Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket, West, Round One, Part Two

#6 Murray State Racers vs. #11 Colorado State Rams

Both schools here have an actual, living mascot, which I think makes me a little uncomfortable about speculating about which one would win in a fight to the death.

Not so uncomfortable that I won’t proceed, though.


Murray State’s got Racer One, a disappointingly generically named Thoroughbred who makes me think we’re playing an arcade game from the early 90s. Cruis’n USA, maybe. Racer One apparently runs around the field following a touchdown, which isn’t relevant here, but is more interesting than sitting in stable all day getting fat off of the flesh of other mascots.

Colorado State’s got CAM the Ram, a bighorn sheep with an initialism for a name and some ridiculously curved horns.



Note: Sheep pupils are rectangular and I may or may not have an irrational fear of them.

So, yes, CAM would likely be able to cause some damage by headbutting Racer One, but he’s still a sheep, while Racer One’s filled with adrenaline from getting HBO to stop production on Luck. Plus, Racer One’s presumably got metal on his hooves, which seems like it’d hurt.

Murray State advances

#3 Marquette Golden Eagles vs. #14 Iona Gaels

I’m sorry. I’ve been doing this for years, and every time I get to Marquette, all I can see is this.



I know. They were the Screaming Eagles. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

It’s a little ridiculous, as Golden Eagles exist and seem to be able to fend for themselves pretty well without assistance from Jerry Van Dyke and Bill Fagerbakke, while Screaming Eagles are, I’m pretty sure, what you see when you have some sort of horrible drug interaction.

Falconry appears to have been practiced more widely among the Saxons than the Gaels, so Iona’s not going to be able to rely on simply being able to control the Golden Eagles, and I’m unfamiliar with any origin story that makes Hawkman a Gael (Ancient Egyptian prince or Space Policeman from Thanagar, sure, but never Gaelic). They did have weapons, though, while the eagle is going to have to try to rip apart its big creepy head.

I don’t see that happening, especially with all those damned teeth.

Iona advances

#7 Florida Gators vs. #10 Virginia Cavaliers

Cavman seems skeptical.



I assume he’s trying to figure out whether the right side of his hat is meant to evoke a feather or some sort of ridiculous fur trim.

Alligators are intimidating in that “reptiles shouldn’t be that large or keen on eating people” sort of way, and they’re at least somewhat more appropriate in Florida, where I understand they exist, than as the mascot for my alma mater, where they don’t.

On the other hand, the Cavalier explicitly has a sword, which gives him some range over the Gator and, I think, is enough for a victory.

Virginia advances

#2 Missouri Tigers vs. #15 Norfolk State Spartans

If nothing else, this is a better matchup than the Spartan/Blackbird match earlier this round. There aren’t tigers in Laconia as far as I know, so it’s possible that the Spartans wouldn’t quite know what to do with a tiger.

On the other hand, Tru, the Missouri Mascot looks like this:



I don’t know what it is, but that looks like the most vulnerable tiger I’ve ever seen. I think maybe the stripe above his eyes? Like he’s pleading for approval. And I’d like to give it to him, but this bracket is about survival and fighting prowess and utter nonsense, so I’ll assume the Spartan’s well trained enough to pull this off.

I’m sorry, Tru. It’s ok. I’ll get you some ice cream. Maybe next year.

Norfolk State advances

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Final Four and Championship

#15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies


It's a testament to the degree to which I make this up as I go that this is what we've wound up with in the Final Four. I've been talking up the honesty of the Golden Grizzlies lately, but I think the wildcard here is the ingenuity of the Santa Barbara Gaucho. I mean, their job is subduing animals, to an extent. Further, a friend of mine works at a Brazilian Steakhouse, and her restaurant refers to the guys that come around with the giant skewers full of meat as "gauchos", so they've clearly got something going on. In the end, I'm going to defer to the UC Santa Barbara Gauchos' stealth and meat-powers.

UC Santa Barbara advances to the final.

