Beloit College seems like a fine enough place. It looks like the same sort of tiny, possibly pretentious, liberal arts place I went to undergrad, and even shows up in the same bok that duped all of our non-Pittsburgh area students into living in Meadville for four years. There's probably even some weird Wisconsinite version of the Penny Bar, though probably with fewer national monument replicas made of pennies and more, I don't know. Packers, I guess.
Every year, Beloit publishes The Mindset List, which ostensibly exists to help faculty realize how dated the references are using are, but which has the side effect of making me feel like a bitter old man who hates everything.
Some excerpts, all with the obvious implication that you get the hell off my lawn.
1. Few in the class know how to write in cursive.
This is something I am absolutely fine with. I can't remember the last time I wrote in proper cursive. My printing is just this side of legible, and adding flourishes and connecting everything isn't helping.
2. Email is just too slow, and they seldom if ever use snail mail.
That's fine, and all, and I'll grant that waiting for them to check their email isn't as quick as texting them, but I just felt like I should get on the record that the phrase "snail mail" needs to die. Paper mail is trying as hard as it can, damn it. Plus, there's the problem of having to constantly escalate, if the problem is that email is now too slow.
7. “Caramel macchiato” and “venti half-caf vanilla latte” have always been street corner lingo.
I still have no idea what I'm doing in regards to non-diner coffee, but that's my failing, not the Class of 2014's. I don't think it's even a refusal to learn new things. I think it's just my social neuroses that make me prefer ordering a coffee by flipping over a mug.
9. Had it remained operational, the villainous computer HAL could be their college classmate this fall, but they have a better chance of running into Miley Cyrus’s folks on Parents’ Weekend.
Would they really? Is Miley Cyrus going to Beloit? Are the Cyruses from rural Wisconsin? Why would HAL 9000 be attending a small liberal arts college anyway? What would his presence do to the college's life support systems? Who would HAL 9000 have brought to Parents' Weekend? There are so many questions.
10. A quarter of the class has at least one immigrant parent, and the immigration debate is not a big priority…unless it involves “real” aliens from another planet.
I was with you up until here, Mindset List. I'm a supporter of successive generations getting more progressive, but I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume that the class of 2014 reserves debate for extraterrestrials. I'll concede that they're young, and that I'm old, but that's it. They're from 1992, not the goddamn future.
38. Bud Selig has always been the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
I sort of want this to be literally true. An immortal Bud Selig has been adopting new personae for centuries until he wound up as Kennesaw Mountain Landis, and he's just been staying in the same job for decades by changing his appearance every once in a while. Commissioner Who.
If Christopher Eccleston somehow manages to become the Commisioner, I shall be vindicated.
46. Nirvana is on the classic oldies station.
Now hold on one goddamn minute. This is nonsense. This is... what the hell is this? The hell they are. If I flew back to Pittsburgh and put on 3WS, entirely because I don't know the Chicago classic rock station and refuse to learn, I will not hear "Polly". I will hear Rod Stewart and that is the way things should be. I accepted Roseanne and Fresh Prince on Nick-at-Nite, but this "Nirvana on the Oldies" station bullshit will not stand.
59. By the time their folks might have noticed Coca Cola’s new Tab Clear, it was gone.
Is this youth-dependent? I didn't notice Tab Clear. I have a vague recollection of Crystal Pepsi, but only because they were handing it out outside of Three Rivers one day, but I was nine, so they didn't give me any.
70. The artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg has always been rapping.
I'm not sure that's specific to the class of 2014. Snoop has always been rapping. He exists outside of the conventional timestream of we mere mortals.
74. They've always been able to blast off with the Sci-Fi (SYFY) Channel.
This isn't Beloit's fault, but no one will ever "blast off" with the SyFy channel. People will stay planted firmly in reality and will take up sensible hobbies until the spelling is made less ridiculous. I'll call it the Willis Tower before I accept that there's a "SyFy" channel.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Final Four and Championship
#15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies
It's a testament to the degree to which I make this up as I go that this is what we've wound up with in the Final Four. I've been talking up the honesty of the Golden Grizzlies lately, but I think the wildcard here is the ingenuity of the Santa Barbara Gaucho. I mean, their job is subduing animals, to an extent. Further, a friend of mine works at a Brazilian Steakhouse, and her restaurant refers to the guys that come around with the giant skewers full of meat as "gauchos", so they've clearly got something going on. In the end, I'm going to defer to the UC Santa Barbara Gauchos' stealth and meat-powers.
UC Santa Barbara advances to the final.
#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers
I've been way too big on the Demon Deacons. The Boilermakers have practical knowledge and would be pretty damn useful in an emergency. I'm not sure what a Demon Deacon would do. Read the bible from a motorcycle, I guess. Which is, you know, impressive, but not precisely useful. I'm going to say that this match ends when the Boilermakers use their boilermaking abilities to knock out the lights, then attack the Demon Deacons with an acetylene torch.
Purdue advances to the final.
FINAL
#15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers
The Gauchos have come pretty far since defeating Ohio State back in the first round. Purdue's been steady; a high seed that kept on keeping on, what with being (as far as I can tell) a train full of welders. It's an epic showdown with hammers and lassos and welding masks. I wasn't sure which way this was going to go upon first inspection. But then, the answer revealed itself. Nerdiness solves all problems.
