#10 Xavier Musketeers vs. #10 Virginia Cavaliers
Oh damn, you
guys. Not only do we finally have two human mascots going up against
one another, and not only are they both at least presumed to have some
sort of elite military training, but they both represent very specific
factions serving close to their king at the same point in history. Roughly!
The Musketeers of the Guard (Mousquetaires de la garde!)
were formed under Louis XIII in 1622 and spent most of their time
protecting nobles, shooting things (nominally in the name of protecting
nobles, but I’m sure that there was a 17th century French
equivalent of canned goods on a fence at some point) and waiting around
for Alexandre Dumas to be born so that their story could eventually be
romanticized, and then summarized by Wishbone.
Caution: If you actually ask Wishbone “What’s the story?”, he will cut you.
The
Cavaliers, on the other hand were the loyalist component of the English
Civil War, starting in 1642 and hung around through Oliver Cromwell’s
rule and the Restoration of the Monarchy. They both had their own
military problems to be concerned with (the Musketeers with trying to
make sure the Huguenots didn’t kill the king; the Cavaliers fighting a
civil war), so it’s difficult to say how they’d have done actually
fighting each other. The Musketeers lose on numbers, but win on fancy
hats and keeping kings alive (Louis XIII died of tuberculosis, and Louis
XIV was a king for longer than anyone’s ever been a king in Europe).
The Cavaliers had that period where the kings they supported were
executed, but did mount a come-from-behind victory in that the Monarchy
did show back up again.
I’d
say this comes down to overwhelming force against a smaller, though
better trained opponent, but honestly I keep reading “Musketeer” as
“Mouseketeer” and I’m not going to make it to the end of this post if
that keeps happening. So overwhelming force takes it.
Virginia advances.
#13 Montana grizzlies vs. #15 Detroit Titans
The
Grizzlies have gotten here mostly by virtue of being 700 pounds and
having razor sharp claws and murder in their hearts, along with a little
help from the fact that Monte the Grizzly in particular rides a
motorcycle and wears a bandana and is probably eventually going to be
the subject of a critically well-received drama on FX. There’s a problem
that comes up when your main advantage is size, though, and that’s when
your opponent is something that serves as the base of synonyms for
“really, really big”.
Oh dear.
The
grizzlies have the advantage over most mortal things that aren’t
several hundred pounds, but the Titans don’t exactly go down easily.
Hell, it apparently takes a whole new set of gods to come in, which only
really serves to imprison the Titans, and even then, you’ve got myths wherein Zeus overthrows Cronus by getting him drunk and putting him in a cave.
There’s simply no way a grizzly bear is walking out of that alive.
Detroit advances.
Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket Championship
#10 Virginia Cavaliers vs. #15 Detroit Titans
So we've established that the Titans are somewhere between a ridiculous man with a ridiculous smile in ridiculous armor and powerful (though explicitly not omnipotent) deities. The Cavaliers had, well, horses. And swords. And their own creepy smile. And a reputation for drinking and carousing and having plumed hats, which I sympathize with. Basically all they've got on the Titans is that the Cavaliers existed, whereas the Titans didn't, except as a moon of Saturn (or moons, if we're counting things named after individual Titans as part of that set).
Even there, we're conflicted. Titan's got an atmosphere, but it's got sort of a yellow haze to it. There are oceans, but they're made of methane. There might be microbial life, but that's not terribly threatening unless we're going to give the Cavalier some sort of terrible infection.
And while, as I mentioned, the Titans are powerful, they also have a history of failing pretty hard. I'm not sure whether the Cavaliers have Zeus' contact information, or if they've got the ability to summon an iceberg, but it's not as though the Titans are unstoppable. It's merely really hard.
What it really comes down to is the interaction between a guy with a horse, a sword, and a rifle and a Titan with a tendency to be overthrown. I'm not finding a lot about human-Titan interactions in myth, and the Titan that keeps popping up is Prometheus, who would probably have just handed the victory to the Cavalier and then gotten tortured for it.
Honestly, I think that's it. I'm going to say that Tommy Titan is merciful toward CavMan and allows him the victory, based solely on his humanity and his facial hair. Tommy Titan will be OK. Clint Eastwood will make a commercial for him.
This may have been unduly influenced by hat plumage.
Ladies and Gentlemen, your Fifth Annual Murphspot Mascot Champion
The Virginia Cavaliers.
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