3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Sweet Sixteen - East/South

#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #4 Wisconsin Badgers


When I decided that Wake Forest would make it past the first round, I thought the Demon Deacons would be knocked out relatively quickly. They've hung in there, and now they're going up against something from the Weasel family in a sweater. I guess it could give the Deacon rabies, but we've seen over and over that there's nothing more the Deacon likes to do than tool around on his motorcycle. The badger's roadkill, and I somehow managed to get through Wisconsin's tenure in the tournament without it devolving into just saying "Badger Badger" over and over until a snake shows up. Mushroom Mushroom.

Wake Forest advances.

#14 Montana Grizzlies vs. #2 West Virginia Mountaineers


I've been in enough houses with bear rugs to know the outcome of this one. The grizzlies had a good run, and I'm sorry to see them go, but if there's one thing the mountaineer has, it's guns. Lots and lots of guns. And occasionally some hunting permits. Sometimes.

West Virginia advances.

#8 California Golden Bears vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers


As well as bears were doing, they've been running into opponents they can't match up against. Whether it's the guy with the arc welder or a train that's been built onto a truck chassis, it's someone with superior weaponry or several thousand pounds of force behind it. Were they the California Titanium Bears, then maybe. As it stands? Purdue advances.

#3 Baylor Bears vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials


There were revolutionary era battlefields around the area where I grew up, and I think I would have been a lot more interested when we took trips to them in elementary school if there were at least one or two stories about the fort being overrun by bears. Hell, if that's what happened to Roanoke, I'm officially interested. Unfortunately, to my knowledge, none of that ever transpired. It's a shame. I'm going to assume it's because bears were terrified of the Colonials and their well known advanced anti-bear tactics. Robert Morris advances.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Sweet Sixteen - Midwest/West

#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #5 Michigan State Spartans


The Spartans get a lot of credit, but honestly, I'm not sure they have enough going for them to win this. They've got their spears and swords and shields, but they don't have a Smith & Wesson. The Runnin' Rebel presumably does. And the Spartans are led by Gerard Butler, which may have been intimidating if he weren't in every romantic comedy that comes out these days.

P.S. I'LL KILL YOU

Unfortunately for military city-states everywhere, the Spartans don't have enough to make it to the Elite Eight. UNLV advances.

#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #15 UCSB Gauchos


Well, Aztecs were in the southern part of Mexico, while gauchos are more associated with the Brazil, Argentina and Chile. If this were the Aztecs vs. the Charros (horsemen from mexico, not Charo, which would be terrifying, but not as relevant), it might have some weird political undertones. As it stands, we have a 15th century empire in Mesoamerica going up against what I've previously established as "Ninja Cowboys". This one goes to the Gauchos due to their superior weaponry and ability to disappear into the shadows. UCSB advances

#9 Florida State Seminoles vs. #4 Vanderbilt Commodores


Again with the making me uncomfortable with the inherent politics of the mascot bracket. But this is my lot in life, so I had better just get down to it. The Seminoles are one of the few NCAA teams to use their mascot with permission from the Seminole Tribe of Florida, which is nice. Still, the Commodores have cannons, subordinates and recorded "Brick House".

If this were the Murphspot Funk Bracket, this would be over already

Good luck getting that out of your head ever. Vanderbilt advances.

#14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies vs. #7 Brigham Young Cougars


These bear/large cat matchups are both entirely too common and still somehow pretty awesome. Given that I've already had the Golden Grizzlies beat the Panthers and have established them as sufficiently badass to take down P. concolor generally, but particularly if they're from Provo. Have you seen the flag Provo came up with?


This is the flag Provo came up with. Prrrovo!

Oakland advances.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round Two - South Region

#1 Duke Blue Devils vs. #8 California Golden Bears


I've given the Duke Blue Devil credit for being a DC superhero and last year for being a french military unit. The problem is that I've been ignoring the "sadness demon" interpretation. "Blue devils" were evidently shortened to "the blues" which is good from the perspective that it gave B.B. King a career and St. Louis a hockey team, but not so good considering we're still talking about sadness demons. I guess it could make the Golden Bears depressed, but I'm much more inclined to think the bears will be all about eating the sadness demons and then going off into the sunset to enjoy another day of being enormous and having ridiculous teeth. Cal advances.