That is El Gaucho. He's a member of a group called "Batmen of All Nations", a story that appeared in Detective Comics #215 and revisited during Grant Morrison's run on Batman. The Batmen of All Nations are various heroes from across the world inspired by Batman to fight crime locally. That solved it.
Batman (or in this case, a Batman analogue) always wins.
Your 2010 Murphspot Mascot Bracket Champions.
University of California - Santa Barbara Gauchos
It's a testament to the degree to which I make this up as I go that this is what we've wound up with in the Final Four. I've been talking up the honesty of the Golden Grizzlies lately, but I think the wildcard here is the ingenuity of the Santa Barbara Gaucho. I mean, their job is subduing animals, to an extent. Further, a friend of mine works at a Brazilian Steakhouse, and her restaurant refers to the guys that come around with the giant skewers full of meat as "gauchos", so they've clearly got something going on. In the end, I'm going to defer to the UC Santa Barbara Gauchos' stealth and meat-powers.
UC Santa Barbara advances to the final.
#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers
I've been way too big on the Demon Deacons. The Boilermakers have practical knowledge and would be pretty damn useful in an emergency. I'm not sure what a Demon Deacon would do. Read the bible from a motorcycle, I guess. Which is, you know, impressive, but not precisely useful. I'm going to say that this match ends when the Boilermakers use their boilermaking abilities to knock out the lights, then attack the Demon Deacons with an acetylene torch.
Purdue advances to the final.
#15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers
The Gauchos have come pretty far since defeating Ohio State back in the first round. Purdue's been steady; a high seed that kept on keeping on, what with being (as far as I can tell) a train full of welders. It's an epic showdown with hammers and lassos and welding masks. I wasn't sure which way this was going to go upon first inspection. But then, the answer revealed itself. Nerdiness solves all problems.
That is El Gaucho. He's a member of a group called "Batmen of All Nations", a story that appeared in Detective Comics #215 and revisited during Grant Morrison's run on Batman. The Batmen of All Nations are various heroes from across the world inspired by Batman to fight crime locally. That solved it.
Batman (or in this case, a Batman analogue) always wins.
Your 2010 Murphspot Mascot Bracket Champions.
University of California - Santa Barbara Gauchos
3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket -Elite Eight
#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #15 UCSB Gauchos
I've never been out west, really. Certainly not as far as either Nevada or California. I've always viewed that as somewhat of a personal failing; one which I intend to address as soon as I have enough disposable income to visit. The result is that I'm not sure I've ever met a UC Santa Barbara fan, and I've never met a UNLV fan. There's only one time I can clearly recall seeing someone wearing UNLV gear in the media. That one person? Chumlee.
If this guy isn't your personal hero, you're living your life incorrectly.
I'm not sure what it means that I managed to relate the mascot bracket to Pawn Stars. I think probably something terrible. Still, this sort of handicaps the Runnin' Rebels if there's an art appraisal portion to the competition. There isn't, but it's enough to shake my faith in UNLV and say that this one ends in an upset. UC Santa Barbara advances.
#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies
I feel like I should address the fact that Commodore isn't a rank in the United States Navy. It's a title, but it's not attached to a paygrade (they're senior Captains, but "Commodore" is no longer its own rank). It had its heyday before the Civil War, when Congress refused to authorize admirals. So that takes a measure of awesomeness away from Vanderbilt that even Lionel Richie might not be able to restore. Actually, he definitely won't be able to restore it. I'm not knocking "Hello", but the minute of Lionel Richie being a teacher is just unnecessary. Additionally, the Golden Grizzlies have the element of surprise. The Navy doesn't plan for Grizzlies. Not at sea, anyway. I imagine they would if they were stationed somewhere where there were bears.
Still, I'm saying that Oakland advances.
#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #2 West Virginia University Mountaineers
The Mountaineers have been skating along, able to kill pretty much at will because they've been going up against things that you could reasonably hunt. Not so with the Demon Deacons. I imagine this ends with the Deacons sitting the Mountaineers down to talk to them about ethics and how they've been living their lives, followed by the distant rumble of motorcycles as the Deacons' gang comes rolling in to take out the disarmed (both literally and emotionally) Mountaineers.
Wake Forest advances.
#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials
The problem with Colonials is that they're by definition living in the Colonial era, which means they'll be overwhelmed by the technology that the Boilermakers wield. They were also indirectly responsible, I expect, for a meal I had at about 4am in a small diner called the Colonial Inn just outside of New York City where they yelled at us for trying to order things that they had on the menu. The nerve. Plus, the Colonials would have had to rely on much slower means of transport than the Boilermakers, weakening their strategic position as communication between outposts takes weeks. Technology wins and Purdue advances
I've never been out west, really. Certainly not as far as either Nevada or California. I've always viewed that as somewhat of a personal failing; one which I intend to address as soon as I have enough disposable income to visit. The result is that I'm not sure I've ever met a UC Santa Barbara fan, and I've never met a UNLV fan. There's only one time I can clearly recall seeing someone wearing UNLV gear in the media. That one person? Chumlee.
If this guy isn't your personal hero, you're living your life incorrectly.
I'm not sure what it means that I managed to relate the mascot bracket to Pawn Stars. I think probably something terrible. Still, this sort of handicaps the Runnin' Rebels if there's an art appraisal portion to the competition. There isn't, but it's enough to shake my faith in UNLV and say that this one ends in an upset. UC Santa Barbara advances.
