Murphspot Mascot Bracket 2015: East Region

#1 Villanova Wildcats vs. #16 Lafayette Leopards

We start this region of the bracket where the West left off, with differently sized cats. There isn't all that much interesting to say that doesn't break down to "Well, let's go with the larger cat, I guess" in most of these, but for some reason both Villanova's Will D. Cat and Lafayette's The Leopard have really intensely colored eyes.

Will D. Cat, as discussed in previous years, is clearly the Kwisatz Haderach, though I've got doubts about the Greater Philadelphia Metropolitan Area's spice reserves. Also, he might anger Sting.

I'm actually a little more frightened of angering Sting's hair.

The Leopard's got some manner of bright red eyes of rage thing going on, but even with the size advantage, Will D. Cat's eyes freak me out more and make me want to not anger him so early on in the bracket.

Villanova advances.

#8 North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. #9 Louisiana State Tigers

I realize that just in my last post, I deducted points for a silly hat. In my defense, and in keeping with the integrity of the current state of mascot hat analysis, Wilbur's floppy Stetson was trying for something and not quite achieving it. Mr. Wuf's sailor hat isn't trying to be something it isn't. It knows its limitations. It simply is.

I sort of feel as though they want to go antiquing. Which I'm fine with.

I like Mike the Tiger. I've walked by Mike's habitat (though that would have been the previous Incarnation of Mike), and he's, from what I can tell, a very capable tiger.

If this were a single wolf on tiger fight, it'd be Mike without a doubt. Against a wolfpack, though, I imagine this turns out like the Dawn of the Dead remake, and Mike to his opponent simply because there are too many to fight.

North Carolina State advances.

#5 Northern Iowa Panthers vs. #12 Wyoming Cowboys.

You know what? I give up.

Everyone has Pistol Pete as their mascot, and I'm starting to think Pistol Pete is the Borg. Soon, the Pistol Pete Cube will find us, assimilate us into its collective, and then we'll all be Pistol Pete.

I don't know if it's worth it to resist. Maybe I should embrace the moustache. Maybe Pistol Pete has been with all of us all along.

Maybe Pistol Pete guards the secret to happiness. Maybe Pistol Pete is serenity.

Regardless, I can't come up with a way to have the Panthers advance. Pistol Pete is victorious. Pistol Pete is life.

Pistol Pete.

Wyoming advances.

#4 Louisville Cardinals vs. #13 UC Irvine Anteaters

I mean, for a cardinal, Cardinal Bird is pretty frightening. A cardinal took up residence outside one of the windows in my apartment last year apparently because he liked to mock the cat, but if he'd had human-shaped teeth in his beak I'd have quietly packed up everything I owned, gotten in my car and driven until there were no more roads.

Still not as frightening as Adam Wainwright.

As far as I know, anteaters don't pose that much danger to things that aren't ants. And to preserve the sanctity of the Mascot Bracket, it might be that Peter the Anteater can't come out of this victorious.

On the other hand, this is the sort of thing we like to encourage here at the Mascot Bracket. We live for the Anteaters of the tournament. For the mascots that thankfully aren't the most popular choices in mascotdom (Bears, Cats and Pistol Pete, evidently). Having seen Peter the Anteater in action, I'm going to trust to his guile. It seems cruel to limit him to eating ants.

Peter the Anteater's resourcefulness beats out Cardinal Bird's terror.

UC Irvine advances.

#6 Providence Friars vs. #11 Dayton Flyers

Leaving aside the Friars/Flyers linguistic note for a second, I'd like to remind everyone that Friar Dom is in your closet while you sleep and is just waiting for an opportunity to devour your soul with his unblinking Friar Stare.

There is no escape.

That said, the Friar's main method of attack seem to be charity, humility and studiousness, while the Flyers have got at least some capacity for an aerial assault.

Dayton advances.

#3 Oklahoma Sooners vs. #14 Albany Great Danes

This doesn't seem like a fight. This seems like the beginning of a credit sequence about a man, his dog, and the Indian Appropriations Act of 1889. Maybe with Nick Offerman guest starring as President Grover Cleveland.

I'd like an HBO documentary about President Cleveland's bow ties.