#12 Utah State Aggies vs. #5 Purdue Boilermakers


Let's settle on the definition of "steel worker" for boilermaker. Or a shot of whiskey and a beer. Whichever. The latter's more fun, but is also probably not an NCAA-approved mascot. How would the smug bipedal bull fare? Well, not great against welding tools, but if it can surprise the boilermaker, he might have a shot. Then again, he might be too wrapped up in his stylish pompadour to put up much of a fight. I'm going with the Boilermakers, primarily because of The Boilermaker Jazz Band. I've seen them a lot, and you do not want to be on their bad side. Purdue advances.

#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #3 Baylor Bears


Taking down monarchy seems plausible enough for the Fighting Irish. I don't think there are many bears in Ireland, and as the Notre Dame leprechaun seems determined to confine his combat style to "boxing in the 1930's", Baylor's not going to have too much of a challenge here. I'm not sure what happens when the Final Four is all bears and people, but I'm pretty sure it's the worst book club in history. Baylor advances.

#10 St. Mary's Gaels vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials


Now I just feel like I'm picking on the Irish. But there's just not that much for me to work with here. Robert Morris has the Colonial Army. St. Mary's has a mascot, dressed in a suit of armor which is apparently inflatable and they've chosen to call him Gael Force One.

What?

Here.

I'm not even going to bother making a joke. Look at this.

Look at this. Tell me this is going to beat a guy with a musket and a fancy hat. He's not. Robert Morris advances.

Incidentally, I apologize for not having these up before the beginning of the tournament, but if you were seriously looking here for bracket help, you may not be competent to testify in a court of law. I'm not checking any results until I'm done with this, so it won't affect the integrity of the mascot bracket.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round Two - East Region

#16 ETSU Buccaneers vs. #9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons


Obviously, the buccaneer has got cutlasses and single shot pistols and some kind of disease that turns him blue. So you'd think they'd be more than a match for the Demon Deacons. Look at the mascot again. Look at his pupils. There's a chance the demon in question is methamphetamines. That might not be enough, but then I saw yet another picture of him on a motorcycle.


It's apparently all he does.

I'm convinced that he's packing heat in that top hat. Wake Forest advances.

#5 Temple Owls vs. #4 Wisconsin Badgers


I was very generous in giving the Owls a second-round berth, and I initially thought that since owls are birds of prey, they might stand a chance, but Wikipedia informs me that badgers are capable of fighting off wolves. I've never had personal contact with either badgers or owls, but I'm going to go with the one that fights wolves back over the one that steals Tootsie Pops from children. Wisconsin advances.

#11 Washington Huskies vs. #14 Montana Grizzlies


I feel good about this. I allowed a dog into the second round. I'm not a monster. Grizzlies, however, basically are. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if a grizzly bear came upon a husky, the husky would wag its tail and then get eviscerated. No chance. And look how happy the grizzly is about the whole situation.


Hooray! The happiest bear in history!

Montana advances.

#10 Missouri Tigers vs. #2 West Virginia Mountaineers



I don't want to demean the hunting prowess of people who live in the Appalachian mountains. They can kill deer, and bears and basically anything that wanders across their property line. One of my favorite bits of the original Dawn of the Dead occurs when the main characters are flying from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh by helicopter and note that the residents of Central Pennsylvania are hunting the zombies for sport, because that's exactly what they'd do. Still, tigers are a different thing altogether, possibly. They're fast, they're pretty good at ripping throats out and they advertise sugary cereals, which would tend to give the Mountaineer Type II diabetes. The final verdict? West Virginia advances because the mountaineers in question are insane enough to get the job done before the tiger knows what hit it.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round Two - West Region

#16 Vermont Catamounts vs. #9 Florida State Seminoles


Is it just me, or does the Vermont Catamount look like he's a supervillain who's just let his mortal enemy escape? He's just got a very "You'll rue the day" look about him. The Seminole on the other hand appears to be either yelling, yawning or singing. For the sake of a more interesting mascot bracket, let's presume he's singing. He's singing because he's just killed the catamount and made a nice rug out of it. Florida State advances.

#12 UTEP Miners vs. #4 Vanderbilt Commodores



That miner looks surly. Which, I would be as well. Mining isn't pleasant work. And I'm still unsettled by the way he's holding that pickaxe, but displeasure and possible dangerous instability only gets you so far in life. Commodores are trained. They've got discipline. They've got people unnder their command, and they haven't been underground breathing coal dust. They don't rely on canaries, for the most part, unless the canaries are really skilled military strategists. And they look like this, apparently.

