I'm On A Boat In The Middle of the Aegean Sea

It’s almost too much to process.

We decided against taking a short plane ride (apparently about an hour) from Athens to Santorini, opting instead for an eight (or, apparently ten, if the guy who hops on the announcements every so often is who you go to for this sort of information). We pass islands pretty regularly, and we’ve made one of our two stops on the way to Santorini, at Paros, which the travel guide we bought (which has all of two pages on Santorini) describes as being easy to explore and having a “trendy fishing village”. I’m not sure what that phrase means. Anytime you say to me that I’m about to enter a “trendy fishing village”, I’m going to stare at you like you’re insane.

We got up to the top deck, which was cold as we set off at 7:30am, but has gotten warmer. We picked a largish table with benches, which people kept walking up to, contemplating and passing until a French couple decided to stop screwing around and sit down. Which is good. I’ve been alternately reading a book (American Gods, which I should have read by now) and attempting to sleep in a variety of ineffective but no doubt hilarious poses. It’s actually a pretty lightly packed boat, so there are a bunch of seats inside in what appears to be the interior of an airplane, but on a boat, which has wall chargers. So I’m writing here.

I had been warned before we left that it’d be hard to actually get to the boat once we were at the port, but that doesn’t seem to be the case at all, really. Getting to the port, however, was entirely different. I thought that it’d be easy. We just take the Red Line from Metaxourghio to Addison Omonia, then transfer to the Green Line which would take us all the way to Piraeus. This didn’t happen. We took the Red Line to Omonia, then hauled our 50-lb suitcase up two sets of stairs to get back to just under street level, where we were informed by a bunch of construction equipment and tape that the Green Line connection was closed. There was probably some warning of this, but it was evidently in Greek, or I was inattentive. There are signs in English everywhere (as well as the metro announcements taking place both in Greek and English), but apparently, I missed it. So we went back down to where we came from and boarded the train back towards Aghios Dimitrios to get to Syntagma, where we could transfer to the blue line, which we would take to Monastiraki, where there was a working Green Line connection according to the guy in the booth at Omonia.

This all miraculously worked, but there was a lot of running and sweating. The Green Line train at Monastiraki hung out at the station for about five minutes (which added to the Panicked Ryan expression I’d had for the past half hour of being on every train that exists), but we were eventually on our way to Piraeus. We went into a ticket office, but not the one that had the tickets we’d purchased, so we ran out to pick up everything near the boat. Happily, there were a bunch of vendors selling bread and donuts so, bread in hand, we boarded.

We’ve got a stop coming up at Naxos (which the guide tells me is the largest of the Cyclades, and which The DK Eyewitness Travel Guide felt was worth two and a half pages) and from there on to Santorini. We’ve already seen some of the white, blue-domed churces on Paros, and Jordan recorded some of the ridiculous disembarkation music that plays when the loading hatch is being opened.

Now, to try for sleep and hope we eventually find Santorini.

Riot Gear and Souvlaki

To recap: the plan was to wake up relatively early, head up to the Acropolis and walk around until roughly 2:30, then head back to the hotel where, hopefully, Jordan would be waiting. We didn’t have any way to contact her as we don’t have cell phones that work, and we knew that Jordan wasn’t traveling with any sort of computer. So we left a note, explaining our plans, with the hotel clerk.

Also to recap: We woke up at 6:30 am, and it turns out that wandering around and trying to stay hydrated will make you sleep. Luckily, when we woke up, Jordan had arrived and managed to find our hotel, and rented a room. We headed out back to Plaka because we were comfortable with it and it’s touristy and we needed food, because we’d gotten into the habit of not eating ever, which is different from how things normally go.

The problem with looking for food while you’re hungry is that you’ll invariably try to stop at the first place that looks even somewhat reasonable. We picked a restaurant that had Coca-Cola seat covers, because we thought somehow that meant that it wouldn’t be terribly expensive.

Maybe Coca-Cola is subsidizing souvlaki restaurants for the aid of tourists.

It turns out that no, that’s not an indication of the amount of money you’ll be spending. Entrees were somewhere in the neighborhood of 18€ . That’s no good. So we awkwardly got up, handed the menus back to the guy who’d seemed so excited about a few new clients and walked across the square, where we found a more reasonable souvlaki place (Ithaki!). As far as somewhat-reasonable-but-still-more-expensive-than-street-food, it sufficed. We all ordered the beef-and-lamb gyros plate, which it turns out is a lot of food and, in our rush to get something we knew was somewhat Greek, we didn’t actually get to try anything other than that. Which is a shame. Mustard instead of tzatiki, though, which was new.

Across the street, we noticed a policeman. Then several more. Then they got riot shields and masks. With the oblivious nature of tourists, we assumed that everything was fine, finished our meal, and walked away from the restaurant to explore the rest of Plaka. In search of a gelato shop, we found our way through the winding streets to Monastiraki, and an apparently closed flea market, which I’m fine with. The square was lined with little souvenir shops, and seats on the wall were apparently at a premium, though when we found some, they were overlooking another glass-covered part of archeological Athens.

It’s a whole level of old that I’m not sure what to do with.

We wound our way back thorugh towards the Akropoli metro station until we heard a bunch of shouting, which we found out later was some manner of demonstration. We’d seen some anarchist graffiti near our hotel, but weren’t really prepared for whatever required the riot shields, so we walked rather quickly back to the metro and sped off towards our hotel.

Back at Hotel Apollo, we decided to check out the roof garden we’d heard so much about, by which I mean the hotel staff recommended it to everyone and, when I asked where I could buy groceries, was told that if I was hungry, I should probably just buy food from them.

To be fair, it was pretty awesome. 7€ for a bottle of wine and a rooftop view over all of Athens, including a clear line of sight to the lighted Acropolis. It’s kind of odd, actually, being in a city with no real skyscraper-esque buildings. Everything’s sort of 4-to-6 stories and made out of concrete. Still, that just means you have an uninterupted view as far as the city goes until you run into a mountain.

We collapsed shortly thereafter as we had to be up at 5:30am to get to the port to get on a boat to get to Santorini.

Let's try not to pass out.

So, when we left off, we were still waiting for Jordan to get into Athens and had just finished with the incredibly hot, incredibly sunny, incredibly prone-to-vendors Acropolis. The plan, as Jordan’s flight was getting in around noon, was to meet back at the hotel at 3, which should have given her enough time to get there and get settled and would have allowed us to finish up our touristy tourism. We went directly from the Acropolis to the New (!) Acropolis Museum, which has glass floors from which you can see archeological dig sites and cases and cases of jewelry for sale in the gift shop, in case you felt like dropping a few hundred euros on a silver bracelet. We bought our tickets and went up to the first floor, entirely ignoring the “This Is How You See This Museum Map” that we’d picked up from Information. Apparently, what you’re meant to do is to walk up to the first floor, ignore everything you see between you and the escalator, take it up to the third floor (the second being a bookshop and restaurant) and work your way down. I’m sure there’s some mindset in which this is a reasonable and natural thing to do, but given that we were making it up as we went along, we didn’t do that. There were old things on the first floor, so we started with those.

It probably should have been a hint that the first thing we looked at was “Athens post-Roman Occupation” and “Athens and Christianity”. We managed not only to start with the later period but went the wrong way around the museum, which we were later chastised for by a security guard. About halfway backwards through the Roman occupation, we decided that we were severely dehydrated and didn’t want to die in front of the gold coin display. Evidently, the New (!) Acropolis Museum doesn’t sell bottles of water (though they do sell water at the cafe on the first floor and, presumably, at the restauraunt) so we had to leave, walk to a newsstand and buy bottles of water from him.

In retrospect, we probably should have checked to see if that was OK with the Acropolis museum.

It turns out that your ticket isn’t a come-and-go-as-you-please sort of deal. We got back to the entry gate and found that we were locked out. The guard asked us if we had left the building or just gone to the gift shop/cafe area and we evidently mumbled noncommittally long enough that he decided we could be let in past the gate. Which is good, because we hadn’t gotten our 5 euros worth in the run up to overheating. We did the first floor (first backwards, then in order) which caught us up on the buildings on the Acropolis that aren’t the Parthenon, then figured out that we should go upstairs to get the chronologically first bit of what we were meant to look at.

Bonus: The Parthenon floor had a ten minute video on the history of the Parthenon (from construction to being-blown-up-because-the-Ottomans-were-using-it-as-an-artillery-when-it-was-bombed) which was informative, but mostly just had chairs.

We left the museum, proceeded to the Temple of Olympian Zeus (which had some impressively tall columns, but no actual signage to tell us what we were looking at) and Hadrian’s Arch, then took the metro back to Metaxourghio to wait for Jordan.

She wasn’t there.

After some freaking out about whether she’d be able to find the hotel, we figured out that her plane had been delayed in Frankfurt for a few hours, and so we passed out because 6:30 am + walking around in the sun for six hours does not equal “boundless energy”.

Evening recap in the next post. More posts than you’ll know what to do with to come.