If we're talking about an actual fight between Boomer and Sooner and Damien the Great Dane, it'll be close. Despite being Welsh Ponies, I'd have to assume that Boomer and Sooner can probably kick pretty hard. Damien's probably quicker on his feet and has the agility to deal with a pair of ponies, but then I'm sitting here trying to imagine a dog and pony fight and the whole enterprise is just sort of bizarre.

I'm going with the one that has the steel on its feet.

Oklahoma advances.

#7 Michigan State Spartans vs. #10 Georgia Bulldogs

Again, I don't hate dogs. I swear I don't. I even like Uga as a dog in particular. He seems pleasant, and if I recall showed up in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, so there's the additional factor of a literary CV.

And I wish I could give this one to him. But no matter how many millennia of advances in military technology the Spartans don't have access to, he's still got a sword and he's fighting a domesticated dog.

I'm going to continue to just pretend the Spartan mascot is actually McNulty in a toga.

I feel bad about it, but there's no way around the result here.

Michigan State advances.

#2 Virginia Cavaliers vs. #15 Belmont Bruins

Bears for the most part do relatively well in the Mascot Bracket, in part because I have no idea how I'd react to coming across a brown bear in the wild. Even one as seemingly genial as Bruiser would probably immediately destroy me, and then Werner Herzog would narrate something about the fleeting nature of life. Or chickens.

Is that video entirely unrelated? Sure. But now you've seen it, and your life has been improved. Also, this Mascot Bracket might be a chicken.

But I'm not CavMan. I certainly don't have CavMan's hat, nor his ability to, I assume, swing in like Errol Flynn and eviscerate his enemies.


Virginia advances.

Murphspot Mascot Bracket 2015: West Region

#1 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #16 Coastal Carolina Chanticleers

Even more than I like mascots that are crafted from out of nowhere (either as an obscure animal or based on an early 20th century toy), I can get behind a mascot that seems like it resulted from a committee one-upping itself. Sticking sort of near the concept of the Gamecock used elsewhere in the University of South Carolina system wasn't enough.

"Let's make it a rooster!"

"No, wait. Let's make it a blue rooster!"

"No. Hold on. You guys. You guys. Let's make it a Chaucerian blue rooster."

"This is why we put you on the Committee, Chair of the English Department."

I know that this is supposed to be a fight to the death, but to be honest, I'm not sure that the Chanticleer doesn't wield some sort of unspeakable rooster magic. I'm sorry, Bucky.

And now I really wish a team of Foxes was available in this part of the bracket.

Coastal Carolina advances.

#8 Oregon Ducks vs. #9 Oklahoma State Cowboys

On the face of it, I'm not sure there should be much of a fight here. On one hand, waterfowl. On the other, The Second Incarnation of the Eldritch Pistol Pete.

I've never been too sure about the OK State Pistol Pete; primarily because he looks a little more plastic and melty, but he's still got a gun.

His eyes follow you no matter where you move. I don't just mean while you're looking at the screen. I mean permanently and always. 

I've tried to research historical interactions between Cowboys and Ducks, and it appears that the closest one can get to the topic is "Ducks of the West", Season 1, Episode 36 of DuckTales, wherein Scrooge's oil reserves dry up and I presume he goes after Daniel Day-Lewis.

The important thing to note is that there were apparently way more episodes of DuckTales than I'd have guessed.

But yes. Guns.

Oklahoma State advances.

#5 Arkansas Razorbacks vs. #12 Wofford Terriers

So, I've lived in Chicago for around a decade now, and I know this is going to be difficult to believe, but it's left me sort of lacking in knowledge about feral pigs.

I know.

I'm not really sure how frightening they are (although the term Razorback is pretty great), and most of what I've found on the subject seems to be that they're really, really annoying if you're a farmer/rancher. I get that.

Terriers, though, are not something I'd imagine are up to the task of actually fighting the feral pigs. Finding? Sure. Barking at? Absolutely. Actual feral pig combat?

I'm sorry, Terriers.

Arkansas advances.