AaaaAAAAHHH. What is going on with his neck? Thanks for the nightmares, Vanderbilt.

Vanderbilt advances.

#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies


Time to switch it up. Musketeers have muskets, but they've also got wide brimmed hats with ridiculously huge feathers. They've got billowy shirtsleeves that inhibit movement, and they're apparently too consumed with running their organic meat distribution agency to notice the fact that they've got a grizzly with muscle definition that I'm pretty sure no actual bears have bearing down on them. Plus, he's one of the few mascots that's clearly actively swiping. Most bear mascots have just had a "talk to the hand" gesture. Grizz (as wikipedia informs me he is named) means business. Oakland advances

#7 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #15 North Texas Mean Green


I don't know. I still sort of want to favor North Texas because of the Mean Joe Greene connection, but as great a tackle as he was, he never really took to the field with more than his pads, his cleats and four Super Bowl rings. And that little kid wandering around with a Coke. Still, it's a color, and the extra weight of the school's alumni isn't going to help them here. Brigham Young advances.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round Two - Midwest Region

#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels


Tough call. Militant abolitionists fighting to preserve Kansas as a Free State (notable as it's geographically isolated by Missouri, which was in the Union, but which allowed slavery). The Runnin' Rebels power comes primarily from their moustache and their revolvers. While they're not from Missouri, and Nevada was part of the Union, the "Rebels" bit implies Confederate sympathies. Which makes this not so much a mascot matchup, but more of exactly the plot of The Outlaw Josey Wales. Which means the Runnin' Rebel is Clint Eastwood. Without giving too much away in terms of spoilers of a 34 year old Western, let's just say that if Clint Eastwood movies have any connection to reality, UNLV advances.

#5 Michigan State Spartans vs. #13 Houston Cougars


Cougars are terrifying, but so are Spartans. And one of them has weaponry. I'm not sure if I've ever definitively decided that the mascot matchup is a one-on-one sort of deal or if several cougars are fighting several Spartans. Either way, I can't see how the cougars come out ahead in this. Even if you grant cougars the same equipment, cougars and weapons only ever win on heavy metal album covers. Michigan State advances

#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #14 Ohio Bobcats


This is starting to get a little specist, but historically, Aztecs and Bobcats may have interacted (though bobcats may not have lived far south enough). If they did, I'm pretty certain that the bobcats didn't come out victorious. San Diego State advances

#7 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. #15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos


An interesting matchup in what has quickly become the All-Human region, this looks like an interesting matchup on the face of it. A few things wind up influencing the outcome. First, look at the Gauchos logo. That, my friends, is a gaucho who knows a thing or two about steath. That's the ninja of gauchos. Additionally, this was evidently the Oklahoma State logo prior to 2000.

Is that Bruno Kirby? I think that's Bruno Kirby!
While that's a fine moustache, he's clearly going to have some manueverability issues. Not so with ninjagaucho. UC Santa Barbara advances

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round One - South Region

#1 Duke Blue Devils vs. #16 University of Arkansas Pine Bluff Golden Lions


Last year, at first, I just sort of accepted that Duke's name was a references to Les Diables Bleus, a french military group. That may have been a bit hasty. There's also the Australian plant. And the mythological devils that bring sadness. Which is pretty weak. And the Graphic Design lion is a pretty formidable opponent. In the end, my nerdiness kicked in and reminded me of Blue Devil. Graphic Design Lion is impressive, but Blue Devil's got the Trident of Lucifer and a healing factor. Duke advances

#8 California Golden Bears vs. #9 Louisville Cardinals


I'm no ornithologist, but I'm pretty sure that if you're surrounded by Cardinals, you're going to be ok as long as you're not seeds. Which the Golden Bears most certainly aren't. I guess you could argue that they should get some sort of bonus in the threat department now that they're getting hitting instruction from Mark McGwire, but that's too much of a stretch even for me. Cal advances.