#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers


I've been way too big on the Demon Deacons. The Boilermakers have practical knowledge and would be pretty damn useful in an emergency. I'm not sure what a Demon Deacon would do. Read the bible from a motorcycle, I guess. Which is, you know, impressive, but not precisely useful. I'm going to say that this match ends when the Boilermakers use their boilermaking abilities to knock out the lights, then attack the Demon Deacons with an acetylene torch.

Purdue advances to the final.

FINAL

#15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers


The Gauchos have come pretty far since defeating Ohio State back in the first round. Purdue's been steady; a high seed that kept on keeping on, what with being (as far as I can tell) a train full of welders. It's an epic showdown with hammers and lassos and welding masks. I wasn't sure which way this was going to go upon first inspection. But then, the answer revealed itself. Nerdiness solves all problems.



That is El Gaucho. He's a member of a group called "Batmen of All Nations", a story that appeared in Detective Comics #215 and revisited during Grant Morrison's run on Batman. The Batmen of All Nations are various heroes from across the world inspired by Batman to fight crime locally. That solved it.

Batman (or in this case, a Batman analogue) always wins.

Your 2010 Murphspot Mascot Bracket Champions.

University of California - Santa Barbara Gauchos

The Laundry Adventure

I'm currently writing from inside the “Morland Cleaners”, the first laundromat I've ever had to use. Actually, no, that's a lie. We used one when several friends of mine and I went to Ocean City, Maryland after our senior year, but I don't really know why. I guess because it was between our apartment and the tattoo parlor (which was technically in Delaware). Anyway, that has been my only experience with laundromats until today, if you don't count that one episode of Dragnet where Sgt. Friday kills someone and they have to find the bullet in the laundromat or he'll be fired. The washer is broken in my building, and rather than schlep wet clothes back there to dry, I figured I'd do it all here.

I'm trying to spend the same amount I usually do on laundry ($2.50), but we'll see if these clothes need another twelve minutes of drying soon enough. Actually, by the time I post this, I'll know, and will be able to update you. I'll leave that until the end, though. Building suspense and all that.

Morland, by the way, is likely taken from the fact that it's near Ashland on Morse, which takes me back to my first apartment, on Sheridan and Glenlake, which was called “Sheridan-Glen” and which was a nice, quaint little 4+1, with crackheads in the lobby, a washer immediately above my apartment which, it turns out, the management company had not had a plumber check out, and so drained into my kitchen sink and a never-ending roach problem. It was fun. Anyway, this place seems to be much better, despite the “parts of street names” name, though I think that might be because I can leave soon. There are knick-knacks all over (I guess that's the name for them), including, from what I can see from my position facing the manager's office, some Indian corn and chili peppers stapled together, a sort of weird hook-golden-with-jingle-bells Christmas tree, a bunch of puppies, two of whichever the red Teletubby is, and a variety of lollipops, not least of which are both Dum-dums and Ring-pops, which I remember being kind of unpleasant and never fitting without pinching. Oh, there's also a pretty phenomenal clock which is in the shape of the top half of a gold wristwatch on the far wall. I'd appreciate a bit more air-conditioning (I've become spoiled since buying a window unit last week) and a bit fewer mosquitoes (but if you've got to have the doors open because there's no air, I guess I understand), but overall, not an unpleasant experience. There is a telenovela blaring on the television, but that's better than silence, I guess, and if I start coming here more often, I may even start trying to pick up some Spanish again. There's also a lot of signs, most of which are along the lines of “Please don't break everything”, but one that reads “You are responsible for your child's behavior and well-being” I find kind of poignant. It probably says something about me that rather than bringing a book, I brought a laptop because I knew I wouldn't be too distracted by the internet to actually write a few posts, but let's just leave that where it is.

So yes. 3.1/5 stars for the Morland Cleaners, on the “Scale I Just Made Up” scale of Murphspot. I'm not sure where other things rank, so for reference, name things in the comments, whereupon I will offer snap judgements.

Oh, and the dryer seemed to work solid enough on 3 quarters (36 minutes). If it gets me writing again, I may start coming here more often.