#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies
I feel like I should address the fact that Commodore isn't a rank in the United States Navy. It's a title, but it's not attached to a paygrade (they're senior Captains, but "Commodore" is no longer its own rank). It had its heyday before the Civil War, when Congress refused to authorize admirals. So that takes a measure of awesomeness away from Vanderbilt that even Lionel Richie might not be able to restore. Actually, he definitely won't be able to restore it. I'm not knocking "Hello", but the minute of Lionel Richie being a teacher is just unnecessary. Additionally, the Golden Grizzlies have the element of surprise. The Navy doesn't plan for Grizzlies. Not at sea, anyway. I imagine they would if they were stationed somewhere where there were bears.
Still, I'm saying that Oakland advances.
#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #2 West Virginia University Mountaineers
The Mountaineers have been skating along, able to kill pretty much at will because they've been going up against things that you could reasonably hunt. Not so with the Demon Deacons. I imagine this ends with the Deacons sitting the Mountaineers down to talk to them about ethics and how they've been living their lives, followed by the distant rumble of motorcycles as the Deacons' gang comes rolling in to take out the disarmed (both literally and emotionally) Mountaineers.
Wake Forest advances.
#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials
The problem with Colonials is that they're by definition living in the Colonial era, which means they'll be overwhelmed by the technology that the Boilermakers wield. They were also indirectly responsible, I expect, for a meal I had at about 4am in a small diner called the Colonial Inn just outside of New York City where they yelled at us for trying to order things that they had on the menu. The nerve. Plus, the Colonials would have had to rely on much slower means of transport than the Boilermakers, weakening their strategic position as communication between outposts takes weeks. Technology wins and Purdue advances
Thursday, March 18, 2010
3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Sweet Sixteen - East/South
#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #4 Wisconsin Badgers
When I decided that Wake Forest would make it past the first round, I thought the Demon Deacons would be knocked out relatively quickly. They've hung in there, and now they're going up against something from the Weasel family in a sweater. I guess it could give the Deacon rabies, but we've seen over and over that there's nothing more the Deacon likes to do than tool around on his motorcycle. The badger's roadkill, and I somehow managed to get through Wisconsin's tenure in the tournament without it devolving into just saying "Badger Badger" over and over until a snake shows up. Mushroom Mushroom.
Wake Forest advances.
#14 Montana Grizzlies vs. #2 West Virginia Mountaineers
I've been in enough houses with bear rugs to know the outcome of this one. The grizzlies had a good run, and I'm sorry to see them go, but if there's one thing the mountaineer has, it's guns. Lots and lots of guns. And occasionally some hunting permits. Sometimes.
West Virginia advances.
#8 California Golden Bears vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers
As well as bears were doing, they've been running into opponents they can't match up against. Whether it's the guy with the arc welder or a train that's been built onto a truck chassis, it's someone with superior weaponry or several thousand pounds of force behind it. Were they the California Titanium Bears, then maybe. As it stands? Purdue advances.
#3 Baylor Bears vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials
There were revolutionary era battlefields around the area where I grew up, and I think I would have been a lot more interested when we took trips to them in elementary school if there were at least one or two stories about the fort being overrun by bears. Hell, if that's what happened to Roanoke, I'm officially interested. Unfortunately, to my knowledge, none of that ever transpired. It's a shame. I'm going to assume it's because bears were terrified of the Colonials and their well known advanced anti-bear tactics. Robert Morris advances.
When I decided that Wake Forest would make it past the first round, I thought the Demon Deacons would be knocked out relatively quickly. They've hung in there, and now they're going up against something from the Weasel family in a sweater. I guess it could give the Deacon rabies, but we've seen over and over that there's nothing more the Deacon likes to do than tool around on his motorcycle. The badger's roadkill, and I somehow managed to get through Wisconsin's tenure in the tournament without it devolving into just saying "Badger Badger" over and over until a snake shows up. Mushroom Mushroom.
Wake Forest advances.
#14 Montana Grizzlies vs. #2 West Virginia Mountaineers
I've been in enough houses with bear rugs to know the outcome of this one. The grizzlies had a good run, and I'm sorry to see them go, but if there's one thing the mountaineer has, it's guns. Lots and lots of guns. And occasionally some hunting permits. Sometimes.
West Virginia advances.
#8 California Golden Bears vs. #4 Purdue Boilermakers
As well as bears were doing, they've been running into opponents they can't match up against. Whether it's the guy with the arc welder or a train that's been built onto a truck chassis, it's someone with superior weaponry or several thousand pounds of force behind it. Were they the California Titanium Bears, then maybe. As it stands? Purdue advances.
#3 Baylor Bears vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials
There were revolutionary era battlefields around the area where I grew up, and I think I would have been a lot more interested when we took trips to them in elementary school if there were at least one or two stories about the fort being overrun by bears. Hell, if that's what happened to Roanoke, I'm officially interested. Unfortunately, to my knowledge, none of that ever transpired. It's a shame. I'm going to assume it's because bears were terrified of the Colonials and their well known advanced anti-bear tactics. Robert Morris advances.
3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Sweet Sixteen - Midwest/West
#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #5 Michigan State Spartans
The Spartans get a lot of credit, but honestly, I'm not sure they have enough going for them to win this. They've got their spears and swords and shields, but they don't have a Smith & Wesson. The Runnin' Rebel presumably does. And the Spartans are led by Gerard Butler, which may have been intimidating if he weren't in every romantic comedy that comes out these days.