#5 Texas A&M Aggies vs. #12 Utah State Aggies


The Clemson/Missouri Tiger vs. Tiger match was at least made a bit more sensible by the fact that there are a lot of schools that share the "Tigers" team name. Aggies? I don't know. I could compare the programs, I guess, and try to determine which school turns out the superior Agricultural students, but that violates the point of the mascot bracket. A comparison of their mascots reveals the victor. Texas A&M has a Collie called Reveille. Utah State has a smug looking bull called "Big Blue". Seriously, look at the way he's standing. He doesn't have time for this. Utah State Advances

#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #13 Siena Saints


Saints might be threatening if we were talking about people who have been canonized, but as far as I can tell, the Siena Saints mascot is a St. Bernard. I know, the way this mascot bracket has been going it has to seem like I hate dogs. I don't. I like dogs. I just don't think they're suited for battle. Boilermakers (if they refer to steelworkers) have welding equipment and a pretty awesome mask. The Purdue mascot, the Boilermaker Special, is a train. In the eternal battle of dog vs. train, train wins. Purdue advances.

#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs


Oh hey, it's the politically loaded NCAA matchup. Yeah, technically the mascot of the Old Dominion monarchs is a crown-wearing lion swatting with his paw the way most cats I've been around do when they want you to go away. On the other hand, Ireland is still not part of the United Kingdom, and monarchies are well known for lounging around in rooms filled with gold. Can't buy me a second round berth. Notre Dame advances.

#3 Baylor Bears vs. #14 Sam Houston State Bearkats


Ridiculous misspellings aside, I'm begining to become concerned about the prevalence of bears in the second round. And the prevalence of bears in my neighborhood in Chicago, but that's just my personal paranoia kicking in. Bearcats (or Binturongs!) are the size of large cats, and I just really can't think of a situation in which that's going to take down a bear. Baylor advances, but I don't feel very good about it.

#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #10 Saint Mary's Gaels


I personally really, really dislike spiders. I'm not alone in that; during an interview for NPR's "Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me", Phillipe Petit, the tightrope walker that walked between the World Trade Center buildings said that he was afraid of things with "too many legs or not enough legs." WHich makes me feel better. But even if spiders were as dangerous as my brain keeps telling me they are, the Gael depicted in St. Mary's team logo has armor and a sword and, presumably, a shoe. Saint Mary's advances and helps to rid the world of the arachnid menace.

#2 Villanova Wildcats vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials


The thing about this is that my graduate school, Northwestern, is the Wildcats. So you'd think I'd have some sort of interest in seeing at least one wildcat make it past the first round. I don't. The mascot bracket is unassailable. And even if I wanted to give Villanova a break, what the hell is the cat on top of the V doing? If a cat did that to me while crouching on a huge V, I would shove it the hell off. Not in a way that would hurt it, of course. It would need to understand that that kind of shit is unacceptable. The colonials depicted have guns, but even if they were just colonials in the sense that they live in a colony, they'd be able to take care of a cat. Robert Morris advances.

End of Round One.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round One - East Region

#1 Kentucky Wildcats vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

Sure, a #16 seed has never upset a #1 seed, but the mascot bracket pays no attention to history. Or statistics. Or basketball, really. And so, again, we're faced with a high-seed team that chose to go with "Wildcats" as a mascot, while their opponent has elected to go for the Cyanotic Pirates. Which, incidentally, will be the name of my noise rock/psychedelic band. We'll rock so hard it'll discolor your nailbeds. East Tennessee State advances.

#8 Texas Longhorns vs. #9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons

I remember being skeptical last year of the Demon Deacons. It's really hard for me to believe that clergy is going to put up much of a fight (purely based on the deacons I've met, so admittedly a weak assertion logically), but then I've not read Preacher yet. In any case, my concerns were set aside after I found this image of the Demon Deacon.

Look at that! I had no idea they had motorcycles. This changes everything. Sure, longhorns have horns and all, but they're still cattle. The Demon Deacon is a leather jacket and a jukebox punching away from being the Fonz. Wake Forest advances and impregnates women by looking at them.

#5 Temple Owls vs. #12 Cornell Big Red

I'll give Cornell this; they've managed to take a team name like "Big Red" which is either another abstract team name or a sad commentary on the degree of product placement in the Ivy League and involve a bear somehow. Normally, that's all I'd need to know, especially given that it's going up against an Owl, but look at the logo. Even if I grant them the bear despite being Cornell Big Red, the Cornell C is clearly restraining the bear, as though the bear just had its mother insulted at 1:30am in a dingy bar that can't decide whether it's serving Pabst Blue Ribbon ironically. In a huge upset and because owls are terrifying, Temple advances.