#4 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. #13 Harvard Crimson

And so we've arrived at another "team named after denizens of the area" mascot. In this case, at least, Rameses exists, who I presume was the result of some manner of B-horror movie wherein the Pharoah attempts to preserve his consciousness to allow future generations to experience his greatness directly, but there's a radioactive ram? I guess? And then here we are.

Look upon my works, ye mighty, and applaud politely.

The Crimson could be argued as, maybe, the aftermath of the field of battle once John Harvard is done with you. But, at the end of the day, we've got some sort of ram-man fighting an early 17th century clergyman.

North Carolina advances.

#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #11 Brigham Young Cougars

What's that? The actual tournament's already begun and this is now impossible? Fie, I say.

Here's the thing with the Musketeers. They've got military training. They're armed. And they've got the all-important Facial Hair Category in their favor.

Also, boot cuffs.

The argument you could make for the Cougars is that muskets themselves may not be terribly accurate, and it's possible that when going through the whole rigamarole with the ball and the powder and the ramrod, the Cougars could have a chance to strike.

I'm going to give the Musketeer the benefit of the doubt and presume he's got secondary armament and sufficient sass to prevail here.

Xavier advances.

#3 Baylor Bears vs. #14 Georgia State Panthers

Damn you, Bear vs. Big Cat.

The thing is, bears are effectively monsters with razor claws and a thirst for blood. So that's one thing. The Georgia State Panther, on the other hand, is an unnatural shade of blue that leads me to believe he's either got some sort of additional Blue Panther abilities or he's just really, really into Manic Panic.

These are always a tossup, but while I feel like I can't quite predict either opponent, I've only heard of one of them getting stuck in the entry to a Sears at the mall.



Georgia State advances.

#7 Virginia Commonwealth Rams vs. #10 Ohio State Buckeyes

On one hand, you've got a sheep. A horned sheep, sure, and one who's named Rodney, which is one of the better mascot names in the bracket.

On the other, you've got a nut. Or a delicious peanut butter and chocolate confectionery, but I'm going to presume Brutus is instead the actual nut. Buckeyes are poisonous, so Brutus' only real method of attack is waiting to be eaten, which it seems likely that a ram like Rodney might be vulnerable against.

Frankly, I don't really buy it, Brutus.

But that really seems like a loss for both parties. Sure, the ram is sort of sick, but the buckeye's been eaten. Instead, I think this ends with Rodney sort of nudging Brutus away and then going about his day.

Virginia Commonwealth advances.

#2 Arizona Wildcats vs. #15 Texas Southern Tigers

I don't want to besmirch the honor of the noble Wilbur and Wilma. Of the Wildcats in the bracket, though, for some reason I don't feel like I can trust Wilbur. I think it's either because his eyes are shaded by his characteristic Stetson, or because what I believe is supposed to be a Stetson occasionally gets a little too floppy and starts heading toward the dreaded "Bucket Hat" territory, and if that's the case, he's likely to wind up stranded on an island despite visits from the Harlem Globetrotters.

Maybe some starch would help?

But, despite the direction I've gone with some of these today, this is a fight to the death and frankly, small feral cat doesn't stack up well against a 400 pound cat, no matter what kind of headwear is involved.

Texas Southern advances.

Murphspot Mascot Bracket 2015: Midwest Region

#1 Kentucky Wildcats vs. #16 Hampton Pirates

So, in reality, Kentucky has a great team and was undefeated in the regular season and there is effectively no chance they'll lose this game, regardless of their opponent. The most the #16 seed can hope for is to put in a good showing and to face the wrath of Ashley Judd. Or Alison Lundergan Grimes instead, I guess.


But we are not in reality. We are in the mascot bracket, and feral Kentucky cats are not going to be much of a match for the delightfully Jaunty Blue Pirate of Destruction

Yo-ho? Yo-ho.

Hampton advances.

#8 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. #9 Purdue Boilermakers

As always, my favorite aspect of Cincinnati making the tournament is the opportunity to point out that their mascot smells like buttered popcorn. Is that relevant to a fight to the death with, apparently, a train? No. It isn't. But it's fun.

Fun fact: The butter flavoring gel pump at the movie theater is just chock full of binturong.