P.S. I'LL KILL YOU
Unfortunately for military city-states everywhere, the Spartans don't have enough to make it to the Elite Eight. UNLV advances.
#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #15 UCSB Gauchos
Well, Aztecs were in the southern part of Mexico, while gauchos are more associated with the Brazil, Argentina and Chile. If this were the Aztecs vs. the Charros (horsemen from mexico, not Charo, which would be terrifying, but not as relevant), it might have some weird political undertones. As it stands, we have a 15th century empire in Mesoamerica going up against what I've previously established as "Ninja Cowboys". This one goes to the Gauchos due to their superior weaponry and ability to disappear into the shadows. UCSB advances
#9 Florida State Seminoles vs. #4 Vanderbilt Commodores
Again with the making me uncomfortable with the inherent politics of the mascot bracket. But this is my lot in life, so I had better just get down to it. The Seminoles are one of the few NCAA teams to use their mascot with permission from the Seminole Tribe of Florida, which is nice. Still, the Commodores have cannons, subordinates and recorded "Brick House".
If this were the Murphspot Funk Bracket, this would be over already
Good luck getting that out of your head ever. Vanderbilt advances.
#14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies vs. #7 Brigham Young Cougars
These bear/large cat matchups are both entirely too common and still somehow pretty awesome. Given that I've already had the Golden Grizzlies beat the Panthers and have established them as sufficiently badass to take down P. concolor generally, but particularly if they're from Provo. Have you seen the flag Provo came up with?
This is the flag Provo came up with. Prrrovo!
Oakland advances.
The Spartans get a lot of credit, but honestly, I'm not sure they have enough going for them to win this. They've got their spears and swords and shields, but they don't have a Smith & Wesson. The Runnin' Rebel presumably does. And the Spartans are led by Gerard Butler, which may have been intimidating if he weren't in every romantic comedy that comes out these days.
P.S. I'LL KILL YOU
Unfortunately for military city-states everywhere, the Spartans don't have enough to make it to the Elite Eight. UNLV advances.
#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #15 UCSB Gauchos
Well, Aztecs were in the southern part of Mexico, while gauchos are more associated with the Brazil, Argentina and Chile. If this were the Aztecs vs. the Charros (horsemen from mexico, not Charo, which would be terrifying, but not as relevant), it might have some weird political undertones. As it stands, we have a 15th century empire in Mesoamerica going up against what I've previously established as "Ninja Cowboys". This one goes to the Gauchos due to their superior weaponry and ability to disappear into the shadows. UCSB advances
#9 Florida State Seminoles vs. #4 Vanderbilt Commodores
Again with the making me uncomfortable with the inherent politics of the mascot bracket. But this is my lot in life, so I had better just get down to it. The Seminoles are one of the few NCAA teams to use their mascot with permission from the Seminole Tribe of Florida, which is nice. Still, the Commodores have cannons, subordinates and recorded "Brick House".
If this were the Murphspot Funk Bracket, this would be over already
Good luck getting that out of your head ever. Vanderbilt advances.
#14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies vs. #7 Brigham Young Cougars
These bear/large cat matchups are both entirely too common and still somehow pretty awesome. Given that I've already had the Golden Grizzlies beat the Panthers and have established them as sufficiently badass to take down P. concolor generally, but particularly if they're from Provo. Have you seen the flag Provo came up with?
This is the flag Provo came up with. Prrrovo!
Oakland advances.
3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round Two - South Region
#1 Duke Blue Devils vs. #8 California Golden Bears
I've given the Duke Blue Devil credit for being a DC superhero and last year for being a french military unit. The problem is that I've been ignoring the "sadness demon" interpretation. "Blue devils" were evidently shortened to "the blues" which is good from the perspective that it gave B.B. King a career and St. Louis a hockey team, but not so good considering we're still talking about sadness demons. I guess it could make the Golden Bears depressed, but I'm much more inclined to think the bears will be all about eating the sadness demons and then going off into the sunset to enjoy another day of being enormous and having ridiculous teeth. Cal advances.
#12 Utah State Aggies vs. #5 Purdue Boilermakers
Let's settle on the definition of "steel worker" for boilermaker. Or a shot of whiskey and a beer. Whichever. The latter's more fun, but is also probably not an NCAA-approved mascot. How would the smug bipedal bull fare? Well, not great against welding tools, but if it can surprise the boilermaker, he might have a shot. Then again, he might be too wrapped up in his stylish pompadour to put up much of a fight. I'm going with the Boilermakers, primarily because of The Boilermaker Jazz Band. I've seen them a lot, and you do not want to be on their bad side. Purdue advances.
#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #3 Baylor Bears
Taking down monarchy seems plausible enough for the Fighting Irish. I don't think there are many bears in Ireland, and as the Notre Dame leprechaun seems determined to confine his combat style to "boxing in the 1930's", Baylor's not going to have too much of a challenge here. I'm not sure what happens when the Final Four is all bears and people, but I'm pretty sure it's the worst book club in history. Baylor advances.
#10 St. Mary's Gaels vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials
Now I just feel like I'm picking on the Irish. But there's just not that much for me to work with here. Robert Morris has the Colonial Army. St. Mary's has a mascot, dressed in a suit of armor which is apparently inflatable and they've chosen to call him Gael Force One.
What?
Here.
I'm not even going to bother making a joke. Look at this.
Look at this. Tell me this is going to beat a guy with a musket and a fancy hat. He's not. Robert Morris advances.