#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #13 Wofford Terriers

Terriers? I mean, that looks as though it's a Boston Terrier, which I guess is one of the more stout-looking terriers, but that's probably only because Wofford had the good sense to expel the guy who suggested that they be the Wofford Yorkies. I guess you could try to say they're attempting to embody the fearlessness of terriers, but that unfortunately brings with it the hyperactivity and yipping. The point is that if you're going to choose a dog as an athletic nickname, it might be better to make it one that's not puntable. Badgers, on the other hand, are mean little bastards in stylish collegiate sweaters. Wisconsin advances.

#6 Marquette Golden Eagles vs. #11 Washington Huskies

Huskies are more like it. With that whole apparent "pulling sleds across tundra thing" and all. I mean, if they were as fierce as is necessary to win the Murphspot Mascot Bracket, they'd probably stage an uprising against the people responsible for strapping them to sleds and running them across Alaska. Still, you could do worse. The Golden Eagles are what all of the other eagles in the bracket are (plus the Golden bonus), so they've got lots of clawing and biting on their side. Matchup between full-on adults? I have no idea. I imagine an eagle wouldn't be all that tempted to go directly after a Husky, and because the dogs are due, I'll say that Washington advances

#3 New Mexico Lobos vs. #14 Montana Grizzlies

There's a team called the Lobos. "Lobo" is one of the words I actually remember from my high school Spanish class, but let's get down to business. Clearly, while the logo displays a wolf, there is also significant homage paid to DC Comics' Lobo, made even more impressive by the fact that the New Mexico mascot predates Lobo by 63 years. Still, parodies of what was wrong with comic book tough guys in the nineties are pretty hard to beat. Grizzlies, though, are huge and will kill you. And then Werner Herzog will make a film about you and most people will wonder what on earth you were doing trying to live amongst things that will kill and eat you. Montana advances, and I feel a twinge of disappointment in Lobo.

#7 Clemson Tigers vs. #10 Missouri Tigers

Oh come on. Last year's bracket had an overabundance of tigers (Memphis and LSU in addition to the two in this matchup), so I guess it's nice that at least one tiger is going down in the first round. Neither specifies a kind of tiger, so the only way I can make this decision is to default to the fact that Missouri actually has a tiger in their team logo (as opposed to just evidence that a tiger has stopped by) and they've got a mascot named Truman. Good enough for me. Missouri advances.
#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #15 Morgan State Grizzlies

It's hard to beat a bear in the mascot tournament, but what on earth is the Morgan State Grizzly doing? Other bears in this tournament had the decency to be menacing, but what is that pose? It's like he was just happened upon by the paparazzi. As far as the matchup goes, it's marginally relevant that I grew up in a semi-rural area of western Pennsylvania. I was not in Appalachia, but I have been through Appalachia and anyone who qualifies as a mountaineer is not only going to have their living quarters littered with bear pelts, they're going to be capable of taking down a bear with the sheer power of their facial hair. Which is fine with me in terms of the mascot bracket. I'm still terrified of them. West Virginia advances

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round One - West Region

#1 Syracuse Orange vs. #16 Vermont Catamounts

If they were still the Syracuse Orangemen, I'd have a remarkably easy setup for a joke about Jersey Shore. Sadly, that is not The Situation. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think of "Orange". It appears to be an abstract team name (even though their mascot, Otto, is an orange, they are the Orange, not the Oranges). I guess it's better that way, as citrus doesn't have a whole lot to do with Upstate New York. Vermont, on the other hand, picked the most inexplicable name for P. Concolor, and I'm going to give them some points for that. They could have gone with Mountain Screamer but then they'd be required to build a theme park, I think. Still, while not part of their diet as far as I know, I'm going to say that the catamount is going to be more than enough of a match for the fruit/color/concept. Vermont advances.

#8 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. #9 Florida State Seminoles

I haven't been around many bulldogs in my lifetime, but it just seems like you could have picked a more intimidating breed of dog. Sure, they've got that underbite thing, but I feel like most of Gonzaga's bulldog's reputation comes from its spiked collar, which wasn't even its decision. It's not even like they've got particularly long legs. Seminoles, on the other hand, have spears and were presumably pretty good at hitting things that moved a lot more quickly than bulldogs. Florida State advances in a walk.