In Which I Underestimate The Importance of Sunglasses

We've just returned to the hotel from a day (beginning at 6:30 in the morning) out actually exploring the Acropolis and associated museum. First, something I forgot to mention from last night.

Apparently, not all SD cards are created equal. Marina bought an SDHC card from Target before we left, but it turns out that her camera is too old to recognize that it's a valid card. I presume in the same way that I will eventually be too old to understand new technology. Marina's camera is the crotchety, cane-waving elder of digital cameras, despite being good at taking pictures and all around pretty hearty. So, we needed to get another card. We had asked Jordan to bring us a new one from O'Hare after being assured that anywhere that sold them would be closed by the time we were going out, then immediately found a Kodak store in Plaka. Marina bought a 2 gb card, so we no longer needed one from Chicago. Problematically, we didn't actually have a way to call home and by the time we got back to our hotel, we feared Jordan would be on a plane to Frankfurt. So we went to a little internet cafe (across the street from where we wound up eating dinner) to hop on Facebook to send her a message.

Facebook seemed concerned.

It didn't recognize the computer we were logging in from (which is understandable) and asked us whether we wanted to confirm the account by answering a personal question or by identifying pictures of friends. We chose the latter, because who doesn't like a good round of "Do you remember people you barely knew in High School" trivia?

Luckily, it chose people Marina knew, but it did feel uncomfortably like a cross between an online personality quiz and a way to identify dissidents to an authoritarian regime.

Which probably says something about Facebook.

Back to today, and actual travel writing, we stopped fighting the inclination to sleep as late as possible. We took the metro back to the Acropolis, bought our tickets and started hiking up. In retrospect, sunglasses and water bottles would have been a good idea. There was at least one little water fountain station we found along the way, but given that we had nothing to put the water in, it just acted to sort of tease us. Also, hiking up what amounts to a giant limestone rock is complicated by the fact that limestone is really, really slippery. especially if your shoes are mostly flat-soled. There seemed to be tour groups going around being led in most languages other than English, and Marina was able to translate some of what the Russian group was learning about the Odeon of Herodes Atticus (though we did find what appeared to be an American church group, although they didn't have anyone shouting out facts about our surroundings). We made our way around the proscribed Tourist Route (starting with the Temple of Athena Nike, through the Propylaea, and around the Parthenon, only slipping occasionally on the limestone. The Acropolis Museum (the old one that’s actually on the Acropolis) appeared to be closed, but we did get to walk around and look at the grey paneled temporary building that houses the offices for the restoration efforts. So that’s fun. Then, around to the Echtheleon and back down the stairs.

Then, the vendors. I’d wondered where they were on the way up, since it seemed like someone should be taking advantage of the fact that people like us don’t plan ahead and forget water, and it turns out that they just on the other side of the hill, next to the post office and frozen lemonade stand. One guy was selling water. One. Everyone else was either selling cheap parasols or these strange little gel things that you slam on a hard surface, watch it splash out, then watch it reform to its original shape. Like, seven parasol guys and at least three of the Slam Gel vendors. I’m not sure how that works as far as competition, and I’m really curious to see what the Slam Gel guys pay for their product. Marina asked what it was and was told it was “very nice” and “only 5 euros”. Which, you know, fair enough. If we had a nice dinner china cabinet at home, I could see just filling it with little gel things that look like tomatoes, then briefly don’t look like tomatoes, then look like tomatoes again. We walked away, and the guy reduced the price to 4 euros, then 3. Then 1 euro. Which seems like a pretty significant markup at the original price.
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We walked up to another large, limestone rock (which was apparently the Areopagus,where the council of elders met in pre-classical times). There are two ways to get up the rock. You can climb up (what I presume were) the original stairs cut into the limestone itself which means you get to be terrified that you’re going to fall off a historic site to your death or you can climb up the handy steel and wood modern staircase. We chose to almost die. Which was fun, though the sign explaining exactly what the hell you’re standing on is near the convenient, this-is-what-you’re-supposed-to-climb-up-you-silly-tourist modern staircase.

Rather than continuing to write about every detail of the day in one post, I’ll stop it here. Next time, on Ryan and Marina Bumble About Greece, tune in for the New Acropolis Museum, the Temple of Olympian Zeus, more slammy tomato guys and the Reunion with Jordan. It’s exciting stuff.

Cats Universally Want Me To Give Them My Food

So, after a good six hour nap following actually getting into our hotel room (which is what I get for being one of those terrible people who finds it difficult to sleep on a metal tube 30,000 feet above the ground while a kid screams because, unlike the rest of us, that sort of freaks him out). We found an ATM (well, two, but the first one was “out of balance” which I presume means it’s not working). We successfully located the metro after walking down every street within a quarter mile of our hotel that didn’t have a metro station on it and rode off to the Acropolis, because hey, that’s someplace we’d heard of. Actually, as we were checking in, I wandered close to the hotel manager’s desk and she called me over and wrote down where we should go (Yes to Plaka and Montrasiki, no to Omonia). So that was good.

Having slept for six hours before getting out, the Acropolis was closed, but we did managed to wander into Plaka. Lots of shops, a bunch of little restaurants and, as we approached Montrasiki, an increasing number of international brands. Which is funny, because we walked a little past the Gap and ran into the Panagia Gorgoepikoos. We wound up eating at a place called Terina. I had mousaka (which, after we got back to the hotel and found a way to watch the Greece edition of No Reservations, Anthony Bourdain described as “a brick”. I get that, but as far as little clay pots of eggplant and lamb go, it was pretty solid. Marina got chicken souvlaki and we split an order of fried cheese, because wherever we go, whether it’s Greece or central Wisconsin, we need to have some fried cheese.

About halfway through the meal, a number of stray cats started showing up and meowing for some food, which is bizarrely comforting in a familiar sort of way. I think they knew we were tourists and might give them some food, but instead we just took pictures of them to post on the internet, because that’s what cats are for.

Now, it’s Sunday and we’re heading back to the Acropolis to actually see the old things (instead of cats) and will be meeting up with Jordan later.

I may try to take a cat home in my luggage. We’ll see.

Pictures when we get around to loading them up.

"I Feel Like Going To A Party"

I have a new appreciation for Chicago cabs. First of all, there’s a slim chance that one of them will be a gameshow in disguise.

Also, I’ve never really felt like I might die in a Chicago cab. I’ve thought I might die because of a Chicago cab, but that was mostly when I was some sort of ridiculous cyclist. Now that I’ve got a giant steel enclosure of my own, I’m generally less terrified. Mild annoyance, sure, but not terror.

We landed in Athens and got in line for a taxi, which, all in all, was a fine experience. There was, as expected, a bit of a language gap, though that’s entirely my fault, as all I’ve got down comfortably are “I don’t understand Greek” and “Thank you.” Marina’s got a Lonely Planet phrasebook app, which helpfully has things like “I’m a tradesperson”, “Are you married?” and the title of this post. Which is good, if you’re looking to seduce someone with your mastery of your trade while ensuring that you don’t break up a happy marriage.


There were a few times that my sleep deprived brain was startled at how aggressively we were cutting past guys on motorcycles, but I have absolutely no idea how traffic in Athens functions, so let’s just assume that’s par for the course (or whatever the Greek equivalent of that metaphor is. The national sport’s soccer, apparently, but they’re also really good at basketball, so I don’t know).

Currently, we’re waiting in the hotel lobby for our room to be ready because in all the desperation to actually get to Greece, we didn’t actually consider whether check in time would have happened by the time we rolled in. We also need to buy an SD card, which will be fun and hilarious. I don’t think the phrasebook has an entry for “our camera is too old to recognize this SDHC card as something that actually is useful as memory, so please sell us something that will allow us not to leave here pictureless.” We do have phone cameras and a USB cord, so if all else fails, that’ll happen.

I need a shower.

Bad Film Choices

So, currently, we’re somewhere over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. I think we’re going to be in Greece in roughly four hours, but I have no idea if that’s accurate. Apparently, going to another time zone prior to getting on a transatlantic flight is disorienting, because not everything that we’ve brought that has a clock acknowledges that we’ve moved away from Chicago.

Highlights so far:

If you’re going on a nine hour flight it’s at all possible to not have a two year old with you, do that. He’s asleep now, and in the runup to that headphones mostly worked to drown out the constant screaming. It’s not his fault. He’s bored and cranky (as are we all) and the poor little guy doesn’t even have his own seat. It’s not the parents’ fault either, I guess, but I’d somehow forgotten how much toddlers love making noise.

My selfish irritation was somewhat diminished when his dad took him for a walk up the aisle and he waved bye-bye to everyone. That was pretty adorable.

Other than that, we’ve mostly been attempting to sleep, failing at sleeping and trying to find ways to stave off the fact that we’re sitting in one place for nine slowly passing hours. We could be watching the in-flight movies/TV, but there are two problems with that.

