Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Mascot Bracket 2014 - Round of 32 - Part Two

#1 Arizona Wildcats vs. #9 Oklahoma State Cowboys

I feel like at some point I should hide my bias against Wildcats. Hell, my graduate school uses the Wildcat as their mascot and I'm slightly worried that it's all some sort of vehicle for my own self-loathing, like if I just put Wildcats down enough, it will somehow free me of the doubt I have about my own ability, or at least about their own athletic conference.

Or the hat. Maybe its the hat.

Nope. That's not it. They're just poorly equipped cats that a cowboy would absolutely destroy on his way to trying to get cattle to do his bidding.

Oklahoma State advances.

#5 Oklahoma Sooners vs. #4 San Diego State Aztecs

I started to put a lot of thought into this. I started trying to figure out the status of horses in the Aztec Empire (from most of what I could find, horses died out during the Ice Age, so they didn't actually have horses; houwever, the myth about being astonished by Cortez when he showed up with horses is a myth spread by the Spanish forces of the time.)

Then I started to wonder why that particular line of inquiry felt so familiar.

And it's probably because the samematch up happened last year.

This hasn't gotten more OK in the interim.

So we'll go with precedent; guys with weapons and armor win over ponies.

San Diego State advances.

#6 Baylor Bears vs. #3 Creighton Blue Jays

Creighton advanced last round because the opponent was a pepper, but I'm really not seeing a way for a songbird to put up a fight against a bear. I'm positive there's a fable about that somewhere, though.

And really, I can't have the Blue Jays just continue on; it just makes me dwell on what would have happened if the Pirates had held on to Jose Bautista despite there being no indication that he'd turn into Jose Bautista.

Surely you could have started doing more of this a few hundred miles south.

Happily, though, it's a new year, the Pirates just had their first winning season since I was nine and they just put up 22 runs on the Jays in spring training. So while Creighton's Blue Jays still lose, I feel a little less bad about it.

Baylor advances

#10 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #15 American Eagles

I thought it'd be fun to just see who'd win in and actual fight by searching for "Cougar vs. Eagle" on YouTube.

I have just watched a video where a cougar kills an eagle while trance music plays in the background.

This, actually. Which, even though it was released in 2006, still makes me feel like the oldest possible person.

But it's ok. I never have to sleep again.

Brigham Young advances.

#1 Wichita State Shockers vs. #9 Kansas State Wildcats

I think you all know by now where this is going.

To my credit, though, I'm actually sort of following the rules I'd laid out at the beginning. Precedence counts; in this case, I've just had WuShock beat a tiger, and I really can't anticipate that the giant-headed Wildcat from Manhattan (that is, the one that's in Kansas) is going to do much better than a Tiger named Tommy.

Wichita State advances.

#5 Saint Louis Billikens vs. #13 Manhattan Jaspers

I'll grant that the Jaspers are dangerous, if only because I think Brother Jasper's probably unpredictable. For all I know, he could be merciless, though the story of noticing that everyone's a little tired and could use with a good stretch after 6.5 innings of baseball probably counts that out.

But again, here we are. The Billikens were named after a toy that looks like some sort of demon baby. But my stance is that the Billiken wouldn't have made it this long without knowing things. Dangerous things. Things you'd rather I didn't mention in this lighthearted blog.

Oh dear.

Saint Louis advances.

#11 Iowa Hawkeyes vs. #3 Duke Blue Devils

The Hawkeyes have had a pretty impressive run so far, taking out two actual military units despite their name meaning "the thing you call someone from Iowa if you think "Iowan" sounds strange, and also if you're JamesFenimore Cooper".

And really, who isn't?

And so, because I've locked the Blue Devils into the definition of "French Military Mountaineering Unit from the First World War", I've got to keep on running with this ridiculous, ridiculous streak.

Iowa advances.

#10 Arizona State Sun Devils vs. #2 Michigan Wolverines

I'm still unclear on what the Sun Devil can actually do. Pyromancy seems, I don't know, too forthright. But certainly there's got to be something other than growing Salvador Dali's moustache.

Yes, I'm aware that's a Van Dyke, but to be honest I'm too terrified to go back and clarify the difference.

Also, I went back and forth over making an impressively lame "splitting hairs" pun and putting it in the caption, and eventually decided that I should, but only in this note acknowledging that it was really, really lame and that you should not support that kind of low-grade nonsense.

I'm not even sure what the match being set in Michigan means here. Does Sparky lose his power if everything is frozen over? Perhaps, or maybe he just lures you into spending a lot of time in what precious little sunlight remains and you wind up being blinded by the glare from the snow.

Could go either way, but in the interest of facial hair, Sparky prevails.

Arizona State advances.

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