#5 Butler Bulldogs vs. #12 University of Texas - El Paso Miners

I appreciate that UTEP went with Miners. Coming from Western Pennsylvania, it's nice to see miners get some recognition. Granted, the UTEP miner appears to be outside and above ground. And he's wielding that pickaxe in a pretty threatening manner; as though he's chasing someone off of his lawn rather than excavating minerals. I think that impression is helped by the scowl. Most mascots don't have that much of a scowl. Someone has pissed that miner off. I'm guessing it was the bulldog, who's still not that threatening. UTEP advances. Can we be done with bulldogs now?

#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #13 Murray State Racers
As
I'm not going to pretend I'm older than I am, but I do remember futzing around with something that vaguely resembled a Commodore 64 in the basement of my elementary school. It likely wasn't, and it was something else that I was attempting to learn BASIC on, but how can I possibly not give Vanderbilt some kind of bonus for that? I'd have initially invoked the Navy, but apparently "Commodore" is no longer a rank. Which is a shame. We can equate "Commodore" with "Rear Admiral", but why bother? It's going up against Racers. Whose purpose is to either run away or run along a predefined course for a time, then stop. Sorry, Murray State, but this means something.* Vanderbilt Advances

#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #11 Minnesota Golden Gophers

Let's go ahead and keep running with the idea that "golden x" is better than "x", because I'm feeling idolatrous and gaudy. The problem is that it only elevates "golden x" over other "x", it says nothing about "y". And, unfortunately for Minnesota, calling the gophers golden doesn't elevate the gophers above guys with muskets. They ruin gardens, they're rodents and there's no conceivable way they win against musketeers. Hell, this guy took down a whole gopher village.


I'll forgive the fact that you were in Scooby Doo 2 just this once.

If you're getting impaled and roasted by Tim Blake Nelson, you're going out in round one. Xavier advances.

#3 Pittsburgh Panthers vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies

See, this is what the mascot bracket is about? If you put a panther and a bear into a cage, which is coming out? Why are either coming out? What were you thinking opening the door after one killed the other. These are dangerous animals. You really shouldn't just let either bears or panthers out into the public, particularly after they've tasted the undeniable glory of killing another being. As much as it goes against my rooting interest as a Pittsburgher, I can't just ignore the reality of what would happen here. The panther doesn't stand a chance. Oakland advances.

#7 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #10 Florida Gators

There sure are a lot of cougars/pumas/panthers/catamounts in this tournament. Finally, both teams seem to have picked things that are at least plausibly native to the areas in which the campuses are situated. As concerned as I am about an overabundance of cougars in the next few rounds, I'm going to have to say that the Gators are no match for Cougars. From a maneuverability standpoint, from a "can get reasonably far away from marshes" standpoint, from a stubby vs. nonstubby leg standpoint, it's no contest. I don't care if you haven't changed that much since the Mesozoic. That just makes it more sensible that you live in Florida. Brigham Young advances.

#2 Kansas State Wildcats vs. #15 North Texas Mean Green

I know that earlier in this very post, I was down on the idea of naming yourself after a color, but there's something about adding an adjective to it that improves it in my eyes. I'm still feeling a bit let down by the idea of Wildcats after finding out that they're pretty puny, and a bit of research reveals that North Texas changed its team name from the Eagles (which are still represented in the logo) to Mean Green in honor of Mean Joe Greene, which as a Steelers fan, I'm going to allow. I'm sorry if it seems like favoritism after I had Syracuse go down earlier in this write up, but if the matchup is "timid feral cat" vs. "Mean Joe", Mean Joe wins every time. North Texas advances.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round One - Midwest Region

#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #16 Lehigh Mountain Hawks

When I first considered this, it looked like I'd be starting the bracket out with an unprecedented upset. After all, if it's hawk-on-hawk, I'm going to go with the one that exists and has "Mountain" in the name over the one that doesn't and has a mascot wearing buckled shoes. Reconsidering the origins changes the picture. Mountain Hawks are, as close as I can figure, Mountain Hawk-eagles which presumably swoops down and grabs whatever the hell it pleases. The big blue chicken Jayhawk thing shouldn't stand a chance, except that "Jayhawker" was a term for militant abolitionists in Kansas who formed guerilla groups to fight off pro-slavery factions. That's pretty badass. Given that they're militants, I'm going once again with the argument that they win because they have guns and I don't care where Lehigh's hawks are coming from. There ain't no mountain high enough, if you'll permit me to get Diana Ross at you. Kansas advances.