I could invoke the longstanding rule that the higher seed gets home-field advantage (which would allow the Fightin' Binturongs to pick anywhere that wasn't on a rail line to face the Boilermaker, but that isn't how the Binturong wants to go through life. He wants the battle, even if it's against a few tons of steel and fury.

Purdue advances.

#5 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #12 Buffalo Bulls

I'm going to say that I really don't understand the city of Buffalo's aversion to just using the noble Buffalo as a mascot. At least, I guess, with Victor E. Bull, you're getting what you've paid for in that it's actually an anthropomorphic bull, rather than switching out the team name but still incorporating buffalo into the iconography (I'm looking at you, Sabres and Bills).

That said, this one's fairly quick. WVU's mountaineer calls to mind more of a hunter/trapper aesthetic than someone who's climbing things for sport, so I can't imagine a brightly colored bull will pose much challenge.

West Virginia advances.

#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #13 Valparaiso Crusaders

I've got to give credit for Maryland for not just having a turtle, but picking a small subsection of turtledom and planting their flag.

So, not so much "fueled with battle rage" as "angry at having been woken up".

It'd probably help in this scenario if they hadn't picked one that, according to Wikipedia, doesn't really get to be larger than about a foot.

Valpo's Crusader may have a non-standard color scheme, but I imagine he's also got some sort of armored boot. Or a warhammer? He might have a warhammer!

Pictured: Guy who probably has a warhammer.

Valparaiso advances.

#6 Butler Bulldogs vs. #11 Texas Longhorns

And then there are matches like this where I don't want the mascots to fight. I want the mascots to team up and solve crime. The old, callous Texas Longhorn, a few weeks from retirement, is partnered with the young, idealistic bulldog and sent off to find out... something.

Probably something involving Big Red as a crime boss.

Whee-hah! You'll never catch me alive!

If they must fight, though, I'm not seeing a way for the bulldog to win. If nothing else, I'd think it's the longhorn in a "stepped on his opponent accidentally" KO.

Texas advances.

#3 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #14 Northeastern Huskies

I always worry that when I write this stuff, I come across as anti-dog. I'm not anti-dog. I love dogs. I am fully aware that if a Husky were angry with me, it would be able to tear me apart, without even really exerting itself. They'll run through the Alaskan wilderness dragging a sled; as of this writing, they're actually currently doing that. I can't do that. I can barely make it to my car in Chicago in the winter without breaking down in tears.

I don't have a shillelagh, though.

For the sake of all Chicago, no one must ever introduce the shillelagh to Wrigleyville.

Notre Dame advances.

#7 Wichita State Shockers vs. #10 Indiana Hoosiers

Indiana's fine. And I have nothing against the denizens of Indiana. Everyone I know from Indiana is, by and large, pretty awesome. That said, going with "residents of the area" as the mascot for your team always seems a little off. I don't doubt that the hardworking people of Indiana could put up a fight, but there's something to be said for mascot style.

In most matchups, that wouldn't be that big an issue. But most don't involve a Wheat Golem.
I'm sorry, Indiana. Wichita State takes it on chutzpah.

I sort of wish there were a large genre of agricultural horror movies, and that WuShock rules as king.

Wichita State advances

#2 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #15 New Mexico State Aggies

Ah, Pistol Pete. Or, rather, the NMSU Pistol Pete, as legally distinct from the Oklahoma State Pistol Pete.

He seems kind of angry, and I don't understand how a man could be that angry and have that moustache.

I like the Jayhawks. I'm sure that if I saw a mythical bird wearing shoes with buckles on them coming at me in a dark alley, I would weep and then die, preemptively. But as much as I don't wish to discredit the noble Jayhawk, this avatar of the Greater Pistol Pete Entity has a sweet moustache and some pistols. And you can't bring a beak to a gunfight.

New Mexico State advances.

Murphspot Mascot Bracket 2015: Intro and First Four

It's that time of year again; the time during which I post some attempts at humor in the form of battles to the death between mascots of various colleges and universities in an attempt to divine the Champion of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.

I long ago gave up on actually putting this together in time to actually fill out a bracket, so if you're using this as an actual guide in your office pool, you shouldn't do that. That's a terrible idea on several levels. 