Headphones cost five dollars. I only spent eight dollars on my standard-go-anywhere-use-with-anything-with-a-headphone-jack headphones, so I’m not inclined to spend nearly the same amount on headphones I can use twice. Someone help me out here. Is there a reason for the two pronged headphone jack other than forcing you to pay $5 to watch movies on a tiny television halfway up the cabin? Is there anyone who sells an adapter to convert a normal headphone plug into one of the special trapped-on-an-airplane plugs? Though, I guess if you’re going to buy an adapter, you might as well just buy the crappy headphones the airline sells.

The movie choices. First, a mid-Season One episode of Glee. Which, whatever, I guess, but it’s not possible to at least get something that aired this year? Then again, I don’t take transatlantic trips to catch up on Modern Family, so I guess it’s just as well. Then, The Green Hornet, which I’ve actually been meaning to see, and came out this year, so it’s at least conceivable that I haven’t seen it. Currently, what’s on screen is Vinnie Jones running around in a metal helmet, because for some reason X-Men: The Last Stand is playing on this flight. Which came out in 2007. And was awful.

So maybe no one rush to tell me about how to get around paying for headphones.

Instead, Marina and I brought along the Netflix DVD we’ve been meaning to get to for about a week. And have a headphone splitter, so we can both listen. Which would be great. If the movie we watched wasn’t 127 Hours. It was great, of course, but given that I’m already a little skittish about flying, it was perhaps a drop too intense. Everyone around us is trying to sleep (and trying not to do anything that could conceivably wake the toddler up), and we’re watching James Franco hack off his arm with a Leatherman. And because that’s the only thing we brought, we can’t follow it up by spending this laptop’s remaining battery life by watching something lighthearted and not-about-a-guy-who-amputates-his-arm.

Now that that’s over, I guess it’s either back to attempting to sleep or continuing to work on getting through American Gods. Anything that won’t wake the kid.

Travelogue!

I really like the idea of traveling, and I know I haven’t done a terrific job of it so far. There was a bit late in high school where I decided I was going to road trip all over the place, but sort of failed at that. It’s easy to tick off states you’ve been to if you’re living and driving around the east coast (particularly if you get lost in New England and spend about an hour driving in and out of Rhode Island), but I still haven’t really been west of the Mississippi. Well, “haven’t really” meaning “haven’t at all”. Which is a shame. I’ve been to Paris, which is something, but I also mostly just followed the lead of the person I was visiting there who spoke French and knew more or less what the deal was. Now, I’m on my way to Greece. Athens, after a brief layover in Philadelphia, then an eight hour boat ride to Santorini for a friend’s wedding. I’m apparently not the world’s best flyer, which makes nine hour flights to Southern Europe a little bit more nervewracking.

In any case, I’m always looking for something to actually blog about, and so you’ll be getting some kind of Murphspot travelogue. Murpalogue. Travelmurp. It’ll be fun.

I think.

So far, the trip has mostly consisted of realizing that our cars were going to be ticketed because we’d be parked where Chicago’s going to try to do some street sweeping, frantically attempting to find a place to park that we can reasonably be sure that they won’t do that, and then rearranging everything we’d carefully packed into one large suitcase so that we didn’t have to pay $150 to get our clothes to Greece. Apparently, several of the people who boarded around us are also making a connection to Athens, the difference being that they (including the person manning the jetbridge) speak Greek. I do not. I’ve been assured that this won’t be a problem, but I’m anticipating at least some amount of hilarious translation (read: mundane and frustrating) mixup, which I’ll dutifully post here. I knew at least enough French to get around in Paris (which I’ve since forgotten), and really only had a problem when I realized that I wasn’t sure which word on the doors meant “push” and which meant “pull”. Hopefully, the stilted Greek I’ve gathered from a “Delude Yourself into Trying to Learn a Completely Foreign Language in Four Hours” cd will come off as endearing and people will take pity on the poor, merely bilingual (but not in the applicable language) American tourist.

Now, though, I’m on a plane to Philadelphia, where the most I’ll have to worry about is someone recognizing a tinge of a Pittsburgh accent and mocking me about the Pirates. I’m fine with that.

In search of a hobby: Homebrewing.

A while ago, I stopped being a student and entered into the workforce, which is nice in the sense that work tends more to stay at work and I'm not constantly walking by idealistic college students who have yet to be crushed by reality. Also, having to be somewhere early in the morning upon penalty of not getting paid anymore has miraculously fixed my sleep schedule.

It's markedly harder to roll in at noon if it comes bundled with "crippling poverty".

The other half of that, though, is that I've actually got occasional free time now, and I need to do something to fill it. To that end, I've been looking for a hobby after realizing that I've got no idea how people start having a hobby. There are only so many video games I can play before I completely forget how to interact with actual people. There's music, still, but unless whoever's reading this has a guitar and somewhere to play that doesn't have neighbors that'd be bothered by a lot of noise, there's only so many bass solos I can practice. I tried woodcarving for roughly two days and I plan to get back into it, but it fell to the wayside when I realized I need better knives than I've got. I could get better at social interaction, so ideally the hobby should be something with people involved. And rather than separate what I do during the day from what I do in my free time, it'd be nice to try to incorporate whatever skills I've actually gained in becoming a chemist. Without winding up in the plot of Breaking Bad.
Hence, homebrewing.

I've started attempting to make drinkable beer with two other gentlemen, which is another of those things that it seems like you shouldn't be capable of doing on your own in a plastic bucket. Legally, anyway. It is, though, so we've begun. Some things we've figured out so far:

• Brew and Grow is a paradise
  
  
  • I knew that homebrewing had something of a community, but my word there are a lot of options, and I have yet to piece together precisely what it is they all do. Luckily, Brew and Grow on Kedzie has been useful so far in getting supplies and recommendations on what supplies we need (Plastic fermenting bucket: necessary. Expensive wort chiller: not right yet, though it's nice to know what a wort chiller is, I guess) as well as ingredients and some insight on what the hell these ingredients do. Hooray specialty stores. I'm not sure how we'd be doing this if there weren't a place on Kedzie with a freezer full of hops.



• Checking Equipment is probably a good idea
  
  
  • There's a chance we were too ambitious with our first endeavour, a Scotch ale that required, among other things, a secondary fermentation. We bought two buckets, thinking that we could simply siphon the beer from the primary fermentation bucket to the one with a spigot at the bottom. The problem is that the spigot is pretty watertight, but not entirely watertight, which makes it fine for bottling (where the whole process is going to take half an hour) but less fine for fermenting (where we're leaving it in Beau's closet for about a week.) Leakage, followed by necessary sticking-an-arm-into-the-thing-to-tighten-the-spigot-from-the-inside, as well as the addition of oak chips without actually toasting (and therefore sterilizing) them led to a sort of bananas-followed-by-death taste to our first attempt. Terribly demoralizing, but we actually learned a number of things not to do. Which is good.



• Washing Everything Over and Over Until Every Last Microorganism has Been Sent to Bacterial Hell Where They Will Suffer Eternal Torment for Fun and Profit
  
  • It turns out that if you're going to prepare something by mixing stuff together and then putting it in a bucket in a closet for a few weeks, it's relatively important to make sure that only the stuff you intend to be in the bucket is in the bucket. We've had one contaminated batch already, so we've double down on our efforts to make sure everything is covered in disinfectant. Which is fine, except that I usually wind up soaked from attempting to rinse everything.

Thus far, we've bottled two batches (Easy Win Hefeweizen, so named after our first ambitious batch went to hell and The Bastard Prince, a sort of cherry stout thing with some oakiness and maple flavors if everything goes well) and are preparing to brew another. Five gallons isn't a ton of beer, but as we get better at this we're likely going to upgrade to some more equipment for quicker turnover and more beer.

Does this whole thing make me some sort of terrible hipster? I hope not. Maybe. Let's pretend it doesn't.

Pictures of the results of this nonsense when I actually get around to writing batch-specific reviews.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Final Four and Championship

#11 UAB Blazers vs. #2 San Diego State Aztecs

Were dragons present in Aztec mythology? Wikipedia mentions dragons in European mythology, Chinese mythology and the Book of Job, but nothing specific about Aztec dragons. It does talk about Creationist claims that dragon myths arose because people lived at the same time as dinosaurs, ignoring all evidence to the contrary. So there's that. There are uncertainties about how an Aztec Eagle Warrior would do fighting a dragon. The only thing I can say for sure is that if I ever get around to having an anthemic metal band, I want this matchup as my album cover. Blaze, the UAB dragon, has wings. Are those functional, or vestigal? Because if Blaze can fly, the Aztec warrior is pretty much screwed. Spears don't tend to do well against flying, fire-breathing monster lizards. Yeah, I was trying to come up with a way for an upset here, but I just don't see it happening. UAB advances.

#10 Florida State Seminoles vs. #13 Belmont Bruins

Given that I just made an argument for why bears aren't going to win against an indigenous population with weapons, I feel like this is a bit perfunctory. The bruin had a good run, and no one can take that away from him. Or her. I'm not sure if "Bruin" is gender neutral. Still, while it's been able to coast on things like "being 900 pounds" and "having scary claws" and "ripping throats out of things with throats", the Seminoles have a guy with a spear and a horse. They've got maneuverability, they've got hunting experience and they've managed to live in a place that has bears without being eaten by bears. The Seminoles have it. Florida State advances.