Incidentally, I apologize for not having these up before the beginning of the tournament, but if you were seriously looking here for bracket help, you may not be competent to testify in a court of law. I'm not checking any results until I'm done with this, so it won't affect the integrity of the mascot bracket.
I've given the Duke Blue Devil credit for being a DC superhero and last year for being a french military unit. The problem is that I've been ignoring the "sadness demon" interpretation. "Blue devils" were evidently shortened to "the blues" which is good from the perspective that it gave B.B. King a career and St. Louis a hockey team, but not so good considering we're still talking about sadness demons. I guess it could make the Golden Bears depressed, but I'm much more inclined to think the bears will be all about eating the sadness demons and then going off into the sunset to enjoy another day of being enormous and having ridiculous teeth. Cal advances.
#12 Utah State Aggies vs. #5 Purdue Boilermakers
Let's settle on the definition of "steel worker" for boilermaker. Or a shot of whiskey and a beer. Whichever. The latter's more fun, but is also probably not an NCAA-approved mascot. How would the smug bipedal bull fare? Well, not great against welding tools, but if it can surprise the boilermaker, he might have a shot. Then again, he might be too wrapped up in his stylish pompadour to put up much of a fight. I'm going with the Boilermakers, primarily because of The Boilermaker Jazz Band. I've seen them a lot, and you do not want to be on their bad side. Purdue advances.
#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #3 Baylor Bears
Taking down monarchy seems plausible enough for the Fighting Irish. I don't think there are many bears in Ireland, and as the Notre Dame leprechaun seems determined to confine his combat style to "boxing in the 1930's", Baylor's not going to have too much of a challenge here. I'm not sure what happens when the Final Four is all bears and people, but I'm pretty sure it's the worst book club in history. Baylor advances.
#10 St. Mary's Gaels vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials
Now I just feel like I'm picking on the Irish. But there's just not that much for me to work with here. Robert Morris has the Colonial Army. St. Mary's has a mascot, dressed in a suit of armor which is apparently inflatable and they've chosen to call him Gael Force One.
What?
Here.
I'm not even going to bother making a joke. Look at this.
Look at this. Tell me this is going to beat a guy with a musket and a fancy hat. He's not. Robert Morris advances.
Incidentally, I apologize for not having these up before the beginning of the tournament, but if you were seriously looking here for bracket help, you may not be competent to testify in a court of law. I'm not checking any results until I'm done with this, so it won't affect the integrity of the mascot bracket.
3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round Two - East Region
#16 ETSU Buccaneers vs. #9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Obviously, the buccaneer has got cutlasses and single shot pistols and some kind of disease that turns him blue. So you'd think they'd be more than a match for the Demon Deacons. Look at the mascot again. Look at his pupils. There's a chance the demon in question is methamphetamines. That might not be enough, but then I saw yet another picture of him on a motorcycle.
It's apparently all he does.
I'm convinced that he's packing heat in that top hat. Wake Forest advances.
#5 Temple Owls vs. #4 Wisconsin Badgers
I was very generous in giving the Owls a second-round berth, and I initially thought that since owls are birds of prey, they might stand a chance, but Wikipedia informs me that badgers are capable of fighting off wolves. I've never had personal contact with either badgers or owls, but I'm going to go with the one that fights wolves back over the one that steals Tootsie Pops from children. Wisconsin advances.
#11 Washington Huskies vs. #14 Montana Grizzlies
I feel good about this. I allowed a dog into the second round. I'm not a monster. Grizzlies, however, basically are. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if a grizzly bear came upon a husky, the husky would wag its tail and then get eviscerated. No chance. And look how happy the grizzly is about the whole situation.
Hooray! The happiest bear in history!
Montana advances.
#10 Missouri Tigers vs. #2 West Virginia Mountaineers
I don't want to demean the hunting prowess of people who live in the Appalachian mountains. They can kill deer, and bears and basically anything that wanders across their property line. One of my favorite bits of the original Dawn of the Dead occurs when the main characters are flying from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh by helicopter and note that the residents of Central Pennsylvania are hunting the zombies for sport, because that's exactly what they'd do. Still, tigers are a different thing altogether, possibly. They're fast, they're pretty good at ripping throats out and they advertise sugary cereals, which would tend to give the Mountaineer Type II diabetes. The final verdict? West Virginia advances because the mountaineers in question are insane enough to get the job done before the tiger knows what hit it.
Obviously, the buccaneer has got cutlasses and single shot pistols and some kind of disease that turns him blue. So you'd think they'd be more than a match for the Demon Deacons. Look at the mascot again. Look at his pupils. There's a chance the demon in question is methamphetamines. That might not be enough, but then I saw yet another picture of him on a motorcycle.
It's apparently all he does.
I'm convinced that he's packing heat in that top hat. Wake Forest advances.
#5 Temple Owls vs. #4 Wisconsin Badgers
I was very generous in giving the Owls a second-round berth, and I initially thought that since owls are birds of prey, they might stand a chance, but Wikipedia informs me that badgers are capable of fighting off wolves. I've never had personal contact with either badgers or owls, but I'm going to go with the one that fights wolves back over the one that steals Tootsie Pops from children. Wisconsin advances.
#11 Washington Huskies vs. #14 Montana Grizzlies
I feel good about this. I allowed a dog into the second round. I'm not a monster. Grizzlies, however, basically are. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if a grizzly bear came upon a husky, the husky would wag its tail and then get eviscerated. No chance. And look how happy the grizzly is about the whole situation.
