Monday, March 24, 2014

Mascot Bracket 2014 - Round of 32 - Part One

#1 Florida Gators vs. #9 Pittsburgh Panthers

What's this? Two actually dangerous animals instead of an endless series of Wildcats? I'd started to think we were over that.

Florida still gets home-field by virtue of being the higher seed, which would normally be a large advantage, but I don't see any reason that the Pittsburgh Panther has to be Puma concolor and not a swamp-friendly subspecies like P. concolor coryi, the Florida Panther, who seems perfectly fine in a swamp.

Also, the events of the last few weeks (as well as, you know, '00-'06) allow for the mental image of Roberto Luongo wrasslin' gators, and that's just really fun.

He seems like he'd try earnestly, before someone younger tried to tag him out and then eventually gets moved to the Devils.

Pittsburgh advances.

#12 Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks vs. #13 Tulsa Golden Hurricane

Hurricanes are destructive forces of nature that occasionally destroy a city and millions of lives. I've never experienced one (having only lived in a hurricane-prone location for a short three-month stint in 2004, and even then, I was pretty far inland), but my impression is that they're pretty serious and awful.

But after they pass, we rebuild. We put our buildings back up and go on with our lives. And what do we do that with?

Concrete, probably. Lots of other building materials that I'm not sure of because I don't build buildings.

But probably some wood too, right? So lumberjacks? I guess. Sure.

Stephen F. Austin advances.

#11 Dayton Flyers vs. #14 Western Michigan Broncos

I'll admit, I'm a little biased toward Rudy Flyer. I think it's the fashionable jumpsuit. Maybe the goggles. Actually, the more I look at him, the more he looks like a Dr. Horrible henchman, which presumably exists in the expanded universe somewhere (provided that exists).

Broncos are great, but they're less mobile than basically anything Rudy Flyer is flying, and Buster Bronco seems to have been hitting the laudanum, so this is even less of an even match.

Buster's orange-crushing skills won't save him here.

Dayton advances.

#7 New Mexico Lobos vs. #15 Eastern Kentucky Colonels

It's time once again for me to wish that New Mexico's mascot was Los Lobos, and to lobby for that change by including Los Lobos in the post, preceded by Lou Diamond Phillips being Richie Valens.

I assume they're not purely because they're from Dixon, CA, and so we've got Lobo Louie. To be honest here, even though Kentucky Colonel is an honorific, chances are the guy's got a firearm, as gun ownership rates in Kentucky are just under 50%, so it's a coin flip.

I don't know that Louie Lobo has enough fight to compete with that, and I can only assume the lolling tongue will interfere somehow.

That's a safety hazard.

Eastern Kentucky Advances.

#1 Virginia Cavaliers vs. #9 George Washington Colonials

Well, this one's sort of circular. The (historical) Cavaliers predated Washington, but were Colonials (as they were in the Colony of Virginia). I could do a lot more research into the history of the Virginia Regiment and Washington's own views on the Cavalier's royalist aims (considering that his ancestors were royalists) or how the children of the Virginia Cavaliers would have changed their views in the context of Revolutionary War-era America.

But I'm not going to, because this is a silly mascot bracket.

If this is just "Virginia Milita vs. Virginia Militia with George Washington as a mascot", I'm guessing this ends with Washington allowing his fellow Virginians to continue on without him.

Virginia advances.

#5 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. #4 Michigan State Spartans

Even if the seeds were reversed and the Fightin' Binturongs got home-field advantage, I'm not sure there's much to be done here. The Spartans were really quite good at killing things, and as far as I can find, Bearcats mostly just smell like popcorn.

Adorable, just not particularly good against lots of swords.

Michigan State advances.

#11 Providence Friars vs. #14 North Carolina Central Eagles

I'd really just sort of started getting over the terror I felt at Friar Dom's dead-eyed gaze, but here we are again.


North Central Carolina's going with sort of a generic Bald Eagle, and I don't want to come off as unpatriotic here, but I'm just not all that excited about his prospects here. Sure, Friar Dom might not be able to stare into the depths of his soul and remove that part that makes the NCCU Eagle alive, but he's probably got some means of dealing with local wildlife. Friar Tuck had weapons; I don't see why Friar Dom wouldn't.

Providence advances.

#7 Connecticut Huskies vs. #15 Milwaukee Panthers

The Huskies' last win was mostly based on their endurance in adverse climates, and they're playing on home turf again. But while panthers aren't native to the tundra necessarily, these are from Milwaukee. That gains them a bonus both in resistance to cold and antipathy towards Cubs Fans.

It pains me to do this again, but I think "wild large cat" is going to have to win out over "sled-pulling dog".

Milwaukee advances.

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