FINAL

#11 UAB Blazers vs. #10 Florida State Seminoles

And it all comes down to this. Do we go with real people over mythical beings? Do we go with enormous reptilian monsters over pretty much everything else? I could try to figure out what kind of dragon we're talking about here, which led to me discovering that Wikipedia lumps comics and puppetry together when talking about dragons, which is pretty fantastic. I attempted to establish a link between the Seminole tribe and dragons, but all that led me to was a student group at FSU that plays Dungeons & Dragons. Actually, that probably helps the Seminoles, as they could probably advise Chief Osceola on tactics. On the other hand, here's a picture of a statue of Blaze at night outside the Bartow Arena at UAB.



I would never walk by this. Especially after having seen Blink. Weeping Angel Dragons? Everything would be over.

You can't fight with that. That's badass. So there we have it.




2011 Murphspot Mascot Bracket Champions - University of Alabama at Birmingham Blazers

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Elite Eight

#11 UAB Blazers vs. #6 Xavier Musketeers

I think it's probably a good thing for my social life that I don't know the intricacies of the strengths and weaknesses of dragons in general. As it stands, I'm not sure if projectile weapons are going to be very effective against dragon skin. Yeah, an archer took down Smaug, but only because Bilbo figured out where a weakness was (which I presume was a thermal exhaust port) and it eventually got relayed to someone who could do something about it (presumably by Bothan spies, just to completely confuse nerd institutions). Which works if you know what you're shooting for and are capable of making the shot. Muskets didn't have rifling, which would mean that if Blaze has a weakness, the Xavier Musketeer is going to have to get pretty close to be able to pull the shot off. I don't know the effective attack range of a dragon, but let's say it's greater than that because this entry has gone on long enough. UAB advances to the Final Four.

#13 Oakland Golden Grizzlies vs. #2 San Diego State Aztecs

Well, I had the Aztecs take out the Northern Colorado Generic Turntablist Bears back in round one, so it'd be a little inconsistent of me to allow the bears to win this time. And somehow, given that Oakland's involved, I can't avoid thinking that Al Davis is going to come in and crazy the whole thing up, then attempt to move both schools around California because why not? San Diego, conversely, has Comic-Con? I guess? I certainly wouldn't want to go up against the crowd there. Plus, there's a chance that Nathan Fillion's involved, which means this is over.



Above: The Golden Grizzly's most deadly enemy.

San Diego State advances to the Final Four.

#5 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #10 Florida State Seminoles

There are a few ways you could go with this matchup. If we're just looking at the mascots as presented the Commodores would seem to have an edge. The FSU Seminoles mascot has got a spear, while the Commodore has a saber (and presumably, a sidearm). Of course, Commodore no longer exists as a rank in the U.S. Navy (though it's still a title), while the Seminole Tribes of Florida and Oklahoma are definitely still around (and both endores the use of the Seminole name and images as Florida State's mascot), which suggests the Seminoles are comparably armed. I'm unable to determine whether any navy in which Commodore is a rank endorses Vanderbilt's use of the term. Either way, it seems like the Seminoles would have the edge on ranged fighting, and the Vanderbilt mascot is made of foam rubber, limiting his effectiveness, so we'll go with Florida State advancing to the Final Four

#13 Belmont Bruins vs. #3 BYU Cougars

So far, the Cougar has had to go through a Boston Terrier, a Thunderbird (or a Storm, or a guy drinking Thunderbird during a storm, or something) and a Spartan, the last of which was its only real challenge. I should also take a moment to point out that Thunderbird, the fortified wine, was apparently marketed as "The California Aperitif" outside the US, which just seems like a slam on California for no reason.

Pictured: Sorrow.

The Bruin has had to go through some Aggies, some Badgers and a Monarch, so he's not had a terribly tough road either, but in the epic matchup of Caniform vs. Felid, I just don't see the Cougar coming out victorious. It's close, but Belmont advances to the Final Four.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Sweet Sixteen

#8 George Mason Patriots vs. #11 UAB Blazers

I really don't know what it says about me as an American that I'm doubting how well the Father of the Bill of Rights is going to do against a giant, fire-breathing lizard. Notably, George Mason (who I'm going to take as the mascot for the George Mason Patriots because that seems sort of reasonable) was one of the delegates who refused to sign the Constitution because he didn't to support it without adding a Bill of Rights, which at the very least has got to say something for the degree to which he's willing to stick to his guns. I'd credit him with the fact that no troops are currently quartered in my apartment, but the Third Amendment only specifies that the government needs the owner's permission, and I am certainly not the owner. There's not as much room for debate with a dragon as there is with the Constitution and its Amendments, I'm guessing. Dragons don't care if they have prior approval to burn you, then tear your body asunder. They just do it. Then they go do something else. Because the maiming people gets boring after a while. Anyway, UAB advances.

#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #2 University of North Carolina Tar Heels

Human/human matchups are rife with possibilities for me to completely make up a reason why one mascot should win over another. Musketeers, I think, carry with them an implication of some sort of battle training given that they're actually part of a formal military, but Tar Heels (as I've noted) get points for standing their ground and, because the name was coined at a later point in history, probably have better weaponry than muskets. The Xavier musketeer is pretty clearly supposed to be French, given that he's named D'Artagnan (presumably based on Dumas' D'Artagnan, who was based on the historical Charles de Batz-Castelmore d'Artagnan).


The "hand-on-hip" pose and puffy collar not withstanding, the guy did still have a gun
While the Tar Heels mascot, if we want to be pedantic about it, is Rameses the Ram. Who has some impressive horns, but if it's male sheep vs. guy with a gun we're talking about, I'm going to have to give it to the guy with the gun. Xavier advances.

#8 Michigan Wolverines vs. #13 Oakland Golden Grizzlies

I'm starting to reconsider whether the Wolverines can count the fact that they share a mascot name with a Marvel character as a positive, or whether it works against them. If you do a Google Image Search for "wolverine", it's not wolverines. It's mostly pictures of Hugh Jackman in varying states of undress and even more widely varying states of about-to-cut-into-you-with-adamandium-adapted-bone-claws. Threatening, sure, but it doesn't tell me much about either wolverines or Michigan. Yeah, they're ferocious things, but I have the nagging feeling that a Bear could kill a Wolverine. Perhaps its the published account of a bear killing a wolverine for trying to steal its kill. Sure, that was a black bear, but I've got to think a grizzly would be up to the task.

Oakland advances.

#14 Bucknell Bisons vs. #2 San Diego State Aztecs

Given that part of the issue with Bison is that humans, as a species, have gotten really good at killing all of them, this doesn't seem like it'll be much of a fight. The bison's got a weight advantage, sure, but it's still a giant target that likes to hang out in areas without a lot of cover, and we've established that at the very least, the San Diego State Aztec has a spear. Probably an atlatl. Which has gone from "indispensable war and hunting weapon" to "thing the guys from Make magazine can teach you how to build so that you can throw spears at soccer fields"

So there's that. Still, I'm not sure the bison has a plan for that, other than "get speared" and "die as quickly as possible." SDSU advances

#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #5 Vanderbilt Commodores

I'm still having nightmares about the Lionel Ritchie golem, but it's time to move on and pick a winner out of this increasingly human/bear-centric matchup. The Runnin' Rebels are probably going to have some ground to cover in terms of formal training. As a bonus (from Vanderbilt's perspective), I have serious doubts about whether the Runnin' Rebels mascot has a firm grasp of early 80's home computing.



It's just baffling. I have no idea.

Now, UNLV's in the middle of the desert, and Commodore is a navy rank so there's potential for battlefield leveling owing to unfamiliarity with terrain, but out of the two, the adaptability edge has got to go to Vanderbilt. Hats notwithstanding, Vanderbilt advances.

#3 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #10 Florida State Seminoles

The Boilermakers generally last until they run into a human mascot, and I don't think this year is going to be any different. The problem with being a train and trying to go into a fight to the death is that as long as whoever you're fighting is not standing on the track, you're pretty much fighting to a tie at best. If your opponent has the ability to board you and wreck what makes you able to move, you've more or less lost. Actually, that last bit applies whether you're a train or not. Then, of course, there's the bit where the actual mascot apparently has molded plastic hair and lifeless, terrifying eyes.

Oh dear. It appears to have taken my soul.
Yeah, I'm going to go with the Seminoles on this one. Florida State advances.

#9 Old Dominion Monarchs vs. #13 Belmont Bruins

I don't know many monarchs, but I'm pretty sure the preparations for ruling a nation is more focused on etiquette and propriety and less on what to do when you find yourself trapped in a fight to the death with a bear. The skills that come in handy when trying to inspire (or supress) a people so that they won't revolt and attempt to install a less autocratic form of government probably isn't of too much use when the 900 pound thing with claws wants you dead. I've got to go with the bear on this one. Belmont advances.