Hooray! The happiest bear in history!
Montana advances.
#10 Missouri Tigers vs. #2 West Virginia Mountaineers
I don't want to demean the hunting prowess of people who live in the Appalachian mountains. They can kill deer, and bears and basically anything that wanders across their property line. One of my favorite bits of the original Dawn of the Dead occurs when the main characters are flying from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh by helicopter and note that the residents of Central Pennsylvania are hunting the zombies for sport, because that's exactly what they'd do. Still, tigers are a different thing altogether, possibly. They're fast, they're pretty good at ripping throats out and they advertise sugary cereals, which would tend to give the Mountaineer Type II diabetes. The final verdict? West Virginia advances because the mountaineers in question are insane enough to get the job done before the tiger knows what hit it.
3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round Two - West Region
#16 Vermont Catamounts vs. #9 Florida State Seminoles
Is it just me, or does the Vermont Catamount look like he's a supervillain who's just let his mortal enemy escape? He's just got a very "You'll rue the day" look about him. The Seminole on the other hand appears to be either yelling, yawning or singing. For the sake of a more interesting mascot bracket, let's presume he's singing. He's singing because he's just killed the catamount and made a nice rug out of it. Florida State advances.
#12 UTEP Miners vs. #4 Vanderbilt Commodores
That miner looks surly. Which, I would be as well. Mining isn't pleasant work. And I'm still unsettled by the way he's holding that pickaxe, but displeasure and possible dangerous instability only gets you so far in life. Commodores are trained. They've got discipline. They've got people unnder their command, and they haven't been underground breathing coal dust. They don't rely on canaries, for the most part, unless the canaries are really skilled military strategists. And they look like this, apparently.
AaaaAAAAHHH. What is going on with his neck? Thanks for the nightmares, Vanderbilt.
Vanderbilt advances.
#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies
Time to switch it up. Musketeers have muskets, but they've also got wide brimmed hats with ridiculously huge feathers. They've got billowy shirtsleeves that inhibit movement, and they're apparently too consumed with running their organic meat distribution agency to notice the fact that they've got a grizzly with muscle definition that I'm pretty sure no actual bears have bearing down on them. Plus, he's one of the few mascots that's clearly actively swiping. Most bear mascots have just had a "talk to the hand" gesture. Grizz (as wikipedia informs me he is named) means business. Oakland advances
#7 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #15 North Texas Mean Green
I don't know. I still sort of want to favor North Texas because of the Mean Joe Greene connection, but as great a tackle as he was, he never really took to the field with more than his pads, his cleats and four Super Bowl rings. And that little kid wandering around with a Coke. Still, it's a color, and the extra weight of the school's alumni isn't going to help them here. Brigham Young advances.
Is it just me, or does the Vermont Catamount look like he's a supervillain who's just let his mortal enemy escape? He's just got a very "You'll rue the day" look about him. The Seminole on the other hand appears to be either yelling, yawning or singing. For the sake of a more interesting mascot bracket, let's presume he's singing. He's singing because he's just killed the catamount and made a nice rug out of it. Florida State advances.
#12 UTEP Miners vs. #4 Vanderbilt Commodores
That miner looks surly. Which, I would be as well. Mining isn't pleasant work. And I'm still unsettled by the way he's holding that pickaxe, but displeasure and possible dangerous instability only gets you so far in life. Commodores are trained. They've got discipline. They've got people unnder their command, and they haven't been underground breathing coal dust. They don't rely on canaries, for the most part, unless the canaries are really skilled military strategists. And they look like this, apparently.
AaaaAAAAHHH. What is going on with his neck? Thanks for the nightmares, Vanderbilt.
Vanderbilt advances.
#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies
Time to switch it up. Musketeers have muskets, but they've also got wide brimmed hats with ridiculously huge feathers. They've got billowy shirtsleeves that inhibit movement, and they're apparently too consumed with running their organic meat distribution agency to notice the fact that they've got a grizzly with muscle definition that I'm pretty sure no actual bears have bearing down on them. Plus, he's one of the few mascots that's clearly actively swiping. Most bear mascots have just had a "talk to the hand" gesture. Grizz (as wikipedia informs me he is named) means business. Oakland advances
#7 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #15 North Texas Mean Green
I don't know. I still sort of want to favor North Texas because of the Mean Joe Greene connection, but as great a tackle as he was, he never really took to the field with more than his pads, his cleats and four Super Bowl rings. And that little kid wandering around with a Coke. Still, it's a color, and the extra weight of the school's alumni isn't going to help them here. Brigham Young advances.
3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round Two - Midwest Region
#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels
Tough call. Militant abolitionists fighting to preserve Kansas as a Free State (notable as it's geographically isolated by Missouri, which was in the Union, but which allowed slavery). The Runnin' Rebels power comes primarily from their moustache and their revolvers. While they're not from Missouri, and Nevada was part of the Union, the "Rebels" bit implies Confederate sympathies. Which makes this not so much a mascot matchup, but more of exactly the plot of The Outlaw Josey Wales. Which means the Runnin' Rebel is Clint Eastwood. Without giving too much away in terms of spoilers of a 34 year old Western, let's just say that if Clint Eastwood movies have any connection to reality, UNLV advances.
