filled with adrenaline from getting HBO to stop production on Luck. Plus, Racer One’s presumably got metal on his hooves, which seems like it’d hurt.

Murray State advances

#3 Marquette Golden Eagles vs. #14 Iona Gaels

I’m sorry. I’ve been doing this for years, and every time I get to Marquette, all I can see is this.



I know. They were the Screaming Eagles. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

It’s a little ridiculous, as Golden Eagles exist and seem to be able to fend for themselves pretty well without assistance from Jerry Van Dyke and Bill Fagerbakke, while Screaming Eagles are, I’m pretty sure, what you see when you have some sort of horrible drug interaction.

Falconry appears to have been practiced more widely among the Saxons than the Gaels, so Iona’s not going to be able to rely on simply being able to control the Golden Eagles, and I’m unfamiliar with any origin story that makes Hawkman a Gael (Ancient Egyptian prince or Space Policeman from Thanagar, sure, but never Gaelic). They did have weapons, though, while the eagle is going to have to try to rip apart its big creepy head.

I don’t see that happening, especially with all those damned teeth.

Iona advances

#7 Florida Gators vs. #10 Virginia Cavaliers

Cavman seems skeptical.



I assume he’s trying to figure out whether the right side of his hat is meant to evoke a feather or some sort of ridiculous fur trim.

Alligators are intimidating in that “reptiles shouldn’t be that large or keen on eating people” sort of way, and they’re at least somewhat more appropriate in Florida, where I understand they exist, than as the mascot for my alma mater, where they don’t.

On the other hand, the Cavalier explicitly has a sword, which gives him some range over the Gator and, I think, is enough for a victory.

Virginia advances

#2 Missouri Tigers vs. #15 Norfolk State Spartans

If nothing else, this is a better matchup than the Spartan/Blackbird match earlier this round. There aren’t tigers in Laconia as far as I know, so it’s possible that the Spartans wouldn’t quite know what to do with a tiger.

On the other hand, Tru, the Missouri Mascot looks like this:



I don’t know what it is, but that looks like the most vulnerable tiger I’ve ever seen. I think maybe the stripe above his eyes? Like he’s pleading for approval. And I’d like to give it to him, but this bracket is about survival and fighting prowess and utter nonsense, so I’ll assume the Spartan’s well trained enough to pull this off.

I’m sorry, Tru. It’s ok. I’ll get you some ice cream. Maybe next year.

Norfolk State advances

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - West, Round One, Part One

Quick note: The remaining first round sets will be split to avoid ludicrously long posts. And so I can sleep.

#1 Michigan State Spartans vs. #16 LIU Blackbirds
I think I’ve gotten to the point where I can hear “Spartan” and not have Gerard Butler be the only thing that comes to mind. I think that’s probably the romantic comedies at work; my Peloponnesian history isn’t what it should be, so I don’t know exactly how ancient Spartans would have responded to The Bounty Hunter, but I have to assume it wouldn’t have been pretty.

Spartan McNulty is displeased.

The Blackbirds, on the other hand, probably aren’t going to fare well against a guy with a sword wearing a cuirass. They’re fine as something for Paul McCartney to sing about, and seem to be pretty good at pestering Jon Snow for corn, but against an actual military unit, I’m afraid that the birds aren’t going to fare well.


Yes, I’m sorry. It’s ok. You can be even more dour now.


Michigan State advances.

#8 Memphis Tigers vs. #9 Saint Louis Billikens





So that’s a Billiken, then. I was really worried that I was missing something really basic about what in the world this is supposed to be, but Introduction to Charm Doll Fads of the Early 1900s That Appeared In the Dreams of an Art Teacher wasn’t required for my major, so it’s an area in which I know I’m deficient. It’s evidently a good luck… thing, which is good as something tells me that if the Billiken deems it, things can go south in a hurry. Then suddenly the Brady Bunch has to go back to St. Louis to return the Billiken because Bobby can’t leave well enough alone and it turns into a weird parable about how we have to care for and preserve St. Louis.

The Tigers are Tigers, I guess, but for some reason I assume the Billiken’s got anti-Tiger powers. Which would actually explain the 2006 World Series, so let’s run with that.

Saint Louis advances.

#5 New Mexico Lobos vs. #12 Long Beach State 49ers

We could sit here and debate the positives and the negatives of the California Gold Rush, but we won’t, because I don’t feel like reading enough about it to have a strong opinion one way or the other. I am relatively certain that Long Beach wasn’t involved in any actual gold rushing.

The Lobos, on the other hand have, presumably, Lobo.


This is what Glenn Danzig sees when he looks in the mirror.

I’m not sure what the 49ers have in the way of weaponry (Gold pans? Sieves? Maybe a pickaxe?), but I’m pretty sure that whatever it is, it won’t quite match up to the 1990s distilled into a single ridiculous character.