#3 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #10 Michigan State Spartans

I've been mostly going with humans over animals, which I don't think nature entirely bears out. Evidently, according to the very convenient List of fatal cougar attacks in North America Wikipedia page, 23 people were killed by cougars in the last 120 years. But they do attack if they feel cornered, which an attacking Spartan with a giant head would certainly qualify for.


Apparently cougars try to go for the neck, which might not work for the Spartans mascot as he has no neck, but it does imply that cougars strategize, which is terrifying enough that I'm never going outside again. That, plus the fact that cougars are still around, and this one actually goes to BYU. Brigham Young advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Southeast, Round of 32

#16 University of Arkansas - Little Rock Trojans vs. #9 Old Dominion Monarchs

I feel like the Trojans have been getting a bit of an easy run so far. Yeah, they're people with weapons, which gives them an edge in "fight to the death" style mascot brackets, but they're also have that odd "semi-legendary" quality to them which makes me think that I should probably dock them a few points. If we just examine them as they exist in Homer's works, they're ruled by a monarchy, which I have to think will give Old Dominion somewhat of an edge. Wikipedia gives Priam, the king of Troy during the Trojan War, the original name "Podarces", which makes me think of podraces, which makes me think of The Phantom Menace, which makes me sad. With that convoluted bit of reasoning, Old Dominion advances.

#12 Utah State Aggies vs. #13 Belmont Bruins

Here, it really doesn't matter whether I take the Utah State mascot to be actual agricultural students (which is a practical if lame mascot) or whether I take it to be Big Blue, the bull who's had enough of this shit.



Big Blue would like to know when you're planning on knocking it the hell off already.


If anything, Big Blue just makes me miss Western Kentucky's Big Red, who can bring joy and merriment wherever he goes with his hinged jaw, optimistic eyebrows and weird leg pocket. If only WKU were in this year's bracket, perhaps the world would
just be a little bit better.

You know what? Screw it.



WHEE-HAH!


Hooray! Big Red! We missed you. Diversions aside, the bear is going to kill either the bull or the student, so Belmont advances.

#6 St. John's Red Storm vs. #3 Brigham Young Cougars
There's pretty much two incarnations of the Red Storm that I can actually conceive of. Either it's an elemental force of destruction which will tear anything in its path apart or it's a soft drink marketed to teenagers who like the idea of dangerous sports. So that's a wash. Evidently, St. John's chose an actual mascot in the last few years. Johnny the Thunderbird. Here's a video of him dancing alone.



I don't know. He's got a weird rounded beak, and he makes me think of cars from the 1970s. I've got to think that the Cougar wouldn't have much of a problem smacking that thing in the face and then destroying everything it has ever loved. Brigham Young advances.

#10 Michigan State Spartans vs. #15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos
An occupational/cultural matchup! Gauchos are impressive and all, and the mascot appears to be wearing the kind of hat you'd want to wear if you were going to turn it into some kind of razor-throwing-weapon-hat, like Oddjob or Kung Lao, but then I looked up the actual UCSB Gaucho mascot.



The ¡Olé! belt buckle might be a bit much. Evidently that's his name, and I'm not sure if that makes it better.

What is this? That's not nearly as terrifying as the amorphous shadow mascot promised in the logo. That's a pretty spectacular moustache, but the bandana mask just makes me want to figure out who it is. A young, black-haired Hulk Hogan? Nick Cave-every-once-in-a-while? The guitarist for Steely Dan? It's too much, and while it's making motions toward a big reveal, the Spartan is going to come in and kick it down a well. Michigan State advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Southwest, Round of 32

#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels
The UNLV Rebel has pretty much everyone beat in the Mascot Facial Hair category, which is just one of the many metrics on which I'm basing all of these careful decisions. If your mascot is Sam Elliott with an awesome hat, you get some points toward victory. The Jayhawks, on the other hand, have no facial hair to speak of. This is probably because they are birds. And mythical. And not Sam Elliott. Which is a shame. The Rebel looks as though he's got at least one gun and even has a feather in his hat. This is a man who has killed birds before. UNLV advances.

#5 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #13 Morehead State Eagles
So, country rock or funk, then. Or, a fight between Don Henley and Lionel Ritchie. Notably, the Commodores weren't responsible for Witchy Woman, which sends me into a rage. I'm not sure why. I think that it was one of those songs that played on the generic non-offensive radio in places I worked growing up. Maybe it's the falsetto. I'm not sure. Plus, Brick House. If we're going with the frontman's solo career, I can't think of a Don Henley solo song other than "The Boys of Summer", whereas Ritchie's got "Hello", "All Night Long" and "Endless Love", and where would overwrought wedding dances be without that. Of course, the video for Hello sort of creeps me out (there's a definite power imbalance going on between Ritchie and the student who makes a bust of him), but I just honestly can't give this to the Eagles.


Have fun with the nightmares about the unstoppable Ritchie Golem.
Vanderbilt advances.

#11 VCU Rams vs. #3 Purdue Boilermakers
The Rams are making a legitimately impressive run in the actual tournament, but that nonsense doesn't matter in the Murphspot mascot bracket. All that matters is whether a ram, which as far as I can tell hangs around and eats plants, is going to be able to destroy a train, which as far as I can tell is a hulking steel machine whose job it is to not be stopped by livestock. It's even got a little metal bit on the front whose sole purpose is to push everything the hell out of the way. I'm imagining that isn't a gentle process. I can't even make this about 70's music, though I guess I could bring Ram Jam into it, but other than "Black Betty", they're not helping at all. Purdue advances.

#10 Florida State Seminoles vs. #2 Notre Dame Fighting Irish
And we're back with another Ethnic Group Matchup, which makes my squishy liberal body feel tense and afraid. Rather than outright declaring one group better than the other, I'll simply note the difference in weaponry. The Seminoles definitely have a spear, but it's not evident whether the Fighting Irish have more than their fists and a jauntily cocked hat. Yes, the boxing stance from 1920 is impressive, but it does have a glaring weakness in terms of leaving the boxer unable to defend against a damn spear to the face. Florida State advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - West, Round of 32

#16 Hampton Pirates vs. #7 Michigan Wolverines

The real battle here, it seems to me, is not going to be decided by people who hijack ships and the largest land-dwelling weasel. It could, and that would potentially be hilarious to watch (even moreso if the parrot got involved), human-against-small-but-ferocious-animal is not what the Murphspot Mascot Bracket is about. It's about trying to think of ways to differentiate every round from every other round. Hence, comics. Wolverine, of course, is pretty much indestructible given that he's survived having the adamantium ripped from his skeleton and being torn in half by Hulk. But he's overexposed to the point that pointing out how overexposed Wolverine is is a cliche on its own. As far as Pirates, the closest I could think of was DC's Psycho-Pirate who is a bit of an anti-Wolverine. He's an empath and uses a mask to project emotions on to people, which is pretty far from the whole "tearing into things with metal claws" on the "Methods of Attack" spectrum. And he tends to pop up only occasionally. He died, came back for Blackest Night, then died again, so he's certainly destructible. Still, if you're going to have something fight Wolverine, feeding on angst is probably not a terrible way to go. I'd give it to the Pirates, but then I have to mention that the character I've been using to push for them looks like this.



Who designed that? Tim Gunn would have them jailed. Also, Tim Gunn has standing to jail people, and I've just worked in references to Marvel, DC and Project Runway in a mascot bracket post. Michigan advances.

#12 Memphis Tigers vs. #13 Oakland Golden Grizzlies

I'm not sure whether either Memphis is particularly habitable for tigers. I guess Memphis, Tennessee is probably fine, but the ancient Egyptian capital for which it's named is probably not all that hospitable for jungle cats. For that matter, Oakland is pretty well urbanized, and I can't imagine that a grizzly is going to be allowed to just saunter about. So I guess that's a wash. Which is all to say that it's hard to make a reasonable length entry for another Bear/Tiger matchup. Tigers probably have the advantage as far as speed is concerned, but I guess bears can run at 40 mph and they're 900 pounds. They're essentially monsters. Plus, Wikipedia has a photo of this sign in their entry on bears.



That's right. Bear Danger. The worst kind of danger. And the best kind of band name.
I'm going to have to go with the bears. Oakland advances.

#6 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. #14 Bucknell Bisons

As excited as I was over the Cincinnati Fighting Binturongs, I do have to recognize that "Bearcat" is probably a bit misleading in the direction of fierceness. The thing weighs like 30 pounds, which is big-ish for a small mammal, but Bison are over a ton. And they've got horns. And probably a little anger to get out after we killed most of them, which they might misdirect in the direction of the humble bearcat. Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo step on binturongs.Bucknell advances

#10 Penn State Nittany Lions vs. #2 San Diego State Aztecs

And we're back to the whole "human vs. non-human" thing. I guess I should have defined the terms better straight away. I'd restrict the human mascots to having to fight barehanded, but then if a mountain lion's allowed to use its teeth, the human should probably be allowed to use its ability to make a spear to kill the mountain lion. Obviously, given the lack of Aztecs in central Pennsylvania, they probably don't have any direct experience in killing the wildlife on Mount Nittany, but I'm willing to bet they can figure it out. San Diego State advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - East, Round of 32

#16 UTSA Roadrunners vs. #9 George Mason Patriots

Given that the Roadrunners didn't so much gain entry to the second round because they're a viscious competitor but because they were fighting a nut. The Patriots almost certainly have some kind of firearm, and even if you're going to make some kind of "difficult to hit because it's a moving target" argument, I've got to think that the Patriots are going to have some sort of anti-Roadrunner strategic advantage. It's simply too much to overcome. George Mason advances.