Links below to each section of the bracket as they are published, but let's get things started.

First Four (Or, More Writing for Me, I guess. (Or, The Silver Skates))

#16 Hampton Pirates vs. #16 Manhattan Jaspers

Every year that I do this, I look forward to dealing with mascots where the school hasn't gone the well-trod "Bear/Big Cat/Elder Thing" route. Like your UCLA Bruins, your Missouri Tigers, or your Nyarlathotep University Fightin' Crawlin' Chaoses. Hampton's got a blue (and from their logo, pleasingly circular) seaman with guns and swords and things, and Manhattan's got a Franciscan who used to coach baseball there (and is apparently a claimant to having been the inventor of the Seventh Inning Stretch). I imagine he's got a bat, but this doesn't go his way.

He's sadly caught off guard while singing about Cracker-Jack.


Hampton advances.

#11 Boise State Broncos vs. #11 Dayton Flyers

Listen, Boise State. I get it. You like things really, really blue, and I support that. And of terms one can use to describe a horse, Bronco is up there. Certainly better than the Boise State Foals Who are Learning To Walk and It's Adorable.

* To be fair, humans are nowhere near as good at moving around on our own in the first few hours after being born. 
But Dayton has a ridiculous man with goggles and a pilot's license. No contest.

Apparently he's also welding at some point? I'm not sure why the tint on the goggles.

Dayton advances.

#16 North Florida Ospreys vs. #16 Robert Morris Colonials

So the Ospreys are new. I don't think I've ever had to write about them before, though I've probably considered them in my own, private mascot deathmatch considerations, what with the Osprey being a sea hawk and Seattle being a thing. As much as I want to like Ozzie the Osprey, though, the Colonials presumably have a gun and a yearning to assert their rights as Englishmen.

"Robert Morris circa 1876" by Ole Erekson
Financier, Founding Father and Enemy to all Ospreys

Robert Morris advances.

#11 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #11 Ole Miss Rebels

Oh hey, it's a Bear vs. Big Cat fight. A fight between a cougar and an antebellum plantation owner would have been interesting both logistically and politically, but here we are. I'm tempted to start flipping coins for the "large animal with claws" fights, but I don't think I need to here. Rebel Black Bear has two strikes on him. First, the name. I get that there was resistance to retiring Colonel Reb, but "Rebel Black Bear" is just this side of "Fierce School Mascot #5".

 Second, he's wearing slacks. I'm sorry. No.

I mean, if he were fighting Captain Dockers, maybe, but as it stands, no.

Brigham Young advances.

Mascot Bracket 2014: Elite Eight, Final Four and Championship

Elite Eight

#11 Dayton Flyers vs. #12 Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks

Dayton has been more or less cruising, and it might make sense to have them do well here; they're up against another human opponent who is defined by their vocation, but arguably have the better tools.

Here's the thing. The Dayton Flyers are named as such because the Wright brothers were from Dayton and if there's one thing Ohio license plates indicate that they're proud of, it's being the birthplace of people who later flew things elsewhere.

But the eponymous Flyer was made out of giant spruce.

A marvel of engineering, but a little too choppable in this one instance.

It's like Dayton's convinced the Guardians to give them a Green Lantern ring and they wind up in a bracket with Sinestro/Parallax/A Schoolbus/whatever the hell is going on in that series these days and is yellow.

Stephen F. Austin advances.

#1 Virginia Cavaliers vs. #15 Milwaukee Panthers

You could very reasonably count out the Cavaliers; they're counting on relatively basic firearms and enormous collars. Poofy shirts and long curly hair paired with moustaches. I mean, have a look at Prince Rupert here.

On the other hand, I don't know. There's something Errol Flynn-y about CavMan.

Seems like the sort of guy to shout "Tally-ho!" at the slightest provocation.

Like he might look at the Panther, swing in on the sort of rope that's just always waiting there to be swung on, make with the elaborate swordwork and continue swinging. Then he'd go sailing, evidently.

Virginia advances.

#9 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. #6 Baylor Bears

I'd give Baylor much more of a shot here if the Mascot Bear were actually the algae green color of the Logo Bear. Unfortunately, he's just sort of a bear.