New Mexico advances.

#4 Louisville Cardinals vs. #13 Davidson Wildcats

I’ve already dealt with both Cardinals and Wildcats, and neither is terribly threatening. The Louisville Cardinal (somewhat disappointingly just named “Cardinal Bird”) has teeth, which is starting to make me think I’m wrong and that cardinals have teeth. I don’t think they do, but it’s such a consistent feature that it’s unsettling.



I don’t feel cheer from Cardinal Bird. I feel like I’ve wronged him.

The Wildcats, on the other hand, have this big grey thing with whiskers and detached cheeks? Or something? Gills? It does have little tufts of hair coming out of the tops of its ears, which makes me think they’re going for some kind of lynx, but frankly, I’m just sort of confused.



Deciding between the two entirely on which one I wouldn’t want to have cut off in traffic, I’ll have to give this to Cardinal Bird. He’s got a lot of anger, and I think that probably is the deciding factor in this.

Louisville advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, South, Round One

#1 Kentucky Wildcats vs. #16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

You know, I think I've probably been a little rough on Wildcats over the past few years. I'd been running with the "thing that's the same size as a domestic cat and mostly only tries to kill things smaller than it" definition without even considering the Lynx, which is at least somewhat larger, or the Bobcat. Or professional wrestler Wildcat Chris Harris. All completely legitimate interpretations, and there's really no excuse for having excluded those as possibilities to this point.


I’ll just stay over here, thanks. No. It’s not you. It’s me.

On the other hand, no matter what definition of wildcat I'm running with (like, say, the 1986 Goldie Hawn vehicle that was apparently the debut of Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson), the sad truth of the matter is that this wildcat had the poor fortune to run into Western Kentucky and I'm unreasonably excited about Big Red being back in the tournament. Big Red seems to be larger than most of the actual cats, and so probably wouldn't be targeted as prey and that professional wrestler I just found out exists is still a mere mortal. He'll have to sleep at some point, which is when I imagine Big Red will bound joyfully from the shadows to put this match to an end.

Western Kentucky advances

#8 Iowa State Cyclones vs. #9 Connecticut Huskies

Huskies are great. They're big, energetic dogs and I get the feeling that if I ever found myself in the arctic wilderness with a sled and a pack of huskies, I would die immediately because I am utterly clueless about how to handle that situation and they'd run away to safety, but they probably wouldn't be too condescending about the whole experience.

Really, it's remarkable that there exist a number of sports which amount to "tie dogs to mode of transit and have them run", if only for the jargon. Take the opening sentence from the Wikipedia article on "Bikejoring".

"Bikejoring is a dog mushing activity related to skijoring, canicross, and dog scootering."

Oh! Of course! Just like canicross and dog scootering. I'm glad we're all on the same page.

Cyclones, on the other hand, are a destructive force of nature. I was considering counting them out simply because of the recent tornado outbreak that's actually caused a lot of damage across the midwest because tornadoes can go to hell, but wasn't sure how to work around that if this is supposed to be mascot combat.

The solution is somehow a bird with teeth.

That’s where we are as a society.


Happily, Iowa State did that for me, because despite being named the Cyclones, their mascot is a Cardinal named Cy, who's apparently won some National Mascot Awards in a world where that is a thing that exists. As discussed previously, cardinals are certainly not a force of nature. They eat seeds. They're occasionally loud. They're easy to distinguish from the background. If it's mascot vs. mascot, Jonathan the Husky takes this in a walk.

Connecticut advances.

#12 Virginia Commonwealth Rams vs. #5 Wichita State Shockers
I like that after five years of doing this, I’m still finding mascots where I’ve got no idea what the hell they are. The Shockers were last in the tournament in 2006, just before I started doing this, and I’m woefully underprepared with regards to the Missouri Valley Conference. And so here we are.

Apparently, “Shockers” refers to early students shocking the wheat fields, which is what you call harvesting wheat fields if you’re a late 90’s Mountain Dew commercial. I’m going to assume WuShock has got some sort of electrical powers, like a second rate, more wheat-centric Black Lightning.


Black Lightning’s also got much better lapels.

The Rams seem a little mundane in comparison. Sure, they’ve got the big horns and the standing around and chewing grass (though I’m sure they might chew wheat if they had to), and I guess I could twist things around to construe them as some sort of battering ram, but I have no idea what Wichita has in the way of fortified city walls. I do know that I’ll jump on any chance to post a Toasters song.


Wichita State advances.

#4 Indiana Hoosiers vs. #13 New Mexico State Aggies

Good on New Mexico State for actually having a character to go along with the ever-present “Aggie” nickname. Sure, he’s got a jaunty vest and he makes me feel a little like I might have cheated him at poker without realizing it, but he’s present and I don’t have to make up some nonsense about the relative merits of students of Agricultural and Mechanical Colleges.