#12 UAB Blazers vs. #13 Princeton Tigers

I was going to write something about how a dragon is basically a reptilian tiger with bigger claws and fire (and wings? Sure. Why not. It's not like it's a Balrog). But then the more I look at the matchup, the more this is evidently some manner of wuxia movie. I emailed Ang Lee to ask him what he thought, but he hasn't gotten back to me, so I'm going to have to go with the original analysis. Dragons would kill tigers more quickly than something that happens really quickly. UAB advances

#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #14 Indiana State Sycamores

Oh, Sycamores. Apparently, there are a number of trees called sycamores, but I'll assume this refers to the American Sycamore (given that Indiana State is not in either California or Arizona). It's a good shade tree, but I can only see that helping the musketeers, who might need to sit down after a long day of wearing jaunty hats and growing ridiculous facial hair. And once they're well rested, I imagine they've got a way to cut down the sycamore for firewood. So yeah. Xavier advances.

#7 Washington Huskies vs. #2 North Carolina Tar Heels

I was hoping that at the very least, I could have a dog beat a non-dog opponent to show that I really don't hate dogs, and I don't want to conjure up images of animal cruelty or allegations of specism by saying that the human mascots are going to triumph over the dog mascots, but there's not a lot of room to push here. The Tar Heels have the reach and the strategy to make up for the fact that the Huskies have more intimidating teeth. Plus, if you go with the "Isn't-Too-Concerned-About-The-Hail-of-Gunfire" definitions, I think I have to give it to the Tar Heels. North Carolina advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Southeast, Round One, Part Two

#6 St. John's Red Storm vs. #11 Gonzaga Bulldogs

I've written before about how the idea of Jupiter has always been unnerving to me, primarily because of the Great Red Spot. I'm not an inclement weather kind of person. I like nice, moderate temperatures with some occasional rain but mostly clear skies. The idea of a storm larger than the planet I'm on doesn't sit well with me. The bulldogs, on the other hand, are bulldogs. There are approximately 80 other schools that have entered bulldogs into this tournament, and I don't see them advancing more readily against a giant meteorological event. St. John's advances.

#3 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #14 Wofford Terriers

I think I'm giving off the impression that I have something against dogs. I really, really don't. I like dogs. Dogs are awesome, and I wouldn't want to piss most of them off. Even the tiny, yippy ones. It's just that they're not very formidable when going up against something that lives in the mountains and has giant claws, and survives by killing things pretty much constantly. Most dogs I've known got their food by waiting for a bowl to be filled, not by ripping out anything's throat. I think. I hope. It'd be really odd to find out that most dogs I've known are actually much more capable than I'm giving them credit for. But if they are, they're doing a good job of hiding it, so I've got no choice but to go with the obvious result here. Brigham Young advances.

#7 UCLA Bruins vs. #10 Michigan State Spartans

On one hand, Spartans probably have some sort of armor and weapons and presumably some level of strategy-making ability, and even against bears, I've got to think they've got a fighting chance. On the other hand, bears are terrifying and as far as I know never became a tourist attraction for the Roman elite. Bears, on the other hand, were never narrated by David Wenham.



Though not Spartan, I have to believe that Gondor would have been fine against bears.

Michigan State advances.

#2 Florida Gators vs. #15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos

The Gauchos were last year's Murphspot Mascot Bracket champions, and I've got a feeling they're going to be a force to be reckoned with again. Yeah, gators can eat you (and were inexplicably my alma mater's mascot, despite the fact that I don't think alligators are exactly thick on the ground in northwestern Pennsylvania), but I can't think that the whole "gator wrestling" thing would have become a thing if it weren't possible to outsmart them. Plus, a close look at the Gauchos mascot reveals he's possibly Meta Knight.


Separated at birth.

So we've got a reptile that eats puppies and a guy with probably a sword and bolas and a fantastic hat. UC Santa Barbara advances

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Southeast, Round One, Part One

#1 Pittsburgh Panthers vs. #16 University of Arkansas - Little Rock Trojans

Panthers (or Pumas or Catamounts or Mountain Lions or whatever else that species is going by these days) are kind of intimidating on their face, but I'm tempted to dock them points for essentially sharing a mascot with Penn State. I just prefer a bit more variety in my mascot bracket. The fact is, every time I think of Panthers, I think of Pumas, which makes me think of The Pumaman.



When. You want. The flavor of bacon in a dip.

Granted, a good episode of MST3K, and if that were any justification for advancement in the mascot bracket, Pitt would be much better off. But I'm pretty sure that there isn't an Aztec named Vadinho to do all the actual fighting here, and the Trojans are armed. Probably. Right? I think they had arms. Yes. Anyway, UALR advances

#8 Butler Bulldogs vs. #9 Old Dominion Monarchs

I'm puzzled as to why a university in Norfolk is Monarchist, but I'm going to just go ahead and pretend that there's a subdivision of Norfolk that's been the one place in the nation that's held out since the Revolutionary War and absolutely refuses to acknowledge that fireworks shows are fun and that the obvious health concerns that should come to mind when considering hot dogs are better left ignored because that would get in the way of hilarious contests. We've already covered bulldogs, so all that's left is to determine whether the Monarchs are of the "capable of leading a nation into battle" variety or of the "languishing in their halls while the world moves on without them" variety. Oh, also, apparently my concepts of monarchs are based on whether Gandalf has convinced Theoden that he shouldn't be hiring guys named "Wormtongue" as advisors yet. To hell with it. The monarchs have a crown wearing lion, which can beat a bulldog. Old Dominion advances

#5 Kansas State Wildcats vs. #12 Utah State Aggies

An epic matchup for the ages between slightly more aggressive cats and agricultural students. I really have no idea how to make this one interesting. Some hacky jokes about who owns who in cat/person relationships? Wry comments about Utah that really aren't fair, given that I've never been there and that I like the people that I've met that are from there? I guess the agricultural students could do something about the cat's food supply. Or the Big Blue Bull that Utah State utilizes as a mascot would probably gore the poor thing. Either way, the Wildcats remain an unimpressive mascot, and Utah State advances

#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #13 Belmont Bruins

I'm led to believe that badgers will rip your face off. That's probably true. I'm not sure what I'd do if I encountered one in the wild. I have very little in the way of "wild animal encounter" knowledge. I'd like to think I'd fare well if I had to (for some reason) be in the wilderness suddenly, but that is a lie. I would be eaten pretty much instantly by anything that happened across me. Even the wildcats. But then, Belmont's got brown bears. Or Bobby Orr. Bears are even better at killing me, and Orr revolutionized how defensemen play the game. Either way, I don't see how I can give this to the Badgers. Sure, they'd kill me, but this isn't about me. This is about whether it would kill a bear, or Bobby Orr. It would not. Belmont advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Southwest, Round One, Part Two

#6 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #11 VCU Rams

I guess, if we're going to go with Mascots rather than team names, we've got to judge this on Jack the Bulldog and not an ill-defined team name (which may be part of a phrase which is a cross of Latin and Greek because apparently students in the 1890's were hipsters and neither classical language was, alone, obscure enough for them). Apparently "Hoya" is also Mayim Bialik's middle name so concievably this could be a matchup between Rams and Blossom. Even if we stick with Jack the Bulldog, I'm going to have to go with the size advantage the Ram's got, as well as the ridiculous horns. VCU advances.

#3 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #14 St. Peter's Peacocks

To be fair to the Peacocks, Purdue always puts up a pretty good fight in these mascot brackets, whether I'm defining them as steam-powered trains or simply the people who make the steam-powered trains. So the peacock is really overmatched. The fact that the school name is a possessive (and that these are St. Peter's peacocks) conjures up images of the Gates of Heaven guarded by trancendentally fancy birds which doesn't help it in this fight, but is pretty fantastic in its own right. Purdue advances.

#7 Texas A&M Aggies vs. #10 Florida State Seminoles
The Seminoles have to get points for actually getting permission to call their team the Seminoles. Plus, they appear to have a horse, which gets them the "actual live animal mascot" bonus and a spear, both of which probably aren't involved in basketball.



They also appear to have people who are lost and in khaki shorts. Which aren't an inappropriate mascot for Florida, actually.