Not that Pistol Pete is terribly unique (especially as he's moonlighting for New Mexico State). On the other hand, he's decked out in orange, which makes him look a bit like a traffic cone but also speaks to his dedication to hunting safety. That kind of planning goes a long way.

Oklahoma State advances.

#1 Wichita State Shockers vs. #12 Arizona State Sun Devils

I'd considered knocking out the Shockers during the last round, what with the Sorcery and all, but was convinced to keep WuShock around purely because I wanted an excuse to post this mashup of Wu Tang and Hall and Oates.

Yes, that first track *is* both C.R.E.A.M. and Maneater, and it has changed your life.

On the other hand, despite being terribly vague about what the capabilities of a Sun Devil are, I'm pretty sure he's probably got some sort of heat/drought powers. Wheat doesn't do too well in that scenario.

Arizona State advances.

Final Four

#12 Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks vs. #1 Virginia Cavaliers

Despite the swashbuckling exploits of CavMan, he's still going up against a foe from a few hundred years in his future. In this case, that means a dude in a sleeveless flannel shirt from Texas who's got an axe with a face on it.

I'm not sure if it plays in his favor that the axe is mad, or if that will make the axe more reckless.

Even if we assume the Lumberjack's only weapon is the axe (which seems silly, as Texas has some really permissive gun laws), I still don't think this turns out well for CavMan. If nothing else, the Lumberjack just moves a wood chipper into the trajectory of the rope CavMan's swinging into battle on.

Stephen F. Austin advances.

#9 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. #10 Arizona State Sun Devils

Good on Pistol Pete for making it this far. He's got sort of deep-set, terrifying eyes and I'm not sure I trust a man that wears *that* much fringe on his chaps in 2014, but he's got a mustache that wavers between handlebar and "has just been in a fistfight" and a large enough belt buckle. He also appears to be wearing a tablecloth around his neck.

But what gets me here is the hat. I've only nailed the Sun Devils down to "vague heat-powers" and it's just that the hat looks sort of, well, melty.

It's the facial lines. I just realized. That's what sends Pistol Pete barreling straight into the Uncanny Valley.

I doubt the ability of that particular Stetson to adequately protect Pistol Pete from the rampant menace that is heat exhaustion.

Or maybe it's just that I've forgotten what warmth feels like and am biased towards whatever's above freezing.

Arizona State advances.

2014 Murphspot Mascot Bracket Championship

#12 Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks vs. 

#10 Arizona State Sun Devils

Despite the appearance we like to give off at Murphspot Industries that each ranking is accurately calculated from a number of factors, including a list of parameters that I won't bore you with here, a small component is a variable that I'll term "making this up as I go along and then immediately posting so that I can go to bed/shout at people on the internet who are clearly wrong".

Because of that small factor, there's not a huge amount of adherence to established literary tropes that could probably make this a lot more coherent. Storylines aren't maintained well, and I'll change my mind based mostly on whether I'm sleepy/tired/too cold/too hot.

Here, I could go with Arizona State on the basis that the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjack is exposing himself to a lot of harmful UV by discarding the his sleeves, and cite studies that I'd probably have to make up that exposure to the sun is one of the highest risk factors for lumberjacks.

But this is about more than that. This is about a force of nature against the industrial drive of man; this is about the virtues of hard work over being able to set things on fire with a point of your trident. This is about creepy, creepy eyes on your face against still pretty creepy eyes on your axe. This is about the right of all people to go sleeve-optional in an open and free society. This is good over evil.

This is about Freedom.

This is about Lumber.

YOUR 2014 MURPHSPOT MASCOT BRACKET CHAMPIONS

STEPHEN F. AUSTIN LUMBERJACKS.

Mascot Bracket 2014 - Sweet Sixteen

#9 Pittsburgh Panthers vs. #12 Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks

You know, I've considered whether I've had the Panthers move on because of some subconscious bias toward them, but I don't think that's the case. What do I care about having a team from Pittsburgh make it deep into the bracket?

I have no idea what could possibly lead to that conclusion.

