Mascot Bracket, Round One East

Play-in Game

Mount St. Mary's Mountaineers vs. Coppin State Eagles

This one's pretty easy. Mountaineers tend to have guns, and eagles tend to be vulnerable to guns. Even if we take away the weaponry, I'm going with the Mountaineer. I'd like to take some points away from Mount St. Mary's for having "The Mount" as the logo, rather than telling me what the mascot is directly or having some kind of an illustration, but as this is the play-in game, I'll let it slide.

North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Mount St. Mary's Mountaineers

I was tempted to go with the Mountaineers again, but on further reflection, the name Tar Heel applies to inhabitants of North Carolina generally, some of whom are probably Mountaineers and some of whom evidently control rams and make them do their bidding. I'll go with North Carolina.

Indiana Hoosiers vs. Arkansas Razorbacks

Hoosiers could also have guns, but I'm going to have to go with the Razorbacks here. Angry hogs are, I imagine hard to deal with, and Wikipedia claims that they "can become very dangerous if they are cornered, wounded, or with young, and can injure and even kill humans and other animals."

As Wikipedia is the infallible source of all information on anything, I'm going with Arkansas.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. George Mason Patriots

It's St. Patrick's Day, and I feel as though I should go with Notre Dame, if only because I'm named "Murphy" and they've got "Fighting" in their name and who doesn't love a good caricature? But Patriots, and I'm going with "Patriots" in the sense of the Founding Fathers, had something to fight for and had actually participated in a war. And they weren't drunk. All the time. George Mason it is.

Washington State Cougars vs. Winthrop Eagles

Provided they had to interact (that is, the eagle couldn't just fly the hell away), this is no contest. Cougars all the way.

Oklahoma Sooners vs. St. Joseph's Hawks

Every other one of these teams is named after residents of the state or, in the case of the Oklahohma Sooners, settlers who earned a part in the Homestead Act and, apparently, farmed. Actually, the hawks might be able to help them out by preying on pests, but let's not get all nice and cuddly here. Hawks are apparently intelligent and while a Sooner could theoretically just grab the hawk and crush it to death, I have a feeling that with the clawing and the scratching, the Hawk's coming out ahead in the fight. St. Joseph's it is.

Louisville Cardinals vs. Boise State Broncos

Again with the birds. They're making this hard because it's not a very likely scenario that a seed-eating songbird is going to go at it with a horse. Cardinals are, in my experience, relatively tame birds, and that Bronco looks kind of angry, so I'm going to have to go with Boise State in this one.

Butler Bulldogs vs. South Alabama Jaguars

I have friends that went to Butler, so I'd like to come up with some insane reason that a bulldog, which I'm not even sure is a dog that's renowned for its ferocity, is going to take down a jaguar, but it's just not happening. South Alabama in a mascot-rout.

Tennessee Volunteers vs. American Eagles

I'm only a quarter of the way through the bracket, and I'm already ready to break something if I see another goddamn Eagle. This is the problem with schools today. Not funding or overworked teachers, but the inability to have a little creativity in coming up with a mascot. Because I'm sick of birds, I'm going to presume this is the Volunteers (who have hammers and nails) against people who work at American Eagle, who have hair gel and money. I'm going with the Volunteers.

When I feel like it, the Midwest will be up.