And what a moustache.

Hoosiers, as ever, are residents of Indiana. For the purposes of this matchup, let’s assume that’s Red Skelton. Now, Vaudevillians are frightening, but look at this. Does this look like the face of someone who’s going to deal well with Tom Selleck, New Mexico Ranger?



I sort of want to make the guy a pie.

Yeah, unarmed Red Skelton isn’t going to fair well here.

New Mexico State advances

#6 UNLV Rebels vs. #11 Colorado Buffaloes

I thought, when I was first looking through the bracket, that this wouldn’t really be a matter of who would win, but how accurate of a shot Hey Reb is behind his awesome, possibly sentient moustache. And then I finally got around to looking up what the actual mascot looks like.



Oh hey, it’s the last thing you see before you die. Terrific.


I’m not sure whether it’s the soulless eyes, or the barely visible yet still threatening teeth, or the goalie gloves. The moustache and hat don’t even come into it. There’s only one true response to Hey Reb. And that is to run as fast as you can. I’m sorry Buffaloes. It’s you or me, and I’ve got matchups to write.

UNLV advances

#3 Baylor Bears vs. #14 South Dakota State Jackrabbits
Interesting choice by South Dakota State, loading up on dexterity and putting basically nothing into strength. I guess the goal here would be to stay the hell away from the Baylor Bear until he gets bored and wanders into an active minefield just to feel alive.

The Jackrabbits do appeal to me, not because I’ve ever been to South Dakota, but in that I’m going to presume they were named in tribute to the wooden coaster at Kennywood. But even there, it winds up playing it too safe. Sure, it’s got the lift hill in the middle of the ride and a double dip (without which it’d be a even more toned down version of Racer without the Racing), but if this were a matchup between the Baylor Bears and the South Dakota State Thunderbolts, we’d have a matchup both in the Vengance of Zeus sense and the “Liable to cause internal injuries if you’re sitting on the wrong side” sense. Sadly, that’s not what we’ve got here, and there’s no way a straight up Jackrabbit/Bear fight ends in anything but calls to the next of kin of the rabbit.

Baylor advances.

#7 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #10 Xavier Musketeers

So the Xavier mascot is this guy.

He’s not actually cheerleading here. He’s just trying to tell anyone who will listen about the great deal he got on those boots.

As far as big foam rubber humans go, that’s actually pretty mild. He’s got puffy sleeves and a big goofy goatee, and he seems to be a French musketeer, which is a shame because the Xavier Redcoats would have filled this matchup with unintended political overtones. Presumably, the guy was selected from a pool of potential musketeers for his prowess in musketing, which is a hard field to get into but pays off with great benefits and the ability to wear culottes in public without getting harassed over it. The Fighting Irish on the other hand, have gone with a leprechaun instead of, say, a big, foam rubber Charles Stewart Parnell. Sure, he’s got that shillelagh, but the musketeer by definition has a musket, and I don’t know if a leprechaun’s abilities include being able to bat musket balls out of the air.

I don’t think that’s part of the package.

Xavier advances

#2 Duke Blue Devils vs. #15 Lehigh Mountain Hawks

And we’ve reached the part of the year where I don’t know what the hell to do with Duke. They’re either Australian flowers, French mountain infantry, a jazz band from Oklahoma or depression. Only one of those has any actual combat training, and that one (regretfully) isn’t the one that Count Basie used to be involved with. Mountain Hawks, as near as I can tell, are eagles native to the Indian subcontinent, which isn’t near Bethlehem, PA, but at least they’ve got the decency to be one easily identifiable thing.

They’re also called “Hodgson’s Hawk-Eagle”, which makes me think Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot might be involved, which fills me with glee.

Joel Hodgson, Benevolent Dictator

Just for that, actually, and because there’s a (slight) possibility that the Blue Devils might be a flower, Lehigh advances.

Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Play In Round

Every year I think I'll probably skip out on doing the mascot bracket because it's obnoxiously huge, takes up way too mch time and now that I'm actually gainfully employed, has basically no hope of being up in its entirety before Thursday when the tournament kicks off in earnest.

But every year, someone says something vaguely encouraging right before it's time to start this and I wind up spending a week writing frantically to break down completely meaningless matcups pitting one mascot against another in a fight to the death. Or whatever's more amusing to me. If I do the play in round (which I'd planend to skip but can't given the participants), there's 67 matchups, which means I'm thinking about mascots more than is probably healthy. Nonetheless, I was told I should do this, and it seems like a good way to force myself to post something again. So we're going to have the 5th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket. I'll try to interlink these posts as much as possible, so that if you're somehow coming into this late, you'll be able to determine how we've gotten where we are. I'm not promising that this'll be up in time to use as an actual bracket this year. You shouldn't use this as your guide for filling out your bracket if you have paid someone money for the privilege of filling out a bracket, as this is nonsense.