#8 University of Nevada-Las Vegas Rebels vs. #9 Northern Iowa Panthers

Panthers are pretty intimidating, if somewhat unspecific. Here, I'm taking it that they mean P. Concolor, though I'm not sure how many mountain lions are wandering around Northern Iowa. That's actually an unfair criticism, as my alma mater's mascot is the Gator, despite there being no wild alligators in northwestern Pennsylvania (they're smart enough that they don't subject themselves to such climates). But what the hell am I supposed to do here? It's going up against a Yosemite Sam simulacrum. Look at that moustache. The fact that the basketball team (so, the thing that's relevant) is the "Runnin' Rebels" just evokes Cock Sparrer's first single "Runnin' Riot" which means the panther is now going up against a Sam Elliott cartoon and some of the architects of streetpunk. There's no way it survives. UNLV advances. And I can't stand the peace and quiet.

#5 Michigan State Spartans vs. #12 New Mexico State Aggies

The tournament is just rife with Aggies this year. I'm not sure what that should mean to me as a non-Aggie, but I'm going with "mildly unsettled". I'd like to see a bit more of a fight against the Spartans, but honestly, you've got the model for a military society going up against this:


Drawn just seconds before he managed to rope his head in the most hilarious way imaginable

What is that? What is that guy? Is that Burt Reynolds? Why does he have a lasso? This is college basketball, Burt. You can't just cruise in here and expect to survive on what you learned in the backwoods of Georgia during the filming of Smokey and the Bandit. I do not care what Jackie Gleason told you. Michigan State advances.

#4 University of Maryland Terrapins vs. #13 University of Houston Cougars

I think the past two mascot brackets have biased me against large cats. Here, though, I can't actually figure out a way that Maryland wins without Ooze and a giant anthropomorphic ninja rat. And there's nothing here to suggest that any of that comes into play. Which is a shame, because I recently learned that the guy who played Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies of the late eighties/early nineties was François Chau, who's currently Dr. Pierre Chang/Marvin Candle/Edgar Halliwax/Mark Wickmund and was hoping to tie him in. Unless he went to University of Houston, in which case the man's just all about destroying some turtles. University of Houston advances.

#6 Tennessee Volunteers vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs

Well, one group is represented by Jimmy Carter. The other, Montezuma. Volunteers build houses for underprivileged families, which is fantastic and I'm in no way trying to detract from that. But Aztecs built Tenochtitlan. Then again, they also were indirectly responsible for Roland Emmerich's 2012, which should be a point against, but they make up for it with the Mesoamerican ballgame, which I imagine is going to help them in the tournament. San Diego State University advances

#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #14 Ohio Bobcats

Once again, we're going with bulldogs here because "Hoyas" evidently comes from "Hoya Saxa!" or "What Rocks!" if you don't mind mixing Greek and Latin and coming up with "What Rocks" at the end of it. Bobcats hunt deer. Which is pretty impressive for a cat. If you're killing deer, you're probably more than capable of handling a bulldog. I know that's true of minivans, and I have no reason to think that it's any different for bobcats. Ohio University advances.

#7 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. #10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

I was hoping for something better for the Yellow Jackets. Put them up against an abstraction or something. At least another insect. For most of my life, I don't know that I actually believed that "yellow jacket" was an actual thing. Apparently, it's the common name for wasps, which I didn't understand because "wasp" is a much cooler name. Still, cowboys are more than capable of handling wasps. Sorry Hank Pym. Oklahoma State advances.


This is what you get for violating the square-cube law, dick.

#2 Ohio State Buckeyes vs. #15 University of California - Santa Barbara Gauchos

You know, for a school that's got a pretty robust athletic program, there's not much I can do for Ohio State. It's a chestnut. Poisonous chestnuts. When the chestnut you're naming your teams after is also known as fetid buckeyes, you're doing something wrong. I don't even have to get into how much ass Gauchos probably kick. You lose when what you're named for is noted for how godawful it smells. UC Santa Barbara advances.