Here though, I'm afraid that I have to give it to Stephen F. Austin. Presumably, part of the logging trade is dealing with wildlife, and if a panther is coming at you, and you've got a chainsaw, I imagine that qualifies as self-defense (if, you know, cartoonish).

And so, as it was in the famous Iceburgh v. Van Damme, this is going to have to go to the human.

Stephen F. Austin advances.

#11 Dayton Flyers vs. #15 Eastern Kentucky Colonels

You know, I know that "Kentucky Colonel" is a title of honor, but I'm not really sure what that implies. Happily, the Colonel Toast highlights some of the qualities of a Colonel. 

To excerpt in case you don't feel like clicking a link, it mentions a dedication to the good things in life. It paints a picture of a gallant, patriotic individual, standing for virtue in a world darkened by hatred and misunderstanding; a symbol for inspiration and a goal to strive towards.

Unfortunately, it doesn't mention anti-aircraft capabilities.

Dayton advances.

#1 Virginia Cavaliers vs. #4 Michigan State Spartans

This is where the Spartans usually tend to trip up; they get along ok against the earlier, usually harmless-animal mascots and the endless fields of Wildcats and then run into trouble when they find a military force from a later point in history than them.

Well, for certain values of "Spartan", anyway.

Yes, the Spartans had nifty shields and short swords and big long "You really ought to stay about nine feet that way" spears, but the Cavaliers would have had actual firearms. Muskets and flintlock rifles and some larger "punch a hole in your silly phalanx" cannons and things.

Virginia advances.

#11 Providence Friars vs. #15 Milwaukee Panthers

Providence has mostly been skating by on the fact that Friar Dom absolutely terrifies me, but this seems like it might actually not go in his favor. 

I'm going to keep including this in a futile attempt to conquer my fear. It isn't working.

I mean, I'm taking a risk here, and I'm probably going to have my soul devoured for this, but I'm just not seeing how he fends off a panther attack. The white cloth habit isn't going to confer any defensive bonuses and aside from creeping me out, I don't imagine there's much he can do with "humility" as a weapon.

In the end, he's a cleric where we need at the very least some manner of mage, or at the very least a ranger or two.

Milwaukee advances.

#9 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. #4 San Diego State Aztecs

I appreciate San Diego's headgear. To be honest, I'd be all for a return to eagle-shaped helmets in a wide variety of sport and non-sport context.

The simple fact here is that the Cowboy turned up about three centuries later than the height of power of the Aztec empire, and Oklahoma State's mascot is so into his gun that he's named after it. 

Pistol Pete is victorious.

Oklahoma State advances.

#6 Baylor Bears vs. #10 Brigham Young Cougars

Oh hey! Actual large scary animals that could actually get into a fight in reality. It probably says something about where I've taken this bracket that "Bear vs. Cougar" at this point seems less obvious to me than "Wheat vs. Billiken".

Baylor's definitely got the size advantage. I would give Brigham Young speed, but part of the horror of bears is that they're pretty quick. The only advantage, then, that the Cougars have is probably in stealth, and it's just not enough here. 

He's also an unsettling shade of green, so that's concerning.

Baylor advances.

#1 Wichita State Shockers vs. #5 Saint Louis Billikens

I can't quite figure out WuShock, but between the bright golden logo and the "Wu" prefix, I'm prepared to disregard the fact that he dates to the late 1940's (having previously been an unnamed shock of wheat) and assume he's Raekwon's spirit animal.

Cash Rules Everything Around Wichita

I know I've been banking on the presumption that the Billiken has some sort of mystical power here, and I don't mean to demean that. It's just that WuShock may be able to call in some formidable assistance here, and the RZA is sort of Batman.

Wichita State advances.

#11 Iowa Hawkeyes vs. #10 Arizona State Sun Devils

And so it finally comes to an end. I went with Iowa in the first round on extremely questionable grounds (considering that it was militia vs. bird or, at best, militia vs. Alan Alda). 

The Iowa Alan Aldas would walk away with this tournament.

But at this point, I can't push them along any longer. I still don't know what a Sun Devil does exactly. Maybe changes the ecosystem so that the rodents Herky presumably lives off of are unable to thrive, thereby denying the Hawk of his food supply?

Sure, let's go with that.

Arizona State advances.