The aggies are, I guess, agricultural school students. Which is unique, I guess, in that it's the only one of these mascots that's actually accurate. And they'd probably have a fighting chance if this were a "find a way to utilize modern farming techniques efficiently" contest. It's not. It's a fight to the death, and I'm going with the guy that has a spear over the guy that has some engineering texts. Florida State advances.

#2 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #15 Akron Zips
The zips have a kangaroo. With a statue.


And a McDonald's!

So there's that. I'm not sure how swift kangaroos are in the wild, and I'm not sure what kangaroos could have to do with the name "Zips", but I do know that the name originally referred to a brand of galoshes, which is awesome and something they should have stuck with. If this bracket broke down to "choose the thing that will let me avoid wet socks", Akron would win every year. Every. Year. They'd certainly do better against the Fighting Irish, who I'm going to say can take down a kangaroo. Are kangaroos hard to kill? I have no idea. Oh no. Maybe they're Terminators. Is that why the statue's metal? Have I underestimated the Kangaroo Threat? These are thoughts for another day when I'm less sleep deprived. Notre Dame advances

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Southwest, Round One, Part One

#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #16 Boston University Terriers

"A mythical cross between a blue jay and a sparrow hawk." Really? It seems like we're getting a little loose with what we're granting mythic status. "Oh, you know. Mythical. Like the Norse pantheon. Or King Arthur. Or the Jayhawks." It just seems like "fictional" works just as well there. Terriers, on the other hand, exist. But they're kind of difficult to get excited about in an imagined fight to the death. I know they've got a Boston Terrier pictured, but I can't keep myself from thinking that it's actually Eddie from Frasier that's going to be headed into battle here. Oddly, I think the edge goes to the Jayhawk. Maybe it can borrow Mjolnir for the fight.

#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #9 Illinois Fighting Illini

Hey everyone! It's the politically uncomfortable mascot matchup! Actually, it turns out the Rebel thing comes from when UNLV emerged from the shadow of University of Nevada - Reno, which makes the whole thing seem a bit administrative. The Illini have been surrounded by controversy over their team name and mascot, and I'm not sure how to put the fact that they retired Chief Illiniwek in 2007 into the mascot bracket, leaving them with no actual mascot. I guess it defaults to UNLV. UNLV advances


#5 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #12 Richmond Spiders

I guess if this were some sort of spider vs. small, gullible animal that would let a spider bite it matchup, there'd be some actual kind of battle here. Commodores, as far as I know, have both shoes and can potentially access a newspaper, so the Spider isn't going to stand much of a chance. Even if it's radioactive. Vanderbilt advances.


#4 Louisville Cardinals vs. #13 Morehead State Eagles

Cardinals, so far as I know, aren't particularly agressive birds. I don't think they can be what with the bright colors and poofy head feather thing. which I believe is a scientific term. The most disturbing thing about the Louisville Cardinal is that he has teeth. Which is every nightmare I'm going to have from here on out. Eagles are birds of prey, as opposed to toothy abominations, so I'm going with the mascot that doesn't make me weep uncontrollably. Morehead State advances

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - West, Round One, Part Two

I should address the obvious fact that these are going up after the tournament has started. Mostly because I have a job, and getting up an entire bracket with a paragraph on each game is hard to do between Sunday and Thursday. Given that the mascot bracket has little to do with the actual tournament and that no one in their right mind should have been using this as a guide for filling out a bracket, we're just going to ignore the fact that most of it is going up after the start of things. Expediency isn't what the mascot bracket is about. It's about trying to figure out what kind of bear will beat what kind of tiger.

#6 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. #11 Missouri Tigers

BINTURONG!

Bonus points for having the best species name thus far in the tournament. Yes. The tiger is likely going to have an advantage in a straight out one on one brawl, but bearcats can, according to Wikipedia, be vicious when cornered and have a tendency to chuckle. Also, binturong musk smells like buttered popcorn. That sounds made up. Given that, I think it's entirely reasonable to ascribe magical powers to it. Also, the Bearcats remind me of The Bear Coat, which is fun. Am I being swayed by a preference for less common mascots so that I don't have a dozen Tiger/Tiger and Bear/Bear matchups? Possibly. If that bothers you, I invite you to do your own in depth writeup of the ridiculous concept of mascot brackets. Go on. I'll wait. Cincinnati advances.

#3 UConn Huskies vs. #14 Bucknell Bisons

I'm not sure what to make of the position of the right hoof of the Bucknell Bison. I think it's supposed to look as though it's charging, which it sort of does, but it also looks like it could be hunched over and writing an angry email to everyone it knows about Obama's birth certificate. Either way, I have to imagine that the Bison is going to be more than a match for a Husky, heterochromia notwithstanding. Bucknell advances.

#7 Temple Owls vs. #10 Penn State Nittany Lions

I'll have to admit that I like Penn State in a general sort of way, and I'll even allow "Nittany Lion" to be what it's meant as; a mountain lion that hangs out around Mount Nittany. According to the Wikipedia write-up, it even originates from a Mascot Bracket style matchup.

"The mascot was the creation of Penn State senior H. D. "Joe" Mason in 1907. While on a 1904 trip to Princeton University, Mason had been embarrassed that Penn State did not have a mascot. Mason did not let that deter him: he fabricated the Nittany Lion on the spot and proclaimed that it would easily defeat the Princeton Bengal tiger.[2] The Lion's primary means of attack against the Tiger would be its strong right arm, capable of slaying any foes (this is now traditionally exemplified through one-armed push-ups after the team scores a touchdown)."

Owls are fine too (even if they're not going to have a fighting chance against a mountain lion), but if you're doing a Mascot comparison in 1907, you're making it at least to the second round. Penn State advances.

#2 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #15 Northern Colorado Bears


I'm always amused to see what a mascot in a logo is doing with its limbs. As with the Memphis Tiger, I'm kind of puzzled here. Yeah, the Bear doing some sort of menacing swat at the person who's drawing him, but he also looks like there might be a turntable just off to his lower left. I can't tell. The Aztecs probably have had to deal with a few bears in the course of their existence (there used to be a Mexican Grizzly Bear, but it's extinct now so that's probably significant). And they're likely have weapons, so they'll be able to overtake DJ RAARRGHHHGHGHH. San Diego State advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - West, Round One, Part One

#16 Hampton Pirates vs. #1 Duke Blue Devils

Every year, Duke presents a problem as I'm not sure how to deal with the ambiguity. Are they a French military force? Flowers? DC Comics' stuntman-turned-actual demon Dan Cassidy? A jazz band? Penn Jillette? I can't tell. Pirates, at least the Buccaneer version shown in the logo, are at least sort of a known quantity. They've got cutlasses and firearms and crippling alcoholism and dozens of diseases. I'm pretty sure they could handle the flowers or the jazz band (depending on the band, I guess; none of the bands I was in would have stood a chance), but they might have a harder time with an organized military unit or a blue guy with a healing factor. Given the confusion, and the fact that a lot of those diseases can be pretty nasty, we're going with the Pirates. Hampton advances.

#8 Michigan Wolverines vs. #9 Tennessee Volunteers

I know that the Volunteers they're referring to are military recruits from the wars we tended to get into in the 19th century, but as hard as I try, I can't make myself see anything but a crazed but idealistic 23 year old armed with canned goods and those hard plastic cafeteria trays from the nursing home. I guess they could have a nail gun or be guided by Jimmy Carter, but overall it's not a terribly threatening image.

Actually, it kind of is. Stone cold.

Wolverines, on the other hand, are crazy little bastards that will rip your face off. They don't even care about time spent with the Peace Corps. Sure, they're dicks, but that's not what matters. What matters is that they're going to terrorize the ideals out of their opponent, leaving him or her a shell of good intentions and tool belts. Michigan advances.

#5 Arizona Wildcats vs. #12 Memphis Tigers

We've already had this matchup, so it should be pretty obvious how it's going to go, no matter how ridiculous the "pounce" pose that the Memphis tiger seems to be stuck in is. Apparently, Memphis has a live mascot (which the website calls TOM III, all caps, which makes me think he might be a robot) who the University insists gets world-class care. I don't have any reason to think that's not the case, and so I'm left with the idea of a 600 pound cat going up against my cat, who has been sleeping since I got home from work. Memphis advances.

#4 Texas Longhorns vs. #13 Oakland Golden Grizzlies

As opposed to the "Golden Eagles", I don't think "Golden Grizzly" is a real bear. For some reason, and I'm not sure why, it makes me think that it's going to be advertising cereal. Still, if we just presume a golden grizzly is like a normal grizzly, it's basically a giant killing machine. Majestic, sure, but not something you want to go right up next to on the off chance that it'll want to hang out. Longhorns have those giant horns, and they get bonus points for being a real thing, I guess, so they could impale the bear before it got close enough to rip it to pieces, but they just seem really unwieldy. Not that I'm going to go around messing with Longhorns. It's just that in the cold, cruel world of the Mascot Bracket, "awesome but potentially unwieldy" loses to "giant claws of death". Oakland advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - East, Round One, Part Two

#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #11 Marquette Golden Eagles

Good on Marquette for picking a specific eagle and not having it be the Bald Eagle. Bald eagles are great and all, but I would have taken it as a blatant attempt to win the Murphspot Mascot Bracket through an appeal to patriotism. I'm sure Golden Eagles are as majestic as you get without fashioning a teensy crown and scepter and somehow convincing a bird to carry it. Wikipedia claims they eat not only rabbits and squirrels, but mountain goats(!) and deer (!!). I can't imagine John Darnielle is too pleased with this. But in the end, Xavier's mascot is defined by the concept that he's armed and though my shooting things out of the sky experience is terribly limited, I can't imagine that this one's going to end in the eagle's favor.