Hold on to your Hilltoppers, folks.

Post #1 - Play In Round

#16 Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils vs. #16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
Before starting this bracket, I'd more or less decided that I wouldn't be including the play-in round. Most bracket pools don't ask you to predict them, and skipping over the round entirely would shave four rounds off this writeup and give me a fighting chance at getting it all up before the tournament's over. And then I saw who the first play in round involves.



WHEE-HAH

I missed you, Western Kentucky. For my money, there's not a mascot in the NCAA who is more of a gleeful muppet than Big Red. Between his giant Pac-Man head and inexplicable thigh-pocket, Big Red inspires joy and unrelenting terror in all of us, depending on whether you have any hope of escape. The Delta Devils are fine, I guess, and I'msure they've got some sort of supernatural evil/mischeivous powers that could cause some trouble if I were letting them past this first round, but they also remind me of Delta Burke and Designing Women was never particularly threatening. If the name somehow evoked Jean Smart or Meshach Taylor, we might be on to something, but I really don't see how that's going to be enough to get me to advance Mississippi Valley State past Big Red and the Hilltoppers (which had better be the name of a student-run Big Band somewhere in Western Kentucky.)

Western Kentucky Hilltoppers advance, and the commonfolk rejoice.

#14 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #14 Iona Gaels

One nice thing about doing the play in round is that allows me to learn about schools and their accompanying mascots that I had no idea existed before. There's only so much I can come up with about, say, the Duke Blue Devils before I feel like I'm repeating myself from previous years (which probably doesn't matter as I'm guessing I lack multi-year readers, but feels wrong). Enter the Iona Gaels. It turns out that Iona is an island in the Inner Hebrides off the coast of Scotland, in addition to being a Catholic University in New Rochelle (which I believe is where The Dick Van Dyke Show is set). I wish I could give them points for the whiskey and puffins that inhabit the former, but according to the rules of the bracket that I'm making up on the spot, I can't.

Listen, cougars are big and terrifying, and I have no idea if pointing to another wall with a laser pointer is at all effective. I'm guessing it's not. I'd get into whether the Iona mascot has weapons, but, well, look at this.

GIVE IT WHATEVER IT WANTS.

I get it. Schools with human mascots will go with big foam rubber caricatures rather than a dude in a costume, because the latter looks as though they might not be officially affiliated with the school/society at large. But look at that smile. That is the stuff of nightmares. The way it's frozen on Killian the Gael's face is terrifying. Hell with winning the play in round, I'll just be happy if that lets me keep my skin where it is.

Iona Gaels advance

#16 Lamar Cardinals vs. #16 Vermont Catamounts

Catamounts! Cat-a-mounts! Catam-ounts. I'd thought this was just another name for the noble Puma, but apparently it's just a name for any medium-sized cat that hangs around mountains waiting for wayward explorers with tasty innards. Literally, it's just "Cat of the mountain" that got slammed together into Catamount. That's sort of disappointing, though I'm not sure why and I'm sure it's not the fault of the good people of Vermont.

The Cardinals are, for some reason, a popular mascot pick, though I'm not entirely sold on why. They're seed-eaters, so it's not as though they're going to fly down and tear the throat out of a cat o' the mountains and they're bright and have that fun crown, but that seems like it'd just make it easier for them to be seen. Lamar Cardinals sounds like a baseball player from the 1940's, but that's not who's up for the battle here. It's a fairly standard looking cardinal, though I do have to give Lamar credit for really defining the hell out of the eyes.

The Lamar Cardinal needs to get a good night of sleep. This is ridiculous.

Still, seed-eating bird versus one of many cats of the mountains doesn't really seem like a contest, does it?

Vermont Catamounts advance.

#12 California Golden Bears vs. #12 South Florida Bulls

I've been very outspoken in the past as to how much bears are basically monsters who will feel nothing as they tear you to pieces. That stands here, though apparently the California Golden Bear went extinct in 1921 when some Californians shot the last one. So I'm not sure I'm cool with them suddenly claiming to be really cool with the bear, but I suppose throwing it on their flag has got to count for something. Florida's flag doesn't have a bull on it, that's for damn sure. They've tacked their state seal onto it, which is fine and all but not really my cup of tea.

And the South Florida Hibiscus Flowers don't sound very threatening.

And while bulls do have that whole goring thing going for them, there are people that voluntarily get into an arena with bulls to stab them with darts and swords and generally be a dick to them until they're dead. I don't believe that happens so often with bears (or at least, Hemingway didn't see fit to write about bear/human fighting). So while Generic Bulls still exist where California Golden Bears do not, I'm going to go ahead and award this one to Cal.

California Golden Bears advance