#5 Michigan State Spartans vs. #13 Houston Cougars
Cougars are terrifying, but so are Spartans. And one of them has weaponry. I'm not sure if I've ever definitively decided that the mascot matchup is a one-on-one sort of deal or if several cougars are fighting several Spartans. Either way, I can't see how the cougars come out ahead in this. Even if you grant cougars the same equipment, cougars and weapons only ever win on heavy metal album covers. Michigan State advances
#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #14 Ohio Bobcats
This is starting to get a little specist, but historically, Aztecs and Bobcats may have interacted (though bobcats may not have lived far south enough). If they did, I'm pretty certain that the bobcats didn't come out victorious. San Diego State advances
#7 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. #15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos
An interesting matchup in what has quickly become the All-Human region, this looks like an interesting matchup on the face of it. A few things wind up influencing the outcome. First, look at the Gauchos logo. That, my friends, is a gaucho who knows a thing or two about steath. That's the ninja of gauchos. Additionally, this was evidently the Oklahoma State logo prior to 2000.
Is that Bruno Kirby? I think that's Bruno Kirby!
While that's a fine moustache, he's clearly going to have some manueverability issues. Not so with ninjagaucho. UC Santa Barbara advances
Tough call. Militant abolitionists fighting to preserve Kansas as a Free State (notable as it's geographically isolated by Missouri, which was in the Union, but which allowed slavery). The Runnin' Rebels power comes primarily from their moustache and their revolvers. While they're not from Missouri, and Nevada was part of the Union, the "Rebels" bit implies Confederate sympathies. Which makes this not so much a mascot matchup, but more of exactly the plot of The Outlaw Josey Wales. Which means the Runnin' Rebel is Clint Eastwood. Without giving too much away in terms of spoilers of a 34 year old Western, let's just say that if Clint Eastwood movies have any connection to reality, UNLV advances.
#5 Michigan State Spartans vs. #13 Houston Cougars
Cougars are terrifying, but so are Spartans. And one of them has weaponry. I'm not sure if I've ever definitively decided that the mascot matchup is a one-on-one sort of deal or if several cougars are fighting several Spartans. Either way, I can't see how the cougars come out ahead in this. Even if you grant cougars the same equipment, cougars and weapons only ever win on heavy metal album covers. Michigan State advances
#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #14 Ohio Bobcats
This is starting to get a little specist, but historically, Aztecs and Bobcats may have interacted (though bobcats may not have lived far south enough). If they did, I'm pretty certain that the bobcats didn't come out victorious. San Diego State advances
#7 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. #15 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos
An interesting matchup in what has quickly become the All-Human region, this looks like an interesting matchup on the face of it. A few things wind up influencing the outcome. First, look at the Gauchos logo. That, my friends, is a gaucho who knows a thing or two about steath. That's the ninja of gauchos. Additionally, this was evidently the Oklahoma State logo prior to 2000.
Is that Bruno Kirby? I think that's Bruno Kirby!
While that's a fine moustache, he's clearly going to have some manueverability issues. Not so with ninjagaucho. UC Santa Barbara advances
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
3rd Annual Murphspot Mascot Bracket - Round One - South Region
#1 Duke Blue Devils vs. #16 University of Arkansas Pine Bluff Golden Lions
Last year, at first, I just sort of accepted that Duke's name was a references to Les Diables Bleus, a french military group. That may have been a bit hasty. There's also the Australian plant. And the mythological devils that bring sadness. Which is pretty weak. And the Graphic Design lion is a pretty formidable opponent. In the end, my nerdiness kicked in and reminded me of Blue Devil. Graphic Design Lion is impressive, but Blue Devil's got the Trident of Lucifer and a healing factor. Duke advances
#8 California Golden Bears vs. #9 Louisville Cardinals
I'm no ornithologist, but I'm pretty sure that if you're surrounded by Cardinals, you're going to be ok as long as you're not seeds. Which the Golden Bears most certainly aren't. I guess you could argue that they should get some sort of bonus in the threat department now that they're getting hitting instruction from Mark McGwire, but that's too much of a stretch even for me. Cal advances.
#5 Texas A&M Aggies vs. #12 Utah State Aggies
The Clemson/Missouri Tiger vs. Tiger match was at least made a bit more sensible by the fact that there are a lot of schools that share the "Tigers" team name. Aggies? I don't know. I could compare the programs, I guess, and try to determine which school turns out the superior Agricultural students, but that violates the point of the mascot bracket. A comparison of their mascots reveals the victor. Texas A&M has a Collie called Reveille. Utah State has a smug looking bull called "Big Blue". Seriously, look at the way he's standing. He doesn't have time for this. Utah State Advances
#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #13 Siena Saints
Saints might be threatening if we were talking about people who have been canonized, but as far as I can tell, the Siena Saints mascot is a St. Bernard. I know, the way this mascot bracket has been going it has to seem like I hate dogs. I don't. I like dogs. I just don't think they're suited for battle. Boilermakers (if they refer to steelworkers) have welding equipment and a pretty awesome mask. The Purdue mascot, the Boilermaker Special, is a train. In the eternal battle of dog vs. train, train wins. Purdue advances.
#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs
Oh hey, it's the politically loaded NCAA matchup. Yeah, technically the mascot of the Old Dominion monarchs is a crown-wearing lion swatting with his paw the way most cats I've been around do when they want you to go away. On the other hand, Ireland is still not part of the United Kingdom, and monarchies are well known for lounging around in rooms filled with gold. Can't buy me a second round berth. Notre Dame advances.