Xavier advances.

#3 Syracuse Orange vs. #14 Indiana Sycamores

Seriously?

Seriously?

Actually, reading into it, the mascot situation at Indiana State is more interesting than I would have thought at first glance. They were evidently the "Fighting Teachers" early in the school's history, which would be actually politically relevant if Indiana State were in Wisconsin. The students then voted to change it to "Sycamores", possibly as a joke. They kept using the tree as a mascot for a while, then changed it to Chief Quabachi and his Princess, both because a tree isn't ferocious (and thus would not win the Murphspot Mascot Bracket) and because "Quabachi" is potentially worth 102 points in Scrabble (not counting 50 points if it's played as a bingo). They stopped using Chief Quabachi and Princess (I can't find a name for her) in 1989, then chose "Sycamore Sam" who appears to be a blue fox, but Wikipedia calls him a "blue furry woodland creature". So I don't know. Syracuse is just named after a color and uses an anthropomophic orange, which would either be eaten by the "woodland creature" or ignored by the tree until it rotted. Either way, Indiana State advances.

#7 Washington Huskies vs. #10 Georgia Bulldogs

Given that dog fighting is a real thing, I'm feeling some trepidation about how to figure this one out, so I'll just temporarily dispense with the "which mascot would kill the other" and focus on their attributes. Huskies tend to be associated with cold climates (+1 for toughness, but -1 for reminding me that I'm in Chicago and that spring will evidently never come), but they're good if your antitoxin needs to get to Nome, and they have that heterochromia thing. Bulldogs are solidly built, but tend to suffer from hip dysplasia and will not drag a guy in a sled across barren stretches of Alaska.
Washington advances.

#2 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. #15 Long Island Blackbirds

I'm not sure if it's a positive thing or a negative if your team name makes me think of Paul McCartney. I think that's not good. If you want to progress in the mascot bracket, you should inspire fear. Well, fear that you could hurt me, not fear that you'll make me listen to the incomprehensible parts of the White Album and then pick through my trash.

Still, if "Tar Heel" simply means "North Carolinian", then I'm not sure how this is going to be much of a fight. I'm not sure how many people I know from North Carolina, but I'm pretty sure they'd be able to take care of a small bird, no matter how much a giant anthropomorphic representation is imploring them to bring it.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - East, Round One, Part One

#16 UTSA Roadrunners vs. #1 Ohio State Buckeyes

These mascot brackets would have a better chance at not being irredeemably wrong every time if Ohio State had the decency to be bad every once in a while. Yeah, Aesculus Glabra has poisonous fruit and anything called a "fetid buckeye" is enough to make me question the wisdom of going straight after it, but cartoons have led me to believe that roadrunners generally know what's up and wouldn't rush in to eat the thing.

Besides, if your entire method for killing your opponent is "hope it eats me", you're not doing so well. Sorry Ohio State, UTSA advances.

#9 Villanova Wildcats vs. #8 George Mason Patriots

I've discussed at length how overrated Wildcats are in terms of mascot ferocity in previous years, and I'd like to get over it (partly, of course, I'd like to see Northwestern do well in the event they ever make the tournament), but it's honestly kind of a high hurdle to clear. Wildcats (F. Silvestris) are barely different than housecats. And housecats are pushovers. The most I've seen Boris attack successfully was a shoestring.

Which Patriots we're referring to here aren't well defined, but just because it's fun to make this as lopsided as possible, let's presume we've got the following matchup. European Wildcat vs. MIM-104 Patriot.


VS.




You could say that cats don't fly, so using a surface-to-air missle isn't going to be effective, but by the time you did that, I'd have moved on to the next matchup. George Mason advances.

#5 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #12 UAB Blazers

West Virginia gets a bad deal in the public relations department, honestly. I've known several people from West Virginia and went there often as a kid and have very little negative to say about the experience. They're potentially fellow Pirates fans, so I can't slam them too much, which is why I'm not going to make a crack about West Virginians being unfamiliar with what a blazer is. Mountaineers, I guess, would be denizens of the Appalachian Mountains (which I'm a fan of, in my limited experience of "occasionaly driving through them), but that doesn't help the fact that Blaze is still a freaking dragon, and he's going to be hard to bring down.

Maybe they'll eventually run into some knights or something. For the time being, UAB advances.

#4 Kentucky Wildcats vs. #13 Princeton Tigers

As far as matchups go, there's not much to say when one mascot is a larger, more deadly version of the other mascot. I'm going to go ahead and admit that I'm not as familiar with Ivy League mascots as I should be (I guess?). Dartmouth's apparently got an unofficial mascot called "Keggy the Keg", which is refreshing and whimsical. But all I've got to go on is the matchup I'm presented with, and it's barely a fight. Princeton advances.

4th Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - First Four

Oh dear. It's time for the Murphspot Mascot Bracket again. For those of you who weren't here the last time this nonsense happened, it's not that difficult, really. I'm going to take the NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Championship bracket (that is, the March Madness bracket) and fill it out by comparing the relative merits of the mascots of each team. Rather than, say, their ability to be good at basketball. Ideally, each of these is going to be the answer to the question "which one of these would win in a fight to the death", with the caveat that if we run into abstract team names, teams without mascots that I can find within a very short time or any other kind of nonsense, I reserve the right to make things up.

This is supposed to be somewhere in the realm of humor. Please do not enter a March Madness pool with this bracket. You will lose. It would be hilarious.

So! To start things off: The Play In Round. Or the "First Four" if you want to go with the NCAA's marketing.

#16 University of North Carolina Asheville Bulldogs vs. #16 University of Arkansas-Little Rock Trojans



Bulldogs are one of those mascots that are used by a lot of schools, and I'm not entirely positive why. They're (from what I can tell; I haven't spent much time around bulldogs) tenacious little things, and they're pretty solidly built, and "bulldog" is easier to fit onto merchandise than, say, the University of North Carolina-Asheville Bernese Mountain Dogs. The latter doesn't really roll off the tongue, even though they're basically a bear (or "bear sized" at least. Perhaps "Large enough to make Ryan think there's a bear in the room, which is distressing". That's probably it.)

Trojans, of course, have the unfortunate fate of conjuring up images of condoms and military forces that can be fooled by giant wooden horses. It's funny, actually, how often throughout history giant wooden animals that are big enough to contain a small strike team have been pivotal in military conflicts.

(They haven't. It was just that one time.)

Still, I have to imagine the University of Arkansas - Little Rock Trojan has a sword or shield or some kind of weapon, and if I'm going to link it to prophylactics, I should also note that Trojan Records is pretty awesome, and having Trojans as a mascot this early gives me an excuse to post a link to Toots and the Maytals. That's enough to clinch it. UALR advances.

#12 University of Alabama at Birmingham Blazers vs. #12 Clemson Tigers



I was momentarily kind of worried that UAB was somehow employing sportcoats into a ridiculous yachting mascot (yachting? regattaful? I have no idea what the proper term is). But no. They went the awesome route and employed a goddamn dragon. Named Blaze. Which actually increases the odds he's wearing a sportcoat.

Clemson's got a tiger, which would usually be pretty fierce, but as far as I know, it's not a tiger that breathes fire or guards a hoard of treasure at the Lonely Mountain. And even the logo isn't a tiger, but rather the proof that the tiger has recently been here.

It probably isn't here any more because it's running from the fashionable dragon. UAB advances

#16 University of Texas-San Antonio Roadrunners vs. #16 Alabama State Hornets



Good on UTSA for not using the obvious preexisting character and coming up with their own logo. Oregon, take notes. Plus, Geococcyx is one of the better genus names out there. Hornets, on the other hand are annoying if you come across them unexpectedly and don't have a can of Raid on hand. Otherwise, they're not that intimidating. Add in that, evidently, roadrunners eat insects. I could probably make up something to make this more competitive, but this is about integrity, damn it. UTSA advances.

#11 USC Trojans vs. #11 Virginia Commonwealth University Rams



Trojans, again? Already? We've just started and we're already getting repetitive with our mascots. Rams, on the other hand, have awesome horns and are "uncastrated male sheep" which means, to me at least, that they know enough about how to fight humans that they were able to keep the guy with the scissors at bay. They're not horses, obviously, but I really think the whole "hide in a giant wooden cart that we wheel in to the city" would have worked whether the ungulate they used were odd or even-toed. I just don't have that much faith in the Trojans. VCU advances.