3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Play-In Game

University of Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions vs. Winthrop Eagles

And we've returned to the obligatory "large cat/bird of prey" matchup. A point of clarification before we get into this in earnest; I'm going to be very loose with the concept of "mascot". If there's not a big foam rubber costume running around basketball games (or if I can't find evidence of one in the first few minutes), the logos and the team names are fair game.

With that out of the way, we've got what will likely be a pretty common matchup in the play-in game. The Winthrop Eagle apparently does exist in giant-costume form and is a bald eagle with hollow eyes, which makes it a pretty haunting, actually. I wish they'd gone with something other than the bald eagle; sure, it gets them points for patriotism and it's what many people in the US think of when they hear the word "eagle", so it'd be a good opportunity to open the public's eyes to Accipitridae members. My top two suggestions? The Martial Eagle or Wahlberg's Eagle. The first evokes the military, which probably would bump up its performance in Mascot Brackets (I'm going to ignore the pictures on Wikipedia and presume martial eagles have little rifles and bandoliers and a cigar). Wahlberg's Eagle presents the opportunity to call the fan section "The Funky Bunch" and how do you not do that?

University of Arkansas-Pine Bluff's mascot, on the other hand, is this.

From a logo design perspective, I dig the idea of embedding "UAPB" in the mane. It reminds me of the Montreal Expos logo, which I will maintain is a pretty damn good logo even if they've since moved to Washington by way of Puerto Rico and had their real shot at the Championship cut short by the strike in 1994. Beyond that, "Golden Lion" clearly evokes a higher class of lion than the lowly Brass Lions, and is apparently also the highest award given at the Venice Film Festival. That's clearly quality. And if you distill this down to what the Mascot Bracket is about, a fight to the death between the mascots, it's no contest. University of Arkansas-Pine Bluff advances to face Duke in the 1st Round.

I'm just utterly confused.

The internet is weird.

I generally just sit complacently while my blog does nothing, like every other blogger on the planet, so long as "blogger" is defined with "someone who at one point has posted something on a personal weblog." Every once in a while (or in late February after the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Bracket is announced) something will shock me out of that complacency.

This is one of those things.

For those of you who mercifully were paying attention to much more important things in the late 1990's, Insane Clown Posse is just astoundingly awful as a musical act. Terrible, "we're riding this gimmick into the ground" cartoonishly-violent rap/coulrophobia jamboree. I suppose I should say here that I have nothing against cartoonishly-violent lyrics. Murder Ballads is a good example; I will listen to Nick Cave talk about carving people up until I somehow destroy the mp3s from overuse. It's not a "rap vs. rock" thing either. I do require my violent music to not also be terrible, which is where ICP fails. According to wikipedia, they concluded their "themed album" series (can a clown-based rap group have a non-themed album?) with some sort of confusing attempt to claim that all of their work is actually Christian rap. I know. I don't get it either.

Their devotees (Juggalos), are just as incomprehensible to me. I don't actually begrudge them their weird fandom, because people like bizarre things that I find terrible. There are devoted fans of the third and fourth seasons of Heroes (I presume). Lorenzo Lamas has a reality show, and there are in all likelihood people who can't get enough. Of course, those latter two groups aren't defining their entire life by the media they consume, investing in Faygo and makeup and pretending that their obsession is controversial and interesting, but I rarely interact with them, so whatever makes them happy, I guess. I'll never understand why they are still listening to ICP, but good for them.

It's a lot harder for me to ignore it when the laughably terrible duo makes a Western of all things. Watching the trailer, they seem almost aware of the absurdity of the whole thing. They have to be, right? They're making a goddamn Western in clown makeup. They seem to be affecting some manner of accent. I'm pretty sure it's more unsettling if they were intentionally trying to do this. I really want to believe that someone named Shaggy 2 Dope is doing this as an elaborate prank to see how far they could push the clown thing without their fanbase calling them on it. I'm not sure I can believe that, and I'm not sure how one would sit through the entire movie. I think it's probably enough to do what FilmDrunk does; acknowledge that it's been over a decade since ICP was even tangentially relevant to pop culture, that an Insane Clown Posse Western is something that exists, as opposed to being the sort of stock phrase to indicate unspeakable terror that H.P. Lovecraft might have used if he were actively writing in the late 90's, and try to hope this isn't one of the signs of the Apocalypse.