#3 Baylor Bears vs. #14 Sam Houston State Bearkats
Ridiculous misspellings aside, I'm begining to become concerned about the prevalence of bears in the second round. And the prevalence of bears in my neighborhood in Chicago, but that's just my personal paranoia kicking in. Bearcats (or Binturongs!) are the size of large cats, and I just really can't think of a situation in which that's going to take down a bear. Baylor advances, but I don't feel very good about it.
#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #10 Saint Mary's Gaels
I personally really, really dislike spiders. I'm not alone in that; during an interview for NPR's "Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me", Phillipe Petit, the tightrope walker that walked between the World Trade Center buildings said that he was afraid of things with "too many legs or not enough legs." WHich makes me feel better. But even if spiders were as dangerous as my brain keeps telling me they are, the Gael depicted in St. Mary's team logo has armor and a sword and, presumably, a shoe. Saint Mary's advances and helps to rid the world of the arachnid menace.
#2 Villanova Wildcats vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials
The thing about this is that my graduate school, Northwestern, is the Wildcats. So you'd think I'd have some sort of interest in seeing at least one wildcat make it past the first round. I don't. The mascot bracket is unassailable. And even if I wanted to give Villanova a break, what the hell is the cat on top of the V doing? If a cat did that to me while crouching on a huge V, I would shove it the hell off. Not in a way that would hurt it, of course. It would need to understand that that kind of shit is unacceptable. The colonials depicted have guns, but even if they were just colonials in the sense that they live in a colony, they'd be able to take care of a cat. Robert Morris advances.
End of Round One.
Last year, at first, I just sort of accepted that Duke's name was a references to Les Diables Bleus, a french military group. That may have been a bit hasty. There's also the Australian plant. And the mythological devils that bring sadness. Which is pretty weak. And the Graphic Design lion is a pretty formidable opponent. In the end, my nerdiness kicked in and reminded me of Blue Devil. Graphic Design Lion is impressive, but Blue Devil's got the Trident of Lucifer and a healing factor. Duke advances
#8 California Golden Bears vs. #9 Louisville Cardinals
I'm no ornithologist, but I'm pretty sure that if you're surrounded by Cardinals, you're going to be ok as long as you're not seeds. Which the Golden Bears most certainly aren't. I guess you could argue that they should get some sort of bonus in the threat department now that they're getting hitting instruction from Mark McGwire, but that's too much of a stretch even for me. Cal advances.
#5 Texas A&M Aggies vs. #12 Utah State Aggies
The Clemson/Missouri Tiger vs. Tiger match was at least made a bit more sensible by the fact that there are a lot of schools that share the "Tigers" team name. Aggies? I don't know. I could compare the programs, I guess, and try to determine which school turns out the superior Agricultural students, but that violates the point of the mascot bracket. A comparison of their mascots reveals the victor. Texas A&M has a Collie called Reveille. Utah State has a smug looking bull called "Big Blue". Seriously, look at the way he's standing. He doesn't have time for this. Utah State Advances
#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #13 Siena Saints
Saints might be threatening if we were talking about people who have been canonized, but as far as I can tell, the Siena Saints mascot is a St. Bernard. I know, the way this mascot bracket has been going it has to seem like I hate dogs. I don't. I like dogs. I just don't think they're suited for battle. Boilermakers (if they refer to steelworkers) have welding equipment and a pretty awesome mask. The Purdue mascot, the Boilermaker Special, is a train. In the eternal battle of dog vs. train, train wins. Purdue advances.
#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs
Oh hey, it's the politically loaded NCAA matchup. Yeah, technically the mascot of the Old Dominion monarchs is a crown-wearing lion swatting with his paw the way most cats I've been around do when they want you to go away. On the other hand, Ireland is still not part of the United Kingdom, and monarchies are well known for lounging around in rooms filled with gold. Can't buy me a second round berth. Notre Dame advances.
#3 Baylor Bears vs. #14 Sam Houston State Bearkats
Ridiculous misspellings aside, I'm begining to become concerned about the prevalence of bears in the second round. And the prevalence of bears in my neighborhood in Chicago, but that's just my personal paranoia kicking in. Bearcats (or Binturongs!) are the size of large cats, and I just really can't think of a situation in which that's going to take down a bear. Baylor advances, but I don't feel very good about it.
#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #10 Saint Mary's Gaels
I personally really, really dislike spiders. I'm not alone in that; during an interview for NPR's "Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me", Phillipe Petit, the tightrope walker that walked between the World Trade Center buildings said that he was afraid of things with "too many legs or not enough legs." WHich makes me feel better. But even if spiders were as dangerous as my brain keeps telling me they are, the Gael depicted in St. Mary's team logo has armor and a sword and, presumably, a shoe. Saint Mary's advances and helps to rid the world of the arachnid menace.
#2 Villanova Wildcats vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials
The thing about this is that my graduate school, Northwestern, is the Wildcats. So you'd think I'd have some sort of interest in seeing at least one wildcat make it past the first round. I don't. The mascot bracket is unassailable. And even if I wanted to give Villanova a break, what the hell is the cat on top of the V doing? If a cat did that to me while crouching on a huge V, I would shove it the hell off. Not in a way that would hurt it, of course. It would need to understand that that kind of shit is unacceptable. The colonials depicted have guns, but even if they were just colonials in the sense that they live in a colony, they'd be able to take care of a cat. Robert Morris advances.
